Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep 6 - "It's Not Me, It's You"

Ashley Holmes-Laurita pays the price for threatening Danielle Staub, but eventually learns that lemons can make lemonade. Lesbian prison lemonade.

JACQUELINE: What a great room, sweetie! We can put your bookshelf over here, a bean bag chair over here, and a mini-fridge right there.

ASHLEY: Thanks, mom.

JACQUELINE: My baby girl, all grown up. Are you all signed up for classes?

ASHLEY: Yeah, license plate making starts next week.

JACQUELINE: Rutgers has that in their curriculum? Must be the "underwater basket weaving" of the millennial generation, huh?

ASHLEY: I know you're in denial, but this isn't Rutgers. Its the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women in Clinton, New Jersey.

JACQUELINE: Again with the sense of humor! My little Paula Poundstone. Well, here's a care package filled with homey comforts, for those nights of cramming before finals!

ASHLEY: Did you happen to include a dental dam?

JACQUELINE: Now you want to be a dentist? I thought you were undecided. Well, all you've got to do is study hard!

PRISON GUARD: Visiting hours are up!

JACQUELINE: Your RA is kind of a bitch. Gotta go, love you!

DANNY: Hey, you must be Ashley. I'm your new roommate, Danny.

ASHLEY: Danny Provenzano, of the Staub gang? Why are you in a women's prison?

DANNY: Don't let the masculine feathered hair fool you. I've got a vaginal canal longer than the Holland Tunnel. What are you in for, gorgeous?

ASHLEY: I told someone on Friendster to go to hell. I didn't think they'd actually log-in, it being Friendster and all. You?

DANNY: Let's just say the mystery of Tiny Manzo's murder has been solved.

ASHLEY: Dude, that's my stepdad's sister's husband's dad! How could you?

DANNY: When there's enough dough to rival the Guidice estate, you're willing to crack a few skulls.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

DANNY: Well, I snuck a dental dam past the guards, and we've got three hours until chow. Whaddya say?

ASHLEY: I say the prison couldn't have assigned me a better roomie if it was Gaga herself. Let's wrestle!

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