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| Paula Walnuts is the Caesar to Dunbar's Brutus. Except it's on cable. Which didn't exist back then. |
TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is push each other into mud. I've got $70 and a Circuit City gift certificate riding on the Grey Team.
DUNBAR - Take it easy, Pete Rose.
BRAD - Yeah. You can proselytize about quitting all you want, but once you start placing bets, Jonathan Murray's gotta intervene.
JONATHAN MURRAY - He's right. Time to go, TJ.
TJ JAVIN - B-b-but what about all the cookie trays I brought to company parties?
JONATHAN MURRAY - Sorry, Teej.
TJ LAVIN - And the time I let Sway sleep on my pull-out couch for two weeks?
TYLER - Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
JONATHAN MURRAY - Your dinghy back to the states awaits.
TJ LAVIN - You'll regret this. I'll sue!
JONATHAN MURRAY - That's what Kennedy said. And where is she now?
LUKE - Who?
JONATHAN MURRAY - Before your time.
TJ LAVIN - Well, if I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go out with a bang. Got a few minutes, Brad?
BRAD - Sure, man. I'll meet you behind the mansion with a vat of Astroglide and a dozen roses.
TJ LAVIN - Dreams do come true. **exits**
DERRICK - Phew. He's finally gone.
DUNBAR - Now there are only white people left, like I always wanted.
SARAH - TJ's white.
DUNBAR - I know that. I just wanted to reiterate that there are only white people left, like I always wanted.
JONATHAN MURRAY - We plan it that way. Well, gotta go! **exits**
TORI - So now what do we do? More importantly, what do I do now that my husband is off having sex with a man?
DERRICK - Get drunk and talk trash.
TORI - Cool.
At The Getting Drunk and Talking Trash Session...
BRAD - Your Midwestern accent is so strong it makes Bill Murray sound like Michael York.
LAUREL - People in Chicago South Suburb split-level houses shouldn't throw stones.
DERRICK - I grew up in a split-level, you elitist bitch.
TYLER - Oh, now we're going to get into a good ol' fashioned American condemnation of the elite. Typical. I suppose Mr. Idaho Samurai Hair wants to get in on this, too?
ABRAM - You'd put your hair in a high ponytail, too, if it wasn't all falling out so prematurely.
DERRICK - I'm also losing my hair, you elitist bitch.
SARAH - Just like I figured. He doesn't really know what "elitist" means - he just heard it on "Sarah Palin's Alaska."
JENN - Better than watching "Sarah Rice's San Francisco", which would be a bunch of hipsters at a house party talking about the importance of Trader Joe's reusable bag program.
EMILY - An even better show would be "The Life of a Washed-Up Oakland Raider's Cheerleader." Although who'd ever want to admit that they cheered for a shit city like Oakland?
CARA MARIA - Says the Missouri girl who was raised in a religious cult.
LAUREL - At least she doesn't LOOK like she was raised in a religious cult. You might as well have a David Koresh tattoo on your face. It would probably be less weird than all the crap you currently adorn your body with.
CARA MARIA - At least I have a body. Justin Bieber called. He wants his figure back.
BRAD - Mmmm. Justin Bieber.
TYLER - I knew it. You only married Tori for the benefits it brings you on The Challenge. You're gayer than John Travolta in a Turkish steam room.
TORI - That's not true! He also appreciates the tax breaks and validation of our peers it brings. So suck it.
TYLER - Gladly.
JENN - Hey, has anyone noticed it's getting hot in here?
LUKE - **staring at Tyler's ass** I have.
BRAD - That's not what she meant. It's, like, hot in a Sean Paul temperature way.
PAULA WALNUTS - **cackling** You're all bananas! JOHNNY Bananas, that is! Mwaaaaahahahaha!
DUNBAR - Oh shit! I knew someone was missing from The Getting Drunk and Talking Trash Session! It's Paula Walnuts, and she's started fire to a loose leaf piece of paper I wrote all my hopes and dreams on!
PAULA WALNUTS - That's right, Eggs Benedict.
SARAH - You mean Benedict Arnold.
PAULA WALNUTS - No. Eggs Benedict is a nickname I have for Dunbar. Long story.
ABRAM - So you're setting fire to the mansion because you're losing another challenge?
PAULA WALNUTS - That's right. And Czech law protects anyone who murders American reality show contestants while they're filming on former Eastern Bloc soil.
ABRAM - She's right. I thought about going to law school before I realized competing in MTV challenges was more profitable. Or, at least, it was until now.
PAULA WALNUTS - It's been nice knowing you all. Maybe when we're all in hell you'll throw some more loyalty my way.
**They all burn. Even Paula, who had taken the time to research the murder laws of the Czech Republic. CT and Tina, summoned by MTV, happen upon the gruesome scene**
TINA - Man, what happened here?
CT - Why did MTV bring us to this burnt-out field in the middle of Czechoslovakia?
TINA - It's the Czech Republic now.
CT - How the fuck would I know that? I don't even know how to turn on a computer.
TINA - Well, since we're here, we might as well have sex.
CT - Cool.
The End.
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