Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Hills Episode 10 - "Welcome to the Jungle"

Justin Bobby suggests that Confederate flag apparel is only racist if you're from the South.


In the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle...

AUDRINA: I like your hat.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks. Nothing says appropriate like a Confederate flag ski cap in the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle.

Is that what that is? I thought it was the logo of a skateboard company. You are soooo political.

Just another layer to the Justin Bobby onion, baby. Peel me.

Well, you could just get an exfoliating treatment at the spa here. It's not as expensive as you'd -

No, I don't really want to be peeled. It was a lewd sexual suggestion.

AUDRINA: Me and metaphors go together about as well as your hat and a leisurely stroll around Watts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I tried that once. Maybe I'll show you my scar sometime.

I'd love that. You're so brave.


At a Costa Rican beachside bar, populated by early 20s fauxhemians...

BRODY: You're like a little sister to me.

KRISTIN: What? I can't believe you would say something that incredibly hurtful.

BRODY: No, I meant in the way Kendall and Kylie are my little sisters. Meaning I would so hit that.

So you're saying you want to love me down in a similar way you want to love down your pre-teen half-sisters?

Is that so wrong?

KRISTIN: Nothing ever sounded so right.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Hills Episode 9 - " Break-Up to Make-Up"

Semi-hit wonder Ryan Cabrera won't have the opportunity to go "down, down, down" on Audrina Patridge any longer.


AUDRINA: Convict! Haha.

RYAN CABRERA: I don't get it.

See? This is what I mean. I don't think we mesh well together.

RYAN CABRERA: You don't think we mesh well together?

Right. When I'm the one making the jokes and the other person is the one giving me a vacant stare, we' re in trouble.

That's not what this is really about. It's that Johnson Boobie guy, isn't it?

AUDRINA: His name is Justin Bobby. And, yes, he's been showing up at awkward times to places he wasn't invited to. He's really trying.

: I can try, too!

AUDRINA: The bundt cake you made last week was more than enough.

RYAN CABRERA: I know! I'll sing to you. That's a surefire way to win you back! **clears throat** Ahem.
"Sick and tired of this world
there's no more air."

AUDRINA: That's very nice. Do you have any other songs? I feel like I've heard your marginally popular 2004 song "On the Way Down" a thousand times.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Um, yeah sure. How about this?

"Gooooin' nowhere.
No direction
And I took a dive, and-"

AUDRINA: Ryan? That's still the same song.

RYAN CABRERA: Yeah, but it perfectly captures how I'm feeling at this moment.
"on the waaaay doooown
I saw you
And you saved me
From myyyself
And I won't forget
The way you touched me."

AUDRINA: Damn it! Change it up!

RYAN CABRERA: I did! I took out the word "loved" and replaced it with "touched." It made everything sound totally different, right?

AUDRINA: One last chance. Sing something new, or I'm gone. Forever.

"Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I neeeeeeded."

AUDRINA: See ya.

RYAN CABRERA: No, please don't go. This song... It's all I have. Joe Simpson wrote it back in the early Aughties, and there hasn't been anything new since. I'm a hack. A fraud. Puppy dog face.

AUDRINA: So all the spikes and jewels and double chins are just a front?

Yes. Deep down, I'm just an insecure chubby eight-year-old, struggling to get up the gym class rope.

AUDRINA: Well, we don't live in a world where chubby eight-year-olds get to fuck silicone blank-eyed hotties. Patridge out.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 - "Bubbies Gone Bad"

Golden boy Albie Manzo paves the way for clinically dumb former law students everywhere.

ALBIE: Ma, I got a 0.0000 GPA this semester. Seton Hall has politely asked me not to return.

CAROLINE: Why would they do that? Are they crazy?

ALBIE: Well, my grades bring down their average, and that hurts their ranking.

CAROLINE: Selfish motherfuckin' law school. Only caring about the law. Ri goddamn diculous.

Its ok. Maybe I'll help Christopher open his chicks with dicks car wash.

CAROLINE: No son of mine is gonna work at a chicks with dicks car wash!

ALBIE: But you let Christopher do it.

CAROLINE: He doesn't count. Did you tell Seton Hall about your disability? And how you've been clinically diagnosed as dumb?

Of course. They said maybe a clinically dumb dude might not make the best lawyer.

CAROLINE: Those bastards! Those prejudiced bastards!

ALBIE: The dean said I remind him of Forrest Gump, but without the charm and sincerity.

You stand up for yourself and every low IQ guy out there, and show the world that idiots can practice law, too!

I really just want to take a nap...

BIG ALBERT: What's going on in here? The yelling is so loud I had to take a break from my stability ball.

CAROLINE: Albie's stupidness disability got him kicked out of Seton Hall.

What should we do, dad?

BIG ALBERT: What should we do? What we always do to help you kids accomplish stuff. Threaten the lives of whoever is in charge.

CAROLINE: I'll get the Uzi.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Hills Episode 8 - "Between a Rocker and a Hard Place"

Allie Lutz experiences the pain of not fitting in with her peer group, and plans to educate about the dangers of systematic bullying.

Scene I

At Les Deux...

MCKAELA: I came here all the way from an Iowa farm, and this is how people treat me?

ALLIE LUTZ: Welcome to L.A. When two mad scientists spliced human DNA with animal DNA and I was created, people in this town weren't so kind to me either.

MCKAELA: Whoa, you were spliced? I tried that on the farm by putting my prized sow in a Victoria's Secret teddy, but my brother didn't take the bait.

ALLIE LUTZ: Yeah, it's not so bad. The most animalistic things I've ever done is eat Cheetos out of the trash and bite off Chase Crawford's dick. No biggie.

MCKAELA: And break into Brody's house?

ALLIE LUTZ: That too. One of my talons fell off while I was partying there, so I went back to find it.

MCKAELA: Can't blame you for that. Talon manicures ain't cheap. Oh no, here comes that awful Kristin Cavelieri.

KRISTIN: Well, looky here. If it isn't a farmer and one of her farm animals.

MCKAELA: That's actually quite accurate.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, you're just jealous because dogs don't even look your way when you're menstruating.

MCKAELA: Yeah, its like "All Dogs go to Heaven" up in here when Allie's in heat. Oh my god, what am I saying?

KRISTIN: McKaela, even though you're from Iowa and I once saw you wear cargo pants, you can do better than hanging out with a half human-half animal.

MCKAELA: You're right, gosh darn it!

KRISTIN: Want to go get Caramel Frapes at Mickie Dee's?


ALLIE LUTZ: Why, god? Whyyyyy? (Gets on all fours and sniffs a discarded plate of foie gras with crostini.)

Stephanie Pratt is kind of like Debbie Downer, except her name is not Debbie.

Scene II

At Stephanie Pratt's apartment, during her second date with Prom King Max...

MAX: Delicious dinner, Stephanie. Reminds me of the meatloaf my mom used to make.

STEPHANIE: I bet my mom would make good meatloaf. If she were alive.

MAX: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what do you like to do for fun?

STEPHANIE: Not much, since my DUI. I drank a fifth of Skyy and ran over Jada Pinkett's poodle. Them's the breaks, I guess.

MAX: Well, I'm, uh, glad to see that you're doing better. Hey, do you bowl? I bowled a 65 at Lucky Strike on Tuesday. I'm such a klutz.

STEPHANIE: No, I don't bowl. The National Bowling Association actually got me on record saying that I thought the sport was for white trash. A YouTube video made the rounds, and now I'm pretty much banned from every bowling alley in the country. Oh well.

MAX: Wow. That's rough. Hey, at least this lemonade is good. That'll make any dark day brighter.

STEPHANIE: Oh, that's not lemonade. My brother hates me so much that he leaves plastic bottles full of urine on my doorstep every morning.

MAX: You know what? I'm going to leave.

STEPHANIE: Ok. Call me.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 7 - "Play At Your Own Risk"

Danielle Staub remembers the 1980s fondly.

At a Jersey strip joint...

DANIELLE STAUB: I don't know, guys... Its been 25 years. These long, thoroughbred legs don't wrap around the pole like they used to.

DANNY PROVENZANO: Aw, c'mon, Danielle!

DANIELLE: OK, twist my arm. Yo, DJ! Gimme a beat!

(The DJ puts on Warrant's "Cherry Pie".)

DANIELLE: Girls, the key to getting a novelty beer koozie with Spuds MacKenzie pictured sitting poolside is to engage.... Then suggest.

KIM G: Wow, a beer koozie?

DANIELLE: That's nothin'. Once, while I was doing the ol' scoot n' spread, an MCI exec put a pair of Blublockers down my G-string.

KIM G: The world of 80s stripping is filled with material treasures!

DANIELLE: Oh, not just material treasures, my AARP friend. Check out this. It's called the squirt n' squeal.

KIM G: I shoulda brought my rain coat.

DANIELLE: Harry Hamlin sure did, and he took me to Trader Vic's for a Mai Tai after.

KIM G: You could have been Lisa Rinna!

DANIELLE: That big-lipped bitch. Can she do THIS?

KIM G: Oh my. Probably not. Are you double jointed?

DANNY: Hey Danielle, do you remember that move you used to pull at Bada Bing in '87?

DANIELLE: Do I? Of course. A real crowd pleaser, until I got a citation for maiming pigeons. Let's see if I can work an updated version.... Hmmm, let me put this here, and stuff this one in there, and put this up that. And voila!

DANNY: You still got it, D!

DANIELLE: Where did everybody go?

DANNY: Kim G. started retching, and it became a chain reaction of sorts. It was probably the undercooked lettuce wraps at PF Chang's, and has nothing to do with what you just did on that pole.

DANIELLE: Amateurs. They probably couldn't even handle the stop, drop, and hole.

DANNY: Well, I liked it. Here, I got a little something for you.

DANIELLE: A Little Caesar's key chain? Aw. Let this be a lesson to young girls everywhere about the empowerment that lies in trying to please nasty old horndogs.

DANNY: You're a wise broad, D. A wise, wise, only slightly-decaying broad.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Hills Episode 7 - "The Company You Keep"

Allie Lutz proves that even if it doesn't walk like a duck or talk like a duck, it still could very well be a duck. Or whatever.

Scene I

ALLIE LUTZ: I just cut a chunk of your hair out while you were sleeping because I saw lice crawling in it.

MCKAELA: You're such a good friend.

ALLIE LUTZ: No problem, I'd do it for anyone. I'm a really good person. Hey, want to go to She-Pratt's birthday party tomorrow?

MCKAELA: I dunno, it might be awkward.

ALLIE LUTZ: Don't worry, I'll arrange an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist to have your vocal chords removed so you don't have to respond to any petty comments. No need to thank me.

MCKAELA: You're the best!

Scene II

At Stephanie's non-alcoholic birthday celebration...

KRISTIN: Oh shit, Allie Lutz is here with McKaela.

LO: Sorry, I invited McKaela. She's got a deep appreciation for Smashbox's artificial light luminizing lotion, so I thought we could really make this friendship work.

KRISTIN: (to Allie) HEY BITCH! Remember when you broke into Brody's house when I was sleeping in his bed? It's cuz we just had sex. Me and Brody were having sex, everybody. Just so you know. We do that sometimes.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, I just broke into Brody's house because I saw a strange black man enter through the patio door and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

BRODY: Um, that was Lamar Odom coming in for a night cap.

ALLIE LUTZ: Sorry, he just looked shady. Your safety is so important to me that I even Nancy Kerrigan'ed his kneecap. So much for the Lakers' championship, eh?

LO: What about when you slept with my boyfriend? While I was in the room?

ALLIE LUTZ: I was checking to make sure he didn't have any STDs. That's right - I was willing to risk sterility for your health. It's ok. I'd really do it for any of you.

STEPHANIE: What about when you murdered my Nana with her own bifocals?

ALLIE LUTZ: Oh, that. I just really hated your Nana. Everybody slips, sometimes.

AUDRINA: I think you should leave, Allie. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes focused on a random spot on the ceiling, and that means one of my infamous rages is coming on.

LO: It's true. One time during a solar eclipse, Audrina softly told the bouncer at Area that he was being mean.

ALLIE LUTZ: Damn. Fine, I'm out.

Scene III

Outside the club...

MCKAELA: I don't get why they have a problem with you. You're sooooo sweet.

ALLIE LUTZ: People just can't accept a kind heart at face value anymore. Hey, let me give you an enema in front of the cameras and this crowd of people. You look a little bound up.

MCKAELA: Aw... I have been a little irregular. Thank you!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep 6 - "It's Not Me, It's You"

Ashley Holmes-Laurita pays the price for threatening Danielle Staub, but eventually learns that lemons can make lemonade. Lesbian prison lemonade.

