Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part I

Bravo executive Andy Cohen gets stuck cleaning bits of faux flesh out of the floorboards after another violent Real Housewives reunion.

ANDY COHEN - Let's talk about your sex tape.

DANIELLE STAUB - Love recording.

ANDY COHEN - Sure. Love recording.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - That's not love. Believe me, I watched it. In slow motion. Twice. Naked.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Kim's House Party"

Kris Jenner laments the birth of her boring, non-hardcore partying children.

 KIM KARDASHIAN - If you all could refrain from eating or drinking while you're at my house, this party will go smoothly. Oh, and talking, too. I don't want to have to wipe up any errant saliva.

KRIS JENNER - **enters while Edward Forty-Hands-ing two Colt 45s** Errant? Who the fuck is Errant? He sounds lame.

KIM - Oh, great. You're here.

KRIS - Damn right, fat ass. It's time to kick this party up a notch. **grabs Rob's friend Bongz, makes out with him**

KIM - Mom, stop. That's Rob's friend.

Jersey Shore Episode 4 - "Breaking Up"

Ronnie perfects the triple-kiss, an act of betrayal that strikes fear into the hearts of all New Jersey-based quasi-girlfriends.

J-WOWW - Ronnie's been playing you, Sam.

SAMMI - Oh my God. Has he been going to Nobu with a lingerie model while I'm stuck eating The Situation's floor dinners?

SNOOKI - No.  Worse.

SAMMI - Shit. He's been taking some broad to the Jackie Gleason Theatre of the Performing Arts while I sit and watch Pauly pick scabs off of his Prince Albert?

J-WOWW - Much, much worse.

SAMMI - Well, what then? Prostitutes? Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases? Prostitutes with Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases?


SNOOKI - He triple-kisses and motorboats.

SAMMI - What?!? But those are two of the most emotionally-charged, sacred acts!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "Hills are Alive with Giudice"

Everyone hates the Giudices, because they are awful people.

Waiting for a coach bus from Naples to Sala Consilina...


ALBERT MANZO - Ever consider taking a trip without the kids? Maybe leaving them with Super Nanny Jo Frost?

TERESA GIUDICE - I don't go anywhere wid out all four a-my kids. Not even da shower.


CAROLINE MANZO - Still... Jo Frost. Think about it.


ALBERT - Strenuous hikes up steep hills and lavish wine-soaked dinners are a little much for kids with these... uh... behavioral circumstances.

TERESA -Whatevah. Milania, put down da Chianti! Ain't she da cutest?

JOE GIUDICE - Hey shit faces. The fuckin' bus is here.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 2 - "Disloyal to the Party"

Tareq and Michaele Salahi are about as close to Virginia royalty as one can get.



MICHAELE SALAHI -  Welcome to Paul Wharton's birthday party!

TAREQ SALAHI - Paul is now 37, and we've put a non-refundable five grand deposit on this room, just for him!

MICHAELE - Now that that's all out of the way, please direct your attention to us.

TAREQ - Watch, friends of Paul, as we slice open this bottle of moonshine brewed in our Virginia barn from former Governor George Allen's own recipe.

MICHAELE - We know him. He's really sorry about the "macaca" thing.

TAREQ - Whoops, got a little moonshine on your dress there, Lynda.

LYNDA ERKILETIAN - Fuck you.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "The Chanels of Venice"

A verbose "Juicy" Joe Giudice knows that you gotta do what you gotta do. Know what I mean?

At the Giudice compound...

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hey, Joe. Word around Franklin Lakes is that you drove into a ditch after eight Butter Babies.

"JUICY" JOE GIUDICE - Happy wife, happy life, know what I mean?

JACQUELINE - No. Not really.

Jersey Shore Episode 2 - "The Hangover"

Even the finest curve-hugging pleather doesn't look as good as barbecued chicken tenders taste.



ANGELINA - I love you.

PAULY D - Uh huh.

ANGELINA - I would marry you.

PAULY D - Ok.

ANGELINA - I think about you most moments of most days.

PAULY D - Alright.

ANGELINA - Sometimes I imagine a miniature version of myself camping out in your hair gel, hoping to be in the next squirt that makes it to your crown.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 1 - "Welcome to the District"

Cat Ommaney's limited exposure to African-Americans and undying devotion to George W. Bush makes everyone she meets extremely uncomfortable.


STACIE – I’m so glad you could come to my dinner party, weird British lady who’s married to a paparazzo with a perm.

CAT – Hi ho, thank you for having me, old girl. Wait… where are all the white chaps?

STACIE – Welcome to Chocolate City.

CAT – I thought that was in Pennsylvania.

STACIE – It’s figurative. There are a lot of black people in Washington DC.

CAT – Don’t get your knickers all in a bunch. Who is that bloke preparing our food?

STACIE – He’s Tito Jackson’s personal chef. He also makes a fifteen-pound “Big n’ Beefy” casserole for Tyra Banks twice a week.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 13 - "Don't Drink the Holy Water"

All the Juviderm, Botox, Restylane and other emotion-erasing cosmetic products in the world can't extinguish the intense love a birth mother feels when she first lays eyes on her daughter.


At the Oakland Diner in Oakland, New Jersey...

DANIELLE STAUB: Whoever she is, my birth mother's gotta be proud of me. Look at my successes... A television show, a book deal...

KIM G: A sex tape, a Colombian cartel...

DANIELLE: You bitch. You fucking bitch.

KIM G: It was just a joke!

DANIELLE: What I didn't want, or need, or ask for, is your pathetic excuse for a joke. I don't expect, or anticipate, or foresee, that you'll live to see another day once my buddy Danny gets here. Ah, he just pulled up.

KIM G: No, Danielle! Nooooooo!

DANIELLE: (in the parking lot) Danny! Thank Allah you're here. Ready to fuck up that blue-haired butt-crack bitch?

DANNY PROVENZANO: No, Danielle, I've come for another reason entirely.