Friday, October 29, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 3 - "Plenty of Baggage"

Camille Grammer likes to dance, and will never let you forget it.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Husbands of my friends, I brought you all here to Zany Putt Putt because, as you know, I'm a guy's girl. 

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Does that mean you prefer befriending chaps over birds, luv? 

CAMILLE GRAMMER -No, it means I want to have sex with all my friends' husbands. 

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Challenge Cutthroat Episode 4 - "Swat the Hell?"

Tyler knows the stats about gay dudes perishing in Nazi Germany.

TJ LAVIN - Since we're in Eastern Europe, MTV wanted to try out a Holocaust theme for this season.

MELINDA -  I love holocausts. First you think you see a flower, and then you angle your head a different way and you see a goblin.

TJ LAVIN - That's a hologram. But it's ok, I didn't know what holocaust meant either.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 2 - "Jersey in the House"

Caroline Manzo will kill a bitch. And chop her remains to delicious bite-sized pieces that go perfectly with Caesar salad.

At Patti's New York office...

PATTI STANGER - I don't know, Caroline. Your sons aren't even really millionaires.

CAROLINE MANZO - That may be true. But we are thick as thieves, and we protect each other 'til the end.

PATTI STANGER - I mean, it's great to see such a close-knit family and all, but -

CAROLINE MANZO - Damn right we're close-knit. Sometimes I go into their rooms at night and rub Vick's on their bare asses. Helps them sleep.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 4 - "Half-baked Boughetto"

"Love Doctor" Tiy-E Muhammad surveyed some friends and decided that all men want Yorkshire Pudding for dinner every other week.

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Hello, beautiful black women! Let's thank the Norcross Courtyard by Marriott for letting "The Loooooove Doctor" set up shop here today.


DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I am "The Loooooove Doctor". And I'm gonna make sure all you single ladies have a ring on it by the end of this WEEK! 


DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - The problem with all y'all is that you just don't know how to treat a man.  Take Sheree Whitfield over here. She needs to get CHECKED. 

Monday, October 25, 2010

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Finale - "The Kardashians Take NYC"

Bruce Jenner escapes Kris Jenner's clutches to explore sensuality and pleasure.

ROB KARDASHIAN -  Bruce, your woman's out of town, the night is young, the moon is full... 

BRUCE JENNER - Gee, I don't know, Rob. I'm not really the clubbing type. 

ROB KARDