Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Bromance- And my Bromance Officially Begins

So I'm only half way through "Bromance", and I don't want to oversell it, but its pretty much the best television show ever.  Its right up there with "MASH" and "Gunsmoke".  Okay, I've never seen either of those shows, but they sound fun.

I always thought the phrase 'Bromance' was a neologism like 'showmance' or 'ginormous', but it only occurred to me at the start of the show that this wonderful title also works because its Bro-dy Jenner.  Yes, I'm that slow.

Brody Jenner, where do I begin?  He is a douchebag, no doubt about it.  He's the kind of likeable douchebag that can pull off his douche-itude.  I think he owns his douchebaggery, so its hard not to like him, despite the fact that he is rich, famous, and good looking.

I apologize if I've missed the names of any of the contestants, as I may just reference them by their characteristics.  So far my least favorite character is Jacob.  For starters, he lives with his Grandpa in La Habra, a city so ghetto that we Orange Countians refer to it as 'Guadalahabra' due to its approximate cleanliness to a third world city.

My second least favorite contestant is Chris P, for no other reason then that its 2008 and dude wears a tucked in polo shirt and backwards hat.  I think I'm going to have fun watching this show just for the ability to judge these guys.

Tonight's premise was to send the guys out on the streets of Hollywood to find two hot chicks to bring to a Frederick's of Hollywood fashion show at Hush.  Its a noble cause obviously.  Not surprisingly, the guys you would last assume would be able to pull chicks are the guys who actually do.  Never sell a guy short for being himself instead of some douchey loser who uses lame pick up lines and takes his shirt off on Hollywood Boulevard (Chris P).

Best line of the night: "To virgins and lesbians, thanks for nothing".  I think that about says it all.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The City - The Premiere

The Jay/Whitney saga: Blah. The harried atmosphere in the back of a fashion show: Meh.

The most fascinating thing about The City is going to be the juxtaposition between Los Angeles and New York society.

In LA, any flat-chested Rocky Mountain bumpkin can fake marry a millionaire and end up on the cover of Maxim. Lauren Conrad's parents, with their flashy Laguna Beach mansion, seem to epitomize Orange County nouveau riche, yet LC is the It Girl of young Hollywood.

But in New York, if you're not a Van der Woodsen, you're never really going to fit in with high society. The folks uptown don't even take Countess LuAnn De Le Sepps seriously, and she's married to a count, for god's sake! Breeding, people. Breeding.

Of course, this is all from the point of view of someone who's only spent a day in NYC (I feel pretty confident about my assessment of Los Angeles, however). To my knowledge, "high society" in Chicago doesn't exist. Like Jay and his downtown friends, we have our fair share of doofus hipsters who drink PBR in Pilsen and wear fedoras in Logan Square. But unlike The City crew, our Greasers don't have routine run-ins with the Socs.

Maybe I should look to other sources for my urban anthropological research than basic cable reality programs. But that sounds like work.

So Olivia Palermo and Blair Waldorf will have to serve as evil Old Money ambassadors. These ladies, with their deb balls and dinner parties and name-dropping, are a much more intimidating lot than their surgically-enhanced counterparts out in SoCal. Good luck to Whitney.

On a lighter note, they were totally playing Don't Be Cruel by Bobby Brown at that club where the fight went down. You could tell how edited the scene was, because the music kept shifting between DBC and My Prerogative. I must find this magical place.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County - 120 in the Shade

Now, I like bonging a beer at a trashy Spring Break destination with my two young kids in tow like any red-blooded American woman. But drunk crying over a tattoo? That just ain't coo. Get it together, and pound that Mike's Hard. Do it for your children. They look up to you.

Maybe this will reveal my lack of with-it-ness, but I don't understand what a tattoo that says "Nugget" means. Like, a gold nugget? A nugget of poop he pulls out of his butt before he has gay sex with his down-low boyfriend? It's got to be the latter, because that would help explain why Tamra got so upset. She's clearly perturbed by the suggestions that her kid is a ragin' 'mo.

I about lost it watching Vicki this week. She is incredibly immature, and that's a lot coming from someone who, as I mentioned in my last post, still sleeps with a blankey. As if pinky-swearing with someone wasn't enough, she refused to talk to Jeana after the whole Frankie incident. To top it all off, she was riding on the boat along the river like she was some kind of celebrity. I'm glad the football hit her in the head right as she was about to orgasm from sheer celebrity whoredom. There really is a god.

Gretchen is a bad fiance, the new housewife is a bad parent, and that Daschund is a bad dog for sitting in the spray tan booth. Those fumes will kill you, Fido.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Hills - The Finale (Or Is It?)

Brent Bolthouse, much like me, realizes that getting married doesn't warrant a "congratulations." That's reserved for when you actually accomplish something, like earning a degree or eating a pound of corn beef hash in one sitting. I'd say that a "best wishes" is better suited for the occasion, but Brent goes with "shut up." Maybe he'd muster up a little more enthusiasm if it wasn't the union of Speidi he was recognizing.

The city of Los Angeles managed to cast the most soulful orator they could find to play the role of judge for this episode. She made a courthouse wedding downright romantic. After tonight, obnoxious marriage-crazed psycho chicks might start opting for a pant suit instead of a white gown. There The Hills goes again, setting trends for a generation.

I've got to take a break from those two dickbuckets to ask an important question: What the hell was with Justin Bobby's overalls with no shirt underneath? Am I in a Dexy's Midnight Runners video?

Oh, and mom? Don't fret over not being involved in your daughter's wedding. There's going to be many more. The one with Drew Peterson will be particularly memorable, after wife number five accidentally drowns in the toilet. He'll be looking for another victim, and Heidi will use her engagement to Mr. Bolingbrook to catapalt herself back into quasi-fame once people stop giving a shit about her and Spencer's divorce.

Whoa, check out Holly Montag rockin' the lower back tat. She didn't seem like the type.

Heidi made quite a poignant speech about life in your twenties during her heart-to-heart with LC. Without semesters of school or seasons of your reality show to break up time, it all blends together. And it goes by incredibly fast. I feel exactly the same as I felt when I was 22. Maybe time will speed up once I stop sleeping with my blankey.

WTG, Lauren, for handling the convo with Heidi maturely. It takes a seasoned drinker to down several glasses of bubby and not freak out at one of reality television's biggest airheads. I wonder if they'll ever be friends again? Sigh.

On the aftershow, it was revealed that this will NOT be the last episode of The Hills this season. It. never. fucking. ends.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County- Another Newbie to Haze

Shocker! Tamra has enough self-awareness to realize that her despicable treatment of Gretchen "Ladies, hold on to your daddies!" Rossi on their limo ride to Beverly Hills (what a thrill!) was wrong. I walked away from this episode with a new found appreciation for Gretchen. She may be a gold digger, or maybe she isn't, but I'm thinking she is the most 'real' woman in this bunch. She is only 30 years old and she owns her own home in Ladera Ranch. That is no small feat in Orange County. She takes care of a man whom she has dated for less than a year, despite not being married to him. It doesn't sound like she actually stands to gain in the event of his death.

She might just be that rare altruistic person who isn't doing something for personal gain. Then there are the rest of the ladies.....

Let's start with new housewife, Lynne. Her obsession for youth apparently equates to a boatload of plastic surgery, and the desire to want to be "friends" with her teenage daughters. Trying to be friends, and not parents, to your children is a horrible mistake. This is especially true if the 'adult' in the situation is a shallow, vain individual. What chance do you give your children of ever being anything other than shallow and vain? Good thing her daughters are trying to prove her wrong by whining about the scope of their birthday party. When I was a kid, we got orange drink, a birthday cake and a visit from Ronald at the local McDonald's. I'm pretty sure that we were poor, though.

Lynne's daughters complaining about her lack of birthday splendor really pails in comparision to Breanna's near breakdown at the prospect of Vicki selling the lake house and getting a yacht. Don't you hate when your parents want to buy and store a yacht 20 minutes from home? Breanna sees the complete disintegration of their family unit if this plan moves forward. She hasn't even seen the conversation about the 'love tank' yet, so this conversation seems a little prophetic. She must be picking up on Donn's misery.

Breanna did hit close to home when discussing her relationship with Donn and her own reservations about relationships due to the lack of a father figure. Apparently, Colby fills up Breanna's 'love tank', but she faces a nagging feeling that there exists the possibility that Colby may abandon her, too. Vicki reminds her that there are no certainties in life, which is an important life lesson. Well played, Vicki. Why couldn't you show the same compassion for Gretchen?

Was I the only one appalled when Vicki was so off put by Tamra and Jeana checking to make sure that Gretchen and Jeff were fine? Did I actually see Vicki simulate the jerk off motion? Someone get this woman a publicist, and fast! Not since a certain bashing of anti-depressant actresses on the "Today" show have I witnessed such a foot in mouth moment. You're talking about someone caring for a sick loved one.......

Before I run out of space, I'll make a few more quick observations:

-Kara really is a Republican. Only a Republican would think they need a gun in Berkeley. As my roommate put it, "what are they going to do? Beat you to death with their Birkenstocks? Choke you with their hemp necklace?"
-Ryan isn't fooling anyone by growing his hair higher. We can all see its thinning, and his hairline is receding. I'm not making fun, just sympathizing....
-Ryan needs to find somewhere else to hang out then Henessey's in Laguna Beach. That place sucks.
-Jeana really does need to cut out the crap and divorce Matt's sorry ass.
-Hearing Kara use the clinical term 'vagina' almost put me off 'vagina' for good.

Next week, we get to see what is more than likely the final trip to Vicki's house in Lake Havasu. Are you hoping for a catfight between Vicki and former tenant/fabulous homosexual Frankie as much as I am?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Hills - Mr. and Mrs. Pratt

I spent the weekend visiting New Orleans for the first time. The French Quarter is old, dignified, and teeming with culture. Until, that is, one encounters Bourbon Street. I enjoyed the $2 Bud Lights in a plastic cup from a souvenir t-shirt shop like any sane person would, but the thoroughfare is undeniably cheap and tawdry. It brings the entire Quarter down a slight notch.

Much like the Speidi union and the institution of marriage. But instead of a slight notch, it's, like... a big notch. It's worse than Trista and Ryan. Darver Conger and Rick Rockwell. Worse, even, than Peter Brady and Adrienne.

In short, this episode grossed me the fuck out. He wants to lock her in a dark dungeon and feed her scraps of pizza crust for the rest of their lives. She'll resist the crust, because, duh, it's fattening and keeping slim is the only way this prize will stick around forever. And the two of them really, really want us to see it as the greatest romance of our time. Hence the "Good morning, Mrs. Pratt/Mr. Pratt" morning-after greeting, and Heidi wearing anything white, ever. Yeah, we all saw the pregnancy scare episode in Season 2. Nice try. Virgin wannabes are almost as pathetic as actual virgins.

Whitney's moving away, Lauren is sad, blah blah blah. LC shouldn't worry too much about it. MTV starts casting for a replacement friend this month, and I'm sure she'll be equally capable of feigning interest in Lauren's life by asking open ended question after open ended question.

Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Laying the Foundation for a Spin-Off
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - It's About Trust
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - You Did This

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Real Houswives of Orange County - Love Tanks

Word on the street is that Donn Gunvalson peaced out on either Vicki or the show. And by "street", I mean the gossip websites I frequent while I should be feeding the homeless or reading Proust.

If this rumor is true, I can't say I blame the guy. Admittedly, my familiarity with the role of husband is limited to my dad, but I'd say Donn is doing a bang-up job. He seems like he has a good sense of humor, he's gainfully employed, he likes his step kids, and most of all, he loves to do shots. And how does Vicki show her appreciation? By humiliating him in public at every opportunity.

Everyone's got their problems, Vick. But most people manage to keep those things on the DL and NOT break down in tears at somebody else's 10-year anniversary dinner.

Tamra and Simon might be all up in each other's business when the cameras are rolling, but we know that things weren't always perfect in Barney Land. Remember all that brouhaha over Ryan living with them? Still, Vicki manages to make everything about her, and how she's dissatisfied with her marriage, and how Donn never touches her in her no-no spot anymore.

Plenty of women would be willing to pounce on a single Donn Gunvalson. Take Jeana, for one. Even if DG is somewhat frigid, I'm sure he's got to be more affectionate than Matt Keough.

I've been waiting to hear about Vicki's "love tank" all season, and I must admit that the wait was worth it!  The wait was worth it because Vicki somehow managed to turn someone else's 10 year celebration of marriage into something about her.  No small feat, but mission accomplished.

I knew that Vicki and Donn tagging along on the Barney's trip to Napa would spell one drunken disaster.  Bravo to Bravo! for giving the viewers what they want, and always placing Vicki at events which will lead to her eventual intoxication and yelling 'woooo!'  The only drawback is that Vicki has now become self-aware of her trademark line.  It is as if Fonzie realized that 'hey!' was popular, so he stared into the camera each time he said it.  I guess that is the problem with all reality programs, though.  When the participants become aware of their celebrity, they stop behaving like themselves and start playing up their persona.

Speaking of playing it up for the camera, how uncomfortable was it when Tamra put on a show for Simon?  Has a guy ever seemed less appreciative of a sexy gesture? 

I suppose this says a lot about me, but in regards to Jeana's 'appetizer' of one slice of pizza, I didn't think it was wrong in terms of diet or social etiquette.  I've only been to Hanna's Restaurant twice, when I worked in Rancho Santa Margarita, but I seem to remember they served some sort of thin sliced, baked french fried things that aren't like traditional french fries.  Screw Kara and her diet tips.  She doesn't like Berkeley, but admittedly she has spent so little time there, how could she.  Who is paying for these weekly flights to LA?  Maybe Mom should put a stop to this if she wants her daughter to enjoy her college experience.  I guess the point is moot, seeing that Kara eventually transfers to UCLA to be with her boyfriend.

I once knew an interior designer who worked in Coto and made a good living redecorating the bedrooms of single women in the neighborhood, who ate and redecorated to forget about their love lives.  Its one hell of a business idea, if you're looking for one.  Jeana's love tank appears to be running on empty, which is a shame, as she seems to be the most genuine of the Orange County housewives.  Certainly, someone must be willing to fill her tank.  My vote is for Donn Gunvalson.

Gretchen's visit to the Indianapolis 500 seemed to be an afterthought this week.  Did we really need a reminder that she is eye candy, too young for her husband, and possibly looking for the affection of other men?  Please tell me she gets a real storyline soon.  Who takes a coach ride in downtown Indianapolis anyway?  If you ask, that must be the single least romantic city, save for El Paso, Texas.

It sounds as if we have seen the last of Lauri for now.  Next week is the introduction of the new housewife, Lynn.  She apparently is a cougar, has an insatiable appetite for men and is obsessed with youth.  Those qualities are so hard to find in Orange County.  Does any of this sound familiar?

Bad Girls Club - Episode 2

This show made me never want to drink again. When that Kiwi chick brought a pierced dude home from a speed-dating session, she cried for what looked like an entire hour. Her complaint was that he didn’t understand that she only talks to guys on the internet, and meeting someone in person was a giant step for her.

It reminds me of my junior year in college, when I drunkenly went off on a grad student who asked me why I don’t wear toenail polish. The episode was beer-tear free, but no stranger needs to hear a rant that lasts longer than five minutes. Ugh. Bad memories.

And the pierced dude didn’t even ask her any douchey questions. He seemed friendly and fun.

However, any sympathy I’d normally feel for a bystander of an alcohol-induced tantrum disappears when I remember that he followed someone who is followed by cameras back to her home. Which is full of cameras.

Were the guys at the speed-dating event really the best that LA has to offer? Yikes.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Rock of Love Charm School - Battle of the Brands

I don't know much about Christian Audigier, except that he's the designer of Ed Hardy and that the lighting scheme in his Vegas club needs to be toned down a bit. Oh, and I also know that Ed Hardy isn't cool anymore, according to my sister who works at an outdoor clothing chain in Chicago. She knows.

So Big French Chris is launching a new brand of shirts that look exactly like Ed Hardy, except they're more "street." I guess that means the fake tattoo drawings are of glocks and boots with the fur rather than angels and guitars. In other words, it's going to be very popular among upper-middle class suburban high school students.

Heather seems to think that her likeness fits the "street" profile, because she designs a shirt for the line that includes a fatty picture of her face. And that's about it. In Columbus, Ohio, a college-educated former stripper is about as ghetto as it gets, so Heather went with what she knows.

Or... she's funky-butt in love with herself. Last week, Lacey accused Heather of considering herself an A-list celebrity, to which Heather replied, "I am an A-list celebrity, BITCH!" This week, Heather claimed that her shirt design was for all of her "fans" and other people who want to keep abreast of her changing moods with a monthly "Expressions of Heather" t-shirt. So, either I'm out of the loop, and there really are people who idolize a raspy-voiced Rock of Love reject, or this chickie's got an inflated sense of self-importance.

I can't blame the girls for hating on Heather this week. You can't have a real or not-real fan club AND expect to win $100,000. That's just greedy. Sharon picked up on this vibe, and sent her back to the pole.

Sayonara, Heather. See you at those A-list celebrity parties, among the likes of Shar Jackson and that dude who won Season 1 of Tila Tequila.

What do you think? Is VH1 keeping Lacey around for ratings? Or did Heather blow it by creating a t-shirt of her face?

Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Charm School - Poetic Justice
Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Charm School - Fugly Dating
Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Charm School - T and A PSA

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County - Hold on to Your Daddies

Now I'm not sayin' she's a gold digger.

But she ain't messin' with no broke 53-year old.

My viewing companions felt uncomfortable with how the older housewives treated Gretchen. They thought the women were "mean" to her at the spa.

Boo frickin' hoo. Do you think nobody in Anna Nicole's circle raised an eyebrow when she took up with Grandpa Moneybags? Do you think Howard K. Stern and that red-haired little lesbian kept every quip about flaccid wieners to themselves during that ill-fated union? They're human beings.

Gretchen can't expect everyone she meets to ignore the ready-to-die elephant in the room. You made your bed, now have terrible old person sex in it.

My viewing companions also used the word "mean" to describe how the other housewives treated Gretchen. They weren't being mean, though, they were just being honest. I'm guessing they would recoil in disgust if the same amount of honesty was ever leveled at them.

A lot of ground was covered in this episode, but it can be summarized in one word: "c*ckring". Or is it that two words? Thanks, Bravo, for bleeping out the word(s). Not that I'm offended by the word, but hearing Tamra say it makes me want to forcibly remove my own genitals. Listening to her complain about every little scratch made to the railings or the floors in her McMansion while Simon moved her exercise equipment was mind-numbing. I have OCD just as much as the next person, but if you are going to complain about someone else moving your equipment, you have two options. Do it yourself or pay someone to do it.

Apparently Simon has a lot of time on his hands because he left his job at Fletcher Jones Mercedes in Newport Beach. Last month, the Orange County Register said their house in Ladera Ranch was for sale. I don't want to speculate, but could the two be related? I guess I just speculated.

I enjoy the pseudo-tension between Vicki and Jeana that resulted from Jeana's 'mismanagement' of Vicki's smaller Coto home. Jeana claims that her business will be fine despite the dramatic real estate downturn in Orange County, where home prices are off 40% since this time last year. Jeana specializes in larger homes, which have taken a far smaller hit. While Jeana's career is surely an important aspect of who she is, why aren't we seeing more of her and her family? I think she has one of the more interesting family dynamics, with the distant husband she is now separated from and three children, each with their own agendas. Colton has fallen off the face of the Earth, as far as we know. He may have been put in Coto jail for abusing his golf cart privileges.

Lauri seems to enjoy living outside the confines of the Coto homeowner's association. "We have our own gates", she mentions, as returns from a horseback ride with George. I mentioned last week that Lauri was dangerously flirting with becoming obsolete on this show, because they are hiding all of the real aspects of her life. This week was no different, although we got to hear all about Ashley's foray into skin care.

My roommate couldn't stop laughing when young, impressionable Ashley said "I like to take care of my own skin" as a reason for getting into the industry. Business plans be damned, the girl washes her face every night! Besides, they really don't teach you about "business plans" or "investing and financing" or "running a company" or "not being stupid" at Saddleback College. Perhaps a little more business school is in order.

Now even young Ashley has the entrepreneurial spirit, what exactly is it that Gretchen does, or does she just care for her husband? We have only seen her in the context of caregiver, stepmom, and whipping post. I was convinced that when the other housewives went to pick her up for their trip to the spa in Beverly Hills, they parked the limo at the far end of the street to give them time to critique and deride, as she strutted her way down the street, smiling and waving at her neighbors. All the talk of Gretchen getting a boob job in one week's time won't make your tits any less saggy. Nor will they make your lives any more interesting. I think these women need a better target. Its not that the gold digger angle isn't valid, it just seems a little played. Tamra asks if she divorced her first husband because he was poor. While it seems to be a horrible question, isn't there some truth in that most divorces occur because of financial difficulties which place a strain on the marriage, and no one wants to be married to someone who can't provide for them, or help them provide for the family. This is true for both men and women. I wouldn't ever enter a marriage knowing that my wife was unable to provide for us if something happened to me. I'm guessing Tamra only asked this question, though, as she had previously been in the position of choosing money over love. Guess which won.

Speaking of love or money, this episode reminded me of why I love Donn Gunvalson. He is fully willing to call Vicki out on her crazy...and there is plenty to go around. I think we all knew that her passive agressive attempt to convince Michael he didn't have to go to Puerto Vallarta would end with her f'n screaming. Her children do seem rather unappreciative of all that life has given them.

I was terrified for Donn when he was having dinner with Vicki at Ti Amo in Laguna Beach. He went where no one should ever go- saying that she should have never married or had children with her first husband. Even if its true, you can't say something like that, as it insults the very nature of Vicki's children. Its way over the line, DG.

All of this discussion of marriage and family, wasn't what tempted me, though. As Vicki rolled her luggage out of the house, I was not so secretly hoping to find a small minivan waiting to take them to the airport. Who isn't dying to see Vicki unload on another shuttle drive for failing to bring a large enough van to handle the Gunvalson bunch?

Previously on The Hills: Real Housewives of Orange County- the Premiere!

The Hills - It's About Trust

More detailed post to come later, but I want to express my confusion with the selected subject matter of this week's episode. Sometimes, on shows like The Bachelor, they'll spend a lot of time covering someone's grandma, because she's usually an interesting character. Either she's crass and swears a lot, or she's really sweet and cuddly. They don't just spend precious screen time on any old lady.

So what the hell was up with Nana? As far as grandmas go, this chick stunk. She wasn't funny, she wasn't particularly nice. She wasn't even uber critical and racist, like somebody's g-ma that I've heard about from a contributor of this site but never met because I'm a dirty, dirty Jew. The fact that the producers would focus on Nana Pratt shows how much this show is hurting for material.

And lemonade with cookies? What happened to milk?

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