Sunday, September 26, 2010

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 7 - "Match Made in Hell"

Kris Jenner takes a break from sculpting her early 90s-style skater cut to listen to the hottest girl group of the moment.

At Kris Jenner's office...

THE POINTER SISTERS - Hi, we're here to meet Kris Jenner.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, you must be Lamar's grandmothers.

THE POINTER SISTERS - That's racist. We're the Pointer Sisters. We're here to audition for her.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, shit. Let me buzz her. **on the intercom** Mrs. Jenner? Some sisters are here to see you... they're old... and I think they said their last name is Pauper, or something...

KRIS JENNER - **on the intercom** I'm shellacking my hair. I'm busy.

THE POINTER SISTER - We won't take no for an answer!

RECEPTIONIST - **on the intercom** They said they won't take no for an answer.

KRIS JENNER - Oh, ok then. Send them in.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Real Housewives of DC, Episode Six - "Perception Gap"

Michaele Salahi poses with her old Redskins cheerleading pals, who have no idea who the frick she is. 
At the Redskins Alumni Cheerleading rehearsal...

HEAD REDSKINS CHEERLEADER - Things have changed, especially with Angela over there who's put on about a buck-fifty, but you all should be proud to have once worn the honored burgundy and gold booty shorts.

MICHAELE SALAHI - Gooooooo Redskins!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Right, skinny tall blond lady. Go Redskins. Remember, you were all once on the most glamorous professional cheerleading squad in the NFL, right behind the Pittsburgh Steeler-ettes and the Buffalo Jills.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Jersey Shore, Episode 10 - "Dirty Pad"

This straw is the only think Angelina will be sucking on Jose's birthday.

In the Smush Room, on Jose's birthday...

JOSE - I've brought someone here to set the mood, mi amor. Te gusta canciones sexuales?

ANGELINA - Wha? Dude, you know I don't speak Mexican.

JOSE - I'm from Cuba.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Episode 3

Kim Kardashian's dog becomes the Lance Armstrong of the pet world, except with zero balls instead of just one.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Chop these balls off, doc.

VETERINARIAN - My suspicions about you have been confirmed. Somebody get "In Touch" magazine on the phone. 

KIM - No, I meant Rocky's balls. He's my boxer. 

VETERINARIAN - Oh. I see you brought your step-father with you.

BRUCE JENNER - Where Kim goes, I go. It's a typical, healthy step-parent/step-child relationship.

VETERINARIAN - Sure. Well, let me grab my rusty paring knife, and I'll get to work.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Real Housewives of DC, Episode 6 - "Securing Homeland"

Lynda's ex-boyfriend Christopher channels Goo Goo Dolls frontman John Rzeznik and goes all emo on her ass.

At the annual Men With Breasts Event...

CAT OMMANNEY - This is going to sound strange, but you remind of me of an ol' chum of mine who just offed himself.

CHRISTOPHER - Oh, um, wow. Nice to meet you, too.

CAT - Just like you, he used to walk. **sniff, sniff** And talk, sometimes.

CHRISTOPHER - Twins, huh?

CAT - Yes. Twins. And you're both men. **bursts into uncontrollable sobbing**

Monday, September 13, 2010

Jersey Shore - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Despite his smart-guy glasses, The Situation finds the concept of words difficult to grasp.

THE SITUATION - Accepting gifts from Jose, then hooking up with Vinny? You're a whore! 

ANGELINA - Um, HELLO?! Wouldn't a whore have sex with the person giving her gifts? 

THE SITUATION  - No, you got it all wrong.  The skanks we take home from the club and kick out? Whores. But the ladies I take to Olive Garden and THEN get to have sex with me? Classy ladies.

PAULY D - Wife those bitches up, forreal.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Botox and Cigarettes

Lesbian activist Bruce Jenner helps his step-daughter customize the perfect plastic surgery solution for her.

KRIS JENNER - Want to walk to the Chevron with me to pick up some smokes?

KIM KARDASHIAN- Can't. The early bird special at Canter's ends at 4 pm, and then my program is on at 7.

KRIS - Shit, bitch. You old. **blows cigarette smoke in Kim's face**

KIM - What?! No, I'm not! I happen to prefer food at discounted prices, and detective dramas on network television.

KRIS - And you sometimes have problems holding in your piss.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 3 - "Foreign Relations"

Gorgeous male specimen Tareq Salahi has some 'splaining to do about his creepy collection of youth soccer shirts.

In the dark, dank basement of Oasis Winery in Virginia's Famous Wine Country...

TAREQ SALAHI - What a fantastic day, huh? Sunshine, Costco grapes, and surface-y conversation, like only Oasis Winery can provide.

STACIE TURNER - Yes, thank you for inviting us down here to Virginia Wine Country, second to Sonoma County in wine tourism.

JASON TURNER - Who told you that?

STACIE - Tareq.

TAREQ - It's true. Howie Mandel once came here for a weekend and compared it to the rolling hills of Tuscany.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Jersey Shore Episode 7 - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Rob Kardashian takes offense to being compared to Angelina.

VINNIE - The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island? More like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island!


ANGELINA - Is that so? At least I don't pretend I'm on the Good-Looking Tree when I'm really sitting in the Ugly Bush, or whatever.


VINNIE - But I forgot to add that I find Rob Kardashian to be a very attractive, sexual person.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part II

Danielle Staub caresses the severed head of hug victim Jacqueline Laurita.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - I'm sorry for everything, Danielle. Especially for calling you a coke whore. You were only selling the coke, and you never actually asked for money from all the strange men you've had sex with.

DANIELLE STAUB - I really appreciate that. And I'm sorry for taking boxing lessons for the sole purpose of killing you. Can I have a hug?

JACQUELINE - Sure, I guess.

DANIELLE - **squeezing Jacqueline really, really tightly** This feels real nice. All curled up in the squishiness of Jacqueline. **several awkward minutes pass**

ANDY COHEN - Aw, how sweet.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Jersey Shore Episode 5 - "Not So Shore"

Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, doppelganger of national treasure Leah Remini, strives to keep shit classy.

 SAMMI - I wish you woulda tooawked to me first, Jenni. The note was a pussy move.

JWOWW - You're right. I shoulda tooawked to you.

SAMMI - I value your friendship.

JWOWW - Me too. And I like your extensions. They're real pretty.

SAMMI - Thanks. Your extensions are real pretty, too.

PAULY D - Wait, what? That's it? No fighting?

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