Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part II

Danielle Staub caresses the severed head of hug victim Jacqueline Laurita.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - I'm sorry for everything, Danielle. Especially for calling you a coke whore. You were only selling the coke, and you never actually asked for money from all the strange men you've had sex with.

DANIELLE STAUB - I really appreciate that. And I'm sorry for taking boxing lessons for the sole purpose of killing you. Can I have a hug?

JACQUELINE - Sure, I guess.

DANIELLE - **squeezing Jacqueline really, really tightly** This feels real nice. All curled up in the squishiness of Jacqueline. **several awkward minutes pass**

ANDY COHEN - Aw, how sweet.

JACQUELINE - Too.... tight... **her face reddens**

ANDY COHEN - I think you're hurting her, Danielle. Can we move on?

DANIELLE - Shut it, Ef Word.   

ANDY COHEN - Please let go. The reunion is only supposed to last eight hours.

JACQUELINE - Heeeelp.... meeeeee....

DANIELLE - Shhhh. My touch is cathartic. Just ask lesbian superstar Lori Michaels.**years pass, but Danielle hugs on. Jacqueline's lifeless corpse rests in her arms**

ANDY COHEN - There. You've hugged her to death. Happy now?

DANIELLE - We're having a moment, Andy.

ANDY COHEN - A moment? It's 2013!

DANIELLE - As Diana Ross said, and then Phil Collins after her, you can't hurry love. You'll just have to wait, Andy Cohen.

ANDY COHEN - But so much time has passed that Kim G. has died from old age, right there on the couch. And Teresa has soiled herself.

TERESA GIUDICE - I can't even hold it for three minutes when I gotta go. You expect me to wait three years?

ANDY COHEN - We'll get a PA to clean that up.

CAROLINE MANZO - Albie has finished law school and passed the bar exam, both of which can only happen once hell freezes over. That's how long this hug is lasting.

DANIELLE - Mmmmm. You guys should really try this. A hug with a decomposed Jacqueline is even better than live Jacqueline.

CAROLINE - It's starting to smell in here.

TERESA - Oh, that's just me.

ANDY COHEN - Look, Jesus is back. Do you see, Danielle? You hugged Jacqueline for so long that the Rapture is here.

JESUS CHRIST - Whaddup, sluts.

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