Thursday, December 30, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 9 - "Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice"

When Matt Siegal said he wanted liquid in his face, this isn't what he had in mind. - photo

PATTI STANGER - I got ten minutes before my lip injection appointment, so quickly tell me what you're looking for in a potential mutual masturbation partner.

MATT SIEGAL - Woody Allen physique.


PATTI STANGER - That was easy. Do you both want an Asian step-daughter-slash-wife attached to his or her hip?


ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Duh squared. **takes a shot of vodka**

PATTI STANGER - Done and done. Here's Jimmy. He's sixteen and still in middle school - he had trouble passing Remedial Science. Keep this one on the DL, because it's, you know, illegal.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 12 - "Not So Fine Print"

A be-wigged Kim Zolciak sans makeup is a vision.

 KIM ZOLCIAK - Does this spa have a fat-busting laser-bed contraption?

KANDI BURRUSS - Of course. This isn't Massage Envy.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  Good. Cause I gotta get my side-boob down to a tasteful size before we go on tour.

NENE LEAKES - You two are going on a tour together? Like, sightseeing, or some shit?

KIM ZOLCIAK - A singing tour, thankyouverymuch.

KANDI BURRUSS -  It wasn't my idea.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  It was mine. I figured I'd ride on the coattails of someone with some talent, and showcase my jiggly bits in the process.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Challenge: The Cutthroat Finale - "Czechmate"

On the Cutthroat finale, Abram dies. - photo

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to your final challenge, which will consists of me following you around on a tricycle and mocking you while you vomit your guts out. Sometimes I'll even honk the horn.


LAUREL - Ok, the first Czech Point says we've got to crawl under barbed wire while young anarchists in trench coats shoot Kalashnikovs at us.

ABRAM - Czech point? Hahahaha! Get it? Like, Check Point, but spelled like Czech Republic? Who comes up with this stuff? It's genius! I mean, I'm as good with puns as the next guy, but - oh shit - **projectile spews out delicious Czech food**

TJ LAVIN - Medic? Anybody? Hello?

SARAH - I think you need to, like, call them.

TJ LAVIN - My T-Mobile MyTouch 3G Slide isn't getting reception out here. Crap.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Cooking and Queening"

Judith Regan finds an interesting loophole in the "no sex on the first date" rule. - photo 

At Caroline's Comedy Club...

PATTI STANGER - What better way to make my millionairesses' coochies juicy than to have everyone here perform a humiliating stand-up routine on a dark, lonely stage?

DESTIN - You mean make your coochie juicy?

PATTI STANGER - Yes. It's a valid form of arousal, according to the Museum of Sex. Chris, since you actually do this for a living, you go first.

CHRIS - Hey, ladies and germs, it's great to be here. I just flew in from Miami, and boy are my arms tired. Ba dum BUM! Airline food, am I right? Ba dum BUM! Tip your waitresses, you've been a great audience.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 11 - "Contract Player"

Hanging out with Anderson Cooper is one of the 17,654 other things NeNe would rather be doing than taking a Strip Mall Tour of metro Atlanta. - photo

NENE LEAKES - Alright, I'm here for our strip mall tour of metro Atlanta. Otherwise known as "Every Episode of RHOA, ever."

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Can you sign this contract before we go anywhere?

NENE LEAKES - What is it? A friend contract or something?

CYNTHIA BAILEY - No, that's absurd. It's a contract that states you'll stop trying to have sex with my fiance.

NENE LEAKES - Eh - I'd rather not sign it without my attorney present.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Here I am! Ready to counsel you with this here baby attached to my breast.

NENE LEAKES - Very professional. Do you advise me to sign?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, do you plan on breaking the terms of the contract?

NENE LEAKES - Hell yeah.

PETER THOMAS - **sticks his head in the scene** Hell yeah.**exits**

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "Charity Cases"

Cedric and Lisa mingle with commoners at the DMV. - photo

CEDRIC - Here we are at the DMV. I guess it's time to face the facts. We're becoming **gulp** Americans.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ugh. There are so many... how do I put this... brown people here. I can't wait to get back to Beverly Hills, where everyone is normal and carries a small dog in their purse.

CEDRIC - Me too. I miss our house.


CEDRIC - Er... I meant, your house. Oh god, please don't kick me out.

KIM RICHARDS - Hey, it's me, Kim Richards, here to take an eye test. I make bad jokes about birthing young children that aren't really mine and buying chicken in bulk.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 9 - "Always a Bridesmaid"

Paula Walnuts is the Caesar to Dunbar's Brutus. Except it's on cable. Which didn't exist back then.

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is push each other into mud. I've got $70 and a Circuit City gift certificate riding on the Grey Team.

DUNBAR - Take it easy, Pete Rose.

BRAD - Yeah. You can proselytize about quitting all you want, but once you start placing bets, Jonathan Murray's gotta intervene.

JONATHAN MURRAY - He's right. Time to go, TJ.

TJ JAVIN - B-b-but what about all the cookie trays I brought to company parties?


TJ LAVIN - And the time I let Sway sleep on my pull-out couch for two weeks?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Divorced From Reality"

Dave even creeps out Destin, a guy who named his child "Sin".

PATTI STANGER - Ok, you guys are going to mingle, and I'm going to give cutting, hurtful criticism to your faces.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

DOUG KEPANIS - Yeah, I agree with Dave! The ear piece idea was so much better.

PATTI STANGER - Listen, Jesse James, Esq., I don't need your opinion on how to run my business. My 2.5% success rate speaks for itself.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah? Right back at you, Larry David. This is Ilene.

ILENE - Hello. I'm a Great Neck nursery school teacher who lives with her parents, has never been on a train, and won't set foot in Grand Central Station even though it's a historic, celebrated Beaux Arts landmark.

PATTI STANGER - Hear that, guys? She's a true New Yorker.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 10 - "Auto-Tuned Up"

Phaedra and Apollo emulate Medieval quartering horses with their infant.

PETER THOMAS – I slave over a 30-minute Rachel Ray fish dish, and this is how you repay me? By talking to your friend on the phone?

CYNTHIA BAILEY –  It’s NeNe. Her husband bought a billboard and posted a transcript of their angry text messages on it.

PETER THOMAS – So? A man’s got a right to air his lady business to the public. When you and I were fighting, I called Andy Rooney so he could rant about it at the end of "60 Minutes".

CYNTHIA BAILEY – But he’s so cantankerous.

PETER THOMAS – Damn right. We see each other bi-yearly at the Cantankerous Old Dude’s Convention in Sioux Falls.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Well, there are times I’d like to talk on the phone while you’re in the room.

PETER THOMAS – Do you know what I could be doing with the 30 minutes it took to make this fish dish? I could be Just for Men-ning my beard!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "My Mansion Is Bigger Than Your Mansion"

Rich people hang out in a big house.

KIM RICHARDS - I'm "digging" you, Mohammed. Isn't that what the kids are saying these days? "Digging"?

MARTIN - It's Martin. My name is Martin.

KIM RICHARDS - **imitates accent** "-'elllo, my name is Martin!" Hahaha! You Australians crack me up. **chugs glass of wine.**

CEDRIC - **snaps picture with his Iphone** You two are so cute together, it makes my nipples stick straight up! To the sky, even!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Cedric, go swim in the Turkish bath by yourself.

CEDRIC - Right-o, boss.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 8 - "Back with a Vengeance"

The only thing that upsets TJ Lavin more than quitting is gratuitous cussing.

In a hilly Czech pasture...

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is to gently place these spherical toys in a wicker basket. Ready, set, PLACE!

SARAH  - I dunno, Teej. Look at my sweet-ass self-administered manicure with black polish. I don't wanna eff it up.

JOHNNY BANANAS - I can relate. This do-rag took a good thirty minutes to secure. Why should we over-exert ourselves?

TORI - Just a plain ol' lack of athleticism on my part. Maybe my husband could do it and I could reap the rewards of his hard work?

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