Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Kim's House Party"

Kris Jenner laments the birth of her boring, non-hardcore partying children.

 KIM KARDASHIAN - If you all could refrain from eating or drinking while you're at my house, this party will go smoothly. Oh, and talking, too. I don't want to have to wipe up any errant saliva.

KRIS JENNER - **enters while Edward Forty-Hands-ing two Colt 45s** Errant? Who the fuck is Errant? He sounds lame.

KIM - Oh, great. You're here.

KRIS - Damn right, fat ass. It's time to kick this party up a notch. **grabs Rob's friend Bongz, makes out with him**

KIM - Mom, stop. That's Rob's friend.

KRIS - Fine. His breath smells like cheese, anyway. **pushes Bongz away**  Toga! Toga! Toga!

KIM - It's too late. Everyone already came wearing their own clothes.

KRIS - Oh. Fuck. Hey, look over there!

KIM - **turns head** What?

KRIS - **spills entire contents of a forty on Kim's white throw pillow** Oh, I thought I saw Mason jogging.


KIM - My throw pillow! Why did you do that?

KRIS - To teach you not to furnish your house in white stuff. Isn't that the kind of stuff mothers teach daughters? **leans over the pillow and vomits**

KIM - Stop intentionally vomiting on my throw pillow!

KRIS - Sorry. Carl's Jr.


KIM - Gross! Ok, I think Bruce needs to take you home now. You're too wasted.


KRIS - Dude, you suuuuccccck. Of all the things that could have come out of my vagina, I get a lame non-partier. I'm a failure of a mother.

KIM - Aw, Mom. Not a complete failure. Khloe tells jokes sometimes.

KRIS - That's true. That's true. **passes out**