Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 9 - "Always a Bridesmaid"

Paula Walnuts is the Caesar to Dunbar's Brutus. Except it's on cable. Which didn't exist back then.

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is push each other into mud. I've got $70 and a Circuit City gift certificate riding on the Grey Team.

DUNBAR - Take it easy, Pete Rose.

BRAD - Yeah. You can proselytize about quitting all you want, but once you start placing bets, Jonathan Murray's gotta intervene.

JONATHAN MURRAY - He's right. Time to go, TJ.

TJ JAVIN - B-b-but what about all the cookie trays I brought to company parties?


TJ LAVIN - And the time I let Sway sleep on my pull-out couch for two weeks?

TYLER - Is that what they're calling it nowadays?

JONATHAN MURRAY - Your dinghy back to the states awaits.

TJ LAVIN - You'll regret this. I'll sue!

JONATHAN MURRAY - That's what Kennedy said. And where is she now?

LUKE - Who?

JONATHAN MURRAY - Before your time.

TJ LAVIN - Well, if I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go out with a bang. Got a few minutes, Brad?

BRAD - Sure, man. I'll meet you behind the mansion with a vat of Astroglide and a dozen roses.

TJ LAVIN - Dreams do come true. **exits**

DERRICK - Phew. He's finally gone.

DUNBAR - Now there are only white people left, like I always wanted.

SARAH - TJ's white.

DUNBAR - I know that. I just wanted to reiterate that there are only white people left, like I always wanted.

JONATHAN MURRAY - We plan it that way. Well, gotta go! **exits**

TORI - So now what do we do? More importantly, what do I do now that my husband is off having sex with a man?

DERRICK - Get drunk and talk trash.

TORI - Cool.

At The Getting Drunk and Talking Trash Session...

BRAD - Your Midwestern accent is so strong it makes Bill Murray sound like Michael York.

LAUREL - People in Chicago South Suburb split-level houses shouldn't throw stones.

DERRICK - I grew up in a split-level, you elitist bitch.

TYLER - Oh, now we're going to get into a good ol' fashioned American condemnation of the elite. Typical. I suppose Mr. Idaho Samurai Hair wants to get in on this, too?

ABRAM - You'd put your hair in a high ponytail, too, if it wasn't all falling out so prematurely.

DERRICK - I'm also losing my hair, you elitist bitch.

SARAH - Just like I figured. He doesn't really know what "elitist" means - he just heard it on "Sarah Palin's Alaska."

JENN - Better than watching "Sarah Rice's San Francisco", which would be a bunch of hipsters at a house party talking about the importance of Trader Joe's reusable bag program.

EMILY - An even better show would be "The Life of a Washed-Up Oakland Raider's Cheerleader." Although who'd ever want to admit that they cheered for a shit city like Oakland?

CARA MARIA - Says the Missouri girl who was raised in a religious cult.

LAUREL - At least she doesn't LOOK like she was raised in a religious cult. You might as well have a David Koresh tattoo on your face. It would probably be less weird than all the crap you currently adorn your body with.

CARA MARIA - At least I have a body. Justin Bieber called. He wants his figure back. 

BRAD - Mmmm. Justin Bieber.

TYLER - I knew it. You only married Tori for the benefits it brings you on The Challenge. You're gayer than John Travolta in a Turkish steam room.

TORI - That's not true! He also appreciates the tax breaks and validation of our peers it brings. So suck it. 

TYLER - Gladly.  

JENN - Hey, has anyone noticed it's getting hot in here?  

LUKE - **staring at Tyler's ass** I have.

BRAD - That's not what she meant. It's, like, hot in a Sean Paul temperature way.

PAULA WALNUTS - **cackling** You're all bananas! JOHNNY Bananas, that is! Mwaaaaahahahaha!

DUNBAR - Oh shit! I knew someone was missing from The Getting Drunk and Talking Trash Session! It's Paula Walnuts, and she's started fire to a loose leaf piece of paper I wrote all my hopes and dreams on!

PAULA WALNUTS - That's right, Eggs Benedict.

SARAH - You mean Benedict Arnold.

PAULA WALNUTS - No. Eggs Benedict is a nickname I have for Dunbar. Long story.

ABRAM - So you're setting fire to the mansion because you're losing another challenge?

PAULA WALNUTS - That's right. And Czech law protects anyone who murders American reality show contestants while they're filming on former Eastern Bloc soil.

ABRAM - She's right. I thought about going to law school before I realized competing in MTV challenges was more profitable. Or, at least, it was until now.

PAULA WALNUTS - It's been nice knowing you all. Maybe when we're all in hell you'll throw some more loyalty my way.

**They all burn. Even Paula, who had taken the time to research the murder laws of the Czech Republic. CT and Tina, summoned by MTV, happen upon the gruesome scene**

TINA - Man, what happened here?

CT - Why did MTV bring us to this burnt-out field in the middle of Czechoslovakia?

TINA - It's the Czech Republic now.

CT - How the fuck would I know that? I don't even know how to turn on a computer.

TINA - Well, since we're here, we might as well have sex.

CT - Cool.

The End.

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