JACQUELINE: What a great room, sweetie! We can put your bookshelf over here, a bean bag chair over here, and a mini-fridge right there.

ASHLEY: Thanks, mom.

JACQUELINE: My baby girl, all grown up. Are you all signed up for classes?

ASHLEY: Yeah, license plate making starts next week.

JACQUELINE: Rutgers has that in their curriculum? Must be the "underwater basket weaving" of the millennial generation, huh?

ASHLEY: I know you're in denial, but this isn't Rutgers. Its the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women in Clinton, New Jersey.

JACQUELINE: Again with the sense of humor! My little Paula Poundstone. Well, here's a care package filled with homey comforts, for those nights of cramming before finals!

ASHLEY: Did you happen to include a dental dam?

JACQUELINE: Now you want to be a dentist? I thought you were undecided. Well, all you've got to do is study hard!

PRISON GUARD: Visiting hours are up!

JACQUELINE: Your RA is kind of a bitch. Gotta go, love you!

DANNY: Hey, you must be Ashley. I'm your new roommate, Danny.

ASHLEY: Danny Provenzano, of the Staub gang? Why are you in a women's prison?

DANNY: Don't let the masculine feathered hair fool you. I've got a vaginal canal longer than the Holland Tunnel. What are you in for, gorgeous?

ASHLEY: I told someone on Friendster to go to hell. I didn't think they'd actually log-in, it being Friendster and all. You?

DANNY: Let's just say the mystery of Tiny Manzo's murder has been solved.

ASHLEY: Dude, that's my stepdad's sister's husband's dad! How could you?

DANNY: When there's enough dough to rival the Guidice estate, you're willing to crack a few skulls.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

DANNY: Well, I snuck a dental dam past the guards, and we've got three hours until chow. Whaddya say?

ASHLEY: I say the prison couldn't have assigned me a better roomie if it was Gaga herself. Let's wrestle!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Hills Episode 6 - "Ghost from the Past"

Justin Bobby, former Audrina paramour and drummer for the band Ed StanleY, shocks the MTV viewing audience by displaying what appears to be a semblance of talent.

Scene I
Outside the Viper Room....

LO: Wow, Justin Bobby, we had no idea you could drum like that! You're a regular Phil Collins!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks for coming to see Ed StanleY. If you'll excuse me, I've got to get going to my second job.

AUDRINA: Second? Things have really changed since we used to hook up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, it was so much more than hooking up. To me.

AUDRINA: **Gulp**

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yeah, I work down at Cedars Sinai fixing the cleft palates of orphans of rock stars who overdosed. Night shift. No big deal.

LO: You're a plastic surgeon and a rock star? You're a regular Dr. Rey!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Please. I'm just doing what I love.

AUDRINA: Justin Bobby, maybe we could get a drink tomorrow night. You know, to catch up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, I don't drink anymore, hun. When you're a pinch hitter for the San Diego Padres farm team, you've got to be in peak physical condition.

STEPHANIE: Baseball player, musician, doctor? You're a regular David Greenstein!

LO: Who?

STEPHANIE: He went to dental school with my dad. Great guy.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Well, this has been a fantastic chat. I've really got to run. Before the night shift at Cedars, I'm whipping up a quick batch of milk chocolate mousse with port ganache and crème fraîche for the homeless over on Skid Row.

LO: You know what? You seem really different from the Justin Bobby we used to know.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yes. Its called being clean and sober and exploring all of your latent talents.

LO: No. Really different. Like, literally not the same person.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

LO: Don't get an attitude, Audrina. I mean it! He reminds me of this guy who plays Joan Rivers in the drag show at Imperial Palace.

STEPHANIE: What are you saying? That he's an impostor?

JUSTIN BOBBY: Ok, I guess the jig is up. Oh god, please don't tell anyone. I am an impostor.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, I don't blame you for being so upset and emotional. I'm a celebrity impersonator who dabbles in the C-list on weekends. I do a pretty mean Justin Bobby, right?

LO: Amazing. All that's missing is the rotting flesh stench from too much impure cocaine.

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: I'm so sorry I misled you all, but practice makes perfect. If you want to talk to the real Justin Bobby, he's laying in a pile of his own filth there next to the dumpster.

REAL JUSTIN BOBBY: Bleaargh. Meooopheeee.

LO: Ew. I'm having major River Phoenix/Viper Room flashbacks. We'll stick with you instead, Fake Justin Bobby.

RYAN CABRERA: I'm back from my band's tour of rural Cambodia! The fans there were really appreciative, if you catch my - HEY! Why's my girlfriend making out with Justin Bobby?!

STEPHANIE: Don't worry, it's not really him.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Ok. Girl talk time, then. What's the hot new hair straightener on the market?

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 5 - "Into the Lion's Den"

Danny Provenzano breaks down when he's told that he is not posing with the actual Big Pussy, but rather actor Vincent Pastore.

Scene I

DANIELLE: So, Danny, you gonna protect me from the Manzos at the Brownstone?

DANNY: Does Tony protect Christopher?

DANIELLE: Yeah, I guess. Until he killed him in Season 6.

DANNY: I got you. No worries. We stick together like Meadow and Jackie Jr.

DANIELLE: Sure. Hey, where the frick is our table? Is this how people treat people who treat babies with cancer nicely?

DANNY: Heh, this is like when Dr. Melfi got raped.

DANIELLE: Is it really?

DANNY: I guess not. Just be a good Carmela and make sure I get some chicken parm in my belly tonight.

DANIELLE: I would, if this damn family would acknowledge that I'm here. So this is how they act toward Danielle Staub. Like a common crazy person. We're gonna make Caroline and Dina wish they never came out of Nina "Grandma Wrinkles" Laurita's womb, AM I RIGHT, DANNY??? AM I RIGHT???

DANNY: Sure, Danielle. Just like Silvio did Adriana.

DANIELLE: There's that Danny Provenzano enthusiasm. Atta boy.

DANNY: So where's Big Pussy?

DANIELLE: Right here, baby. Get it?

DANNY: Be serious, Danielle! I really thought he'd be here tonight.

DANIELLE: Hey, Danny? You know that The Sopranos was a fictional television show, right?

DANNY: W-what do you mean?

DANIELLE: It wasn't real. Fake. Faker than these tig ol' bitties you're looking at.

DANNY: You shut up. You shut up right now.

DANIELLE: Its true. Now I need you to get a grip on reality and make sure the Manzos pay for all their perceived transgressions against me! Uh... Danny? Why are you sobbing in the fetal position?

DANNY: You've shattered my world! Ughughughugh. **Sniff** Shattered it!

DANIELLE: Jeez. Delusional much? Get off the ground, and let's attack the people who are intent on destroying me.

Scene II

JACQUELINE: Hi, I'm Jacqueline Laurita. You must be my daughter's boyfriend's mom.

DEREK'S MOM: I am, indeed. You look breathtaking.

JACQUELINE: Thanks! I sure hope my Ashley has been respectful of your home while she gives Derek bj's in the basement.

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, extremely respectful. She even cleans up afterwards!

JACQUELINE: That's my girl!

DEREK'S MOM: Would you like some wine, Jacqueline? The Greeks used to say that wine brings you closer to the gods.

JACQUELINE: Is that so? Well, bring it on!

DEREK'S MOM: It also loosens inhibitions.

JACQUELINE: Inhi-what?

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, silly Jacqueline. Silly, buxom, sexually appealing Jacqueline.

JACQUELINE: This wine is really strong!

DEREK'S MOM: Yes, it's a special blend. Drink up, darling. Quickly.

JACQUELINE: So, let's talk more about our crazy kids being in love. Remember what that was like?

DEREK'S MOM: Remember? How does one remember the present? Let me feed you grapes. Straight from my yearning fingers to your anxious gullet.

JACQUELINE: Wow, you sure talk different from most of the ladies in Jersey...

DEREK'S MOM: Hush! Now we kiss.

JACQUELINE: I'm... Feeling... Woozy....

DEREK'S MOM: When you wake up in a dark confined space in my basement, in approximately six hours, please do not be alarmed. My precious Jacqueline.

DEREK: Hey mom, we're home!

ASHLEY: Why's my mother passed out on the couch?

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, you know, a little too much two p.m. drinky drinky. I imagine it's also how she became pregnant with you! Now who wants a Hot Pocket?

ASHLEY & DEREK: WE DOOOOO!!!! (They push Jacqueline out of the way to eat their Hot Pockets).

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