Thursday, October 30, 2008

Kim is really 29/30! did what we were too lazy and cheap to do; they actually located some court records that show Kim Zolciak is the age she claims to be:

Maybe if she lost the lip liner and the animal carcass on top of her head, people wouldn't have such a hard time believing it.

RHOC Women Get Make-Under on Oprah

For anyone who missed Monday's installment of Oprah (and I'm hoping thats all of you, I had to watch for the sake of this website), the five women from the fourth season of "Real Housewives of Orange County" got 'made-under'. The concept behind this make-under was to tone down their "over the top" sex appeal. When did the term bus station skank go out of fashion?

Regardless, I don't know what is wrong with the style of the RHOC women, but seeing as I live in the area, their style really isn't off base or out of the norm. Oprah's "style" experts gave the 5 women make-unders to basically make them look like they were from the Midwest. I guess thats good. I don't know. It was a lot of baggy clothing, and clothing that wouldn't work in our 70 degree winter days.

While the women all loved their individual style, and they were praised for now possessing unique fashions, they agreed that they wouldn't wear these clothes back home. We have a more casual lifestyle, and more casual dress, and they would probably get laughed out of the Coto club house with their new style.

Apparently, the problem with the RHOC women is that they all had a homogenous appearance. Yes, they all do dress alike, but they dress like women from Orange County dress. Much like most women in Chicago or New York would dress like women from their respective cities. I didn't realize that Old Navy and Abercrombie were selling one of a kind originals now. My mistake.

Plus, the lamest part of this whole segment was that the make-under clothing all came from Nordstrom. Yeah, because Nordstrom is so hard to find here in Orange County, other than at the Shops of Mission Viejo, Irvine Spectrum Center, South Coast Plaza, Fashion Island, MainPlace, or Brea Mall.

Don't watch this segment. It was the biggest waste of 15 minutes of my life since I tried to have "the talk" with my Dad to get him to vote for Obama.

You can take a look at the new styles on Oprah's website:

Real Housewives of Atlanta- the $1,000,000 Pyramid

I'm not a religious person. I didn't grow up in a religious household. Actually, that is an understatement as I can count on one hand how many times I have been to church for occassions other than weddings or funerals. So when I hear things like "Anything is possible through God" as DeShawn's justification for her belief that she will raise 1 million dollars at her fundraiser, I get a little skeptical.

It turns out that she didn't raise 1 million dollars, which is quite unfortunate as her charity uses the money to help unprivileged young girls. However, her lack of awareness about what it would take to raise this massive sum is what astonished me. Even without raising the money, and not even breaking even, we were blessed with the riches of plenty to comment on during this latest installment of RHoA.

I think whomever said the famous adage about first impressions was wrong, as I got a different peak into Sheree yesterday. I don't dislike her as much as I once did, and I think they unfairly portrayed her in the first few episodes. NeNe has revealed her true spots, and its not pretty. Kim has even noticed this mean streak in NeNe, and has shifted towards Team Sheree. Thats a pretty bold move from a woman so delusional that she still thinks she is 29.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Life doesn't always have a happy ending

My brother-in law informed that while on a date at Mosun Sushi in Laguna Beach last Friday night, his server was Jessica, of Deter and Jessica and Jason-cheats-on-LC Jessica fame.


The Hills- You're Losing Me

So on this so-so episode of "the Hills"- where is Lo again to make snarky comments? And where is Speidi's official endorsement of McCain?

What does Audrina think about the Presidential election? I would like to know her opinions. She seems smart.

They are really starting to lose me at this point. Why do I want to hear about She Pratt and Cameron's date? I never thought I would say the words, "I miss Jason Wahler". Who knew there were less interesting people in this world? I had a more action packed night, and I stayed home to watch TV.

And seriously, why don't Lauren and Brody just do it? Really.

Its a sad testament to the state of this show that Audrina and JustinBobby are largely driving the story this season. He's a douche and a half, and she can't even spell 'douche and a half'.

How do these girls manage to keep their jobs? Audrina leaves the studio with Brandy (who is Liz's favorite celebrity driver) to have the 'conversation' with JB. How many of you can walk away from your job for 30 minutes to chat with your jean short cutoffs-wearing boyfriend?

- RJ

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Kim's True Age Revealed

I don't know if anyone else caught the previews for next week's episode, but it seems that all the other women vent their frustrations about NeNe. Figures that they'd all turn on the most down-to-earth housewife. Apparently, they're angry at her because she created a little ditty that rips on Kim. One of the lyrics is:

"You say you're 29, but you're really 89."

That line confirms what three DVR rewinds couldn't; Kim's been passing herself off as a twentysomething, even to her friends. And, like the rest of us, they ain't buyin' it.

Friday, October 24, 2008

RW/RR Challenge- the Pot and the Kettle

This was the biggest statement on this week's installement of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge- the Island:

"I don't hate women. I hate stupid people."

Um, hi, stupid kettle, this is mentally challenged pot.

Both of these boats are going to sink, and we will be left with a greatly reduced cast for the next Challenge.

