Friday, July 30, 2010

Jersey Shore Episode 1 - "Goin' South"

This Florida panther, a unique subspecies of cougar, wins worldwide recognition after eating a significant portion of The Jersey Shore cast.

The gang arrives in Miami Beach, FL...

THE SITUATION: MIA, baby! They got surf, sun, sand, and a little refugee boy from Cuba.

PAULY D: Elian Gonzalez got sent back, bro. Janet Reno.

Um, HELLO???!! Are you DUMB?

THE SITUATION: Sorry. Anyway, now that we're all here, what's the first thing we should do?

**everyone looks at each other and nods in agreement**


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep. 11 - "Staub Wounds"

Caroline Manzo copes with her son's failure by getting a Susan Powter makeover.

Scene I

In the Manzo's kitchen...

ALBIE MANZO: Ma! Dad! A letter came from law school!

Woo hoo! Read it to us, sweetie.

ALBIE: Uh... maybe Dad should read it. My learning disability and all.

ALBERT MANZO: Sure, son. My letter opener's still bloody from my run-in with Nick the Greek, so let's have Ma put her manicure to use.

Here we go. This is so exciting.

ALBERT: **clears throat**

Dear Stupid Pants,

You are not qualified to study law here at Seton Hall, which barely made the top 100 in the law school rankings, or any other law school, for that matter. Your talents are better suited for busboy at the brownstone. On second thought, you don't really have any talents, and should seriously consider killing yourself.


The Dean of Law.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 10 - "Country Clubbed"

An image of Albie Manzo recently surfaced, making why he failed out of law school less of a mystery.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: You were smart to come to me, Albie. Not only am I the third-best disability lawyer in Bergen County, but I've also managed to keep your parents out of prison after they've broken the femurs of all your K through 12 teachers.

ALBIE MANZO: People go to prison for that? It'll heal. Big deal.

I know, right? Pussies.

ALBIE: Tell me a bit about your credentials. You know, which professional schools you've forced to educate disabled people, and your bra size.

Well, when a kid with Down's couldn't get into Hofstra law, we fought those discriminatory a-holes. I'm proud to report that he's now a partner at Mayer Brown, handling mergers and acquisitions. 38D.

ALBIE: Wow. On both counts.

And one of my clients with Cerebral Palsy went to New Jersey Medical School after a long fight, and became the head of breast augmentation at the Wayne Surgical Center.

Isn't that where Danielle Staub got her work done?

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: You betcha. He's now the best in the biz.

ALBIE: So what can you do for me? And how many sexual partners have you had?

I can make it so your dumbness disability never becomes an issue in the legal profession again. Seven.

Look out, Rutgers-Newark. I'll be transferring to a law school near you with a 0.004 GPA in no time.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: That's the attitude! See you in the utility closet in twenty minutes.

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