Braunwyn Windham-Burke visits her mother Doctor Deb's new home in Palm Springs..
DOCTOR DEB - And this is the garden, in which we have bastardized sacred Buddhist principles so as to appear "Zen."
BRAUNWYN - I haven't been feeling so Zen lately. I gave up drinking.
DOCTOR DEB - I heard. And so has the entire former cast of this show, after a mass email from me. Peggy Sulahian sends her love.
BRAUNWYN - Jeez, if I wasn't worried enough about people not liking me anymore, now I have to worry about getting a text from Alexis Bellino.
DOCTOR DEB - Don't be worried. I can confirm that people for sure don't like you anymore.
BRAUNWYN - Way to exploit my darkest fears.
DOCTOR DEB - C'mon, BoringWind. Finish your matcha and stop being such a spiritually-weak little beyotch.
BRAUNWYN - I really despise you.
DOCTOR DEB - You are SO not invited to The Playa this year.
The ladies take a bus to Palm Springs for Braunwyn's vow renewal...
ELIZABETH VARGAS - Sorry I'm late. Was with my lawyers trying to figure out whether the private jet should just have my ex-husband's initials monogramed into the headrests, or both of ours.
GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Luckily you have Jimmy to comfort you during this tough stuff.
ELIZABETH - Who?
EMILY SIMPSON - Your boyfriend.
ELIZABETH - Hmmmm. Not ringing a bell.
GINA - The tall dude who always follows you around?
ELIZABETH - Oh, JIMMY. Yeah, he's a big comfort.
KELLY DODD - Can we fucking get shitfaced yet?
GINA - I've got some bad news. There's no tequila allowed at this vow renewal.
KELLY - What is this, Footloose?!
GINA - That's about dancing.
KELLY - It's the same thing! My freedom is being tread on. Like Rick always says, don't tread on me!
GINA - Kelly, chill.
KELLY - No! I need to be able to get plastered in my own very specific preferred way!
GINA - You can still get drunk, just not from the distilled beverage made from the blue agave plant.
KELLY - THIS IS BULLSHIT! LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ!
EMILY - Ok, I'm actually kind of impressed she whipped that out.
KELLY - WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
GINA - Listen, Kelly. What if we put some mezcal in a Mio bottle and you can squirt drops into your eyeballs when nobody's looking?
KELLY - **pacified** That's fine, I guess.
Braunwyn and Sean renew their vows, officiated by drag queen Babette Schwartz...
BRAUNWYN - Dear Sean. On our first date, I promised to turn my vagina into a clown car. And you weren't scared.
SEAN - Dear Braunwyn. When you promised to turn your vagina into a clown car, I was scared. But I was also too scared to walk away, so here we are.
BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Nice. Now let's wrap up this shit so we can get FUUUUUUUUCKED UP.
BRAUNWYN - Wait. We'd like to give the floor to our children. What could possibly go wrong?
JACOB - Mom, would you still be with dad if he pulled a Jared from Subway and arranged meetings with young trafficked children at the Indianapolis Hilton?
BRAUNWYN - Ummmm...
JACOB - And Dad, would you still be with mom if she amputated your foot in your sleep?
SEAN - Uhhhhhh...
JACOB - And Mom, would you still be with dad if he murdered Hazel with the pointiest of bamboo necklaces -
BRAUNWYN - Ok, that's enough.
BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Hey, I'm into it.
BRAUNWYN - You're really botching this.
BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Next time, offer a queen a few bucks.
KELLY - I hear you're selling water now.
SHANNON - It's a tincture. A TINCTURE.
KELLY - Sounds like sphincter.
SHANNON - Perfect, because it was inspired by a visit to Doctor Moon.
JOHN, SHANNON'S BOYFRIEND - What's going on here?
SHANNON - John! Did you hear her? She's accusing me of making water!
JOHN - I mean, after five minutes with my magic hands, you usually do.
KELLY - I'm the most sexually graphic person in Southern California, and even I'm grossed out by that reference.
JOHN - Sorry. Just trying to fit in. **sulks away**
THE END
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