It was refreshing to see Johnny nearing his come-uppance. With the news that the non-key holders (Ev, KellyAnne, Johanna and Robin) would all have an opportunity to steal a key, the concept of alienating everyone on the island seems like a horrible idea now.

Here is to hoping that lesbianism triumphs, and Ev is able to steal a key from Johnny. Thats all I really want to see.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Heart Wikipedia- the Real Housewives of Atlanta

A quick check of the Wikipedia entry for RHoA and I found two decent pieces of information.

1. Lisa Wu Hartwell is the ex-wife of Keith Sweat, with which she shares two children.

2. An article with speculation on the true identity of 'Big Papa'

Real Housewives of Atlanta- Now We Just Be Lyin'

WTF? I haven't heard such outrageous and untrue claims since my last Palin rally! How is Kim (aka Big Poppa's Mama) 29 years old? Is that human or dog years?

To quote Craig Robinson in "Knocked Up": "I would tear that ass up....... but you old as fuck. Not for the Earth, but for this club".

I don't know what is more of an offense to the ears, though. Kim's claim that she is 29 or the mere idea of a second burgeoning music career from one of the "Real Housewives". We've seen fewer aspiring singers on "American Idol". Still, you have to give Kim props for not towing the party line and refusing to be friends with Sherree, just because NeNe has had several misunderstandings with her. Judging by NeNe's general disposition, I'm guessing she has had more than her share of misunderstandings with a wide array of people.

Regardless, NeNe is still far and away my favorite Atlanta housewife. I generally don't have feelings for other human beings, but I am interested in seeing the outcome of her paternity. I can't imagine being an adult, with nearly adult children, only to discover that you've been lied to about your paternity for years. Plus, I want to get to know her husband more, as he seems like an interesting person. I'm also willing to wager that he does one hell of a Luther Vandross impersonation. Thats probably just my latent racism, though.

Does Sheree have children? There are two kids behind her in the opening credits, but I don't remember meeting either of them yet. Have we learned all of her story yet and she is just really this boring? I'm hoping they haven't marched the skeletons out of the closet yet.

Along with my latent racism, I also have tons of white liberal guilt. Therefore, I was extremely uncomfortable with DeShawn's idea to auction people off at her charity event. Doesn't Atlanta, or the South in general, have a tenuous history with auctioning people? I don't feel comfortable going there. Of course, DeShawn is under the impression that she will be able to raise the mind-boggling, Dr. Evil sum of $1 million dollars from her charity event. If she invites 500 people, thats $2,000 per head if they all donated equally. In this economic climate, I just don't see that happening. I just gave my last $2,000 to a black guy, and he is probably going to be our next President. I think his cause is a little more worthy, DeShawn.

Am I forgetting any of the housewives? Ah yes, Lisa, but only because she is hardly ever on the show.

Well, I better wrap this up, because I just received an email from that says I have a chance to win a free MBA education in Encino-- and this just sounds like too great of an opportunity to pass up.....


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Episode 3

Did I hear correctly? Did Kim on Real Housewives seriously say she's 29? As in, twenty-nine years old? Born in 1979? Bish, please. I don't mean to be hatin', but c'mon now...

You claiming to be 29 is like Jo De La Rosa saying she's 24.

Talk about being tardy for the party. Sheesh.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta- A Completely Biased View

I used some down time this weekend to accomplish a few things.

1. a filed a bunch of papers I had been meaning to file for months
2. I found the love of my life, and it turns out she was a random 21 year old bar skank at Slidebar in Downtown Fullerton and one day she will hopefully be the mother of my children (even though she is a McCain supporter and a pothead)
and the one actually germane to this website:
3. I finally caught the first two episodes of "Real Housewives of Atlanta"

So called me old-fashioned, but Atlanta does not ring true like the original show. I never watched RHofNY but the angle of Atlanta bothers me. What exactly is "real" about any of these women? They're all married to NBA or NFL players. At least the housewives in Orange County are middle-class, a lot more "real" (except for their tits, of course).

Plus, spend a few minutes of time on Google with "Real Housewives of Orange County" and you'll see that the real drama happens off the show. There is Lauri's son, Josh; and a drunk driving hit and run, just to name a few.

Before this show, though, I pretty much thought everyone in the South was still a sharecropper. The kind of people that Sarah Palin expects to find in the "real, pro-America parts of the country". You know, people with "values" like hating on gays. It turns out that Atlanta is just as jaded as those of us in the hell-bound blue states, though. I really does make me appreciate the South just a little more. I guess I'm going to have to find a new geographic region to hate on. We'll always have Appalachia and Texas, I guess.

Anyway, I have to agree with Liz that the catfights on this show are rather tame. They really need someone to stir the pot better. The whole NeNe and Sheree thing seems more scripted than Audrina's dialogue on "the Hills". Here is to hoping that the good stuff is still to come...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Real World/Road Rules Challenge - The Island

Isn't it amazing how much people can grow and change in only a few months away from the gaze of MTV's cameras? Derrick has gotten so wasted in the past that the producers created a double-vision view so we at home could experience his extreme intoxication with him. Colie drunkenly schtupped nine or ten men in Denver, including an old Aussie bloke, her not-for-profit boss, and a roomie.

But now that they're on The Island, they're sooooooo mature. Both criticize Robin and Dan's drinking, and Colie even called them alcoholics. As the old saying goes, that's the Monica Lewinsky calling the kettle black. Or whatever.

Self-righteous punks. Appearing on another RR/RW Challenge does not a responsible adult make.

Robin and Dan might put 'em back, but they're providing a valued service - entertainment. It's great that you impregnated your wife, Derrick, which is an enormous accomplishment and deserves all the praise in the world. But Robin called out Dan on his limp peen in front of everybody. Impotence is simply more tv-worthy than virility. You're boring now. Stop clucking your tongues and go home.

Cohutta "Purdy Mouth" Lee was sent back to the Georgia wilderness this week, and his ol' Sydney buddy Dunbar didn't hesitate to drive another nail in the coffin during the voting process. I second RJ's motion to eat Dunbar. Even though I'm not on the island and have a full fridge, I wouldn't hesitate to feast on a Dun-Drumstick. Let's make it happen.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Hills- Thank God for Rules Against Nudity on Television

This was the episode I waited for all week? MTV has lured me in with false premises so many times, I don't know why I continue to fall for their antics. The Audrina-JustinBobby-Random Guy love triangle rates only slighly higher on the radar of love triangles than John Stamos-That Chick from "Bend It Like Beckham"- and the guy from "A Walk to Remember" on "ER". Both shows have overstayed their welcome. At least hook a brother up and give me a side shot of Lauren's right boob. Then I will consider continuing to watch this show.

The only storyline more painful to watch is Spuncer, Heidi and Holly. Can someone please tell Holly that her sister doesn't choose hoes over bros. It just doesn't happen. She is inexplicably in love with this ginormous bag of douche, and his flesh-colored beard. I have noticed that the beard is growing in darker, which means one of three things. Spuncer has either finally reached puberty, he is dying his facial hair with a $6 bottle of "Just for Men" purchased from Rite Aid, or he has been gorilla-masked by one of his "friends". The safe bet is on the gorilla masking, as Brody has very pube-like hair already. Replace that $6 bottle of "Just for Men" with a $2 bottle of "Elmer's Glue" from Michael's and the puzzle starts to come together.

Speaking of facial hair and douchebaggery, cuando and que did Brody, Frankie, Doug and the rest of the posse become such butt buddies with JustinBobby? I seem to remember a season 2 episode that involved Brody talking shit on JB. Apparently, all is cool in guy world now. Or they really need a douche-y equivalent to Spuncer to round out their group once Spuncer found himself friendless and permanently camped out in Heidiwood's (only 8 payments left) "hills".

What happened with Lo this week? She was gone. When Audrina and Cory were hanging out in the kitchen after what one can only expect was a night of passionless sex filled with blank stares, I expected Lo to provide the snarky commentary.

With that said, I have never been more thankful for TV's self-censorship, that prevented me from seeing any part(s) of JustinBobby. Don't let it happen MTV.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Hills - Who to Choose?

So that was the "steamiest scene in Hills history?"

They didn't even make out. We just saw some bare silicone float to the pool's surface.

Instead of getting turned on from this encounter, I started to worry about the certain outbreak of Hepatitis B in Southern California once J-Bobs uses his "hallpass" with a Mexican prostitute and passes his souvenir to Audrina, and so forth and so on. Good luck with that one, John F. Schunhoff, Interim Director of the Los Angeles County Department of Health.

Ah, Spuncer. I call him Spuncer, you see, because a writer on EW, referring to the Brody of yore, claimed that "Spencer's Best Friend" is pronounced "Spuncer's Bust Frund" in Cali speak. That really stuck with me, because of the new kid in my sophomore year health class that moved from LA. I'll never forget that guy and his weirdly pronounced vowels, even though his name escapes me. I love you.

A co-worker and I got into a mild disagreement last week when I expressed anger at Spunce's manipulation. He's alienated Heidi from her job, her family, and her friends. He is the reason Holly is warming her hands over an oil drum fire on Skid Row. My co-worker, however, proclaimed that Chin Implant is "no victim." I now see the light. Without Spunce, Heidi would have slid into obscurity years ago. His flesh beard and it's magical allure is keeping Speidi a part of the popular lexicon. He is almost Christ-like in his devotion to Heidi and her fame whoreness.

I don't know much about Christ, but I like saying that people are Christ-like in their devotion to something Christ would probably not have done. You might say that I am Christ-like in my devotion to quality bathroom reading.

Moving on to the Aftershow, because I couldn't keep abreast of the meaningful-glance context during the remaining 20 minutes of the show. She-Pratt, live and uncensored, shows no shame when she announces she has no idea what Serbia is. Along with hamsters, guinea pigs, and the fine art of not talking frustratingly slowly, Steph knows nada about Eastern Europe.

I'm sure RJ will have a more structured post in a few hours when the show airs on the West Coast. I eagerly await his analysis.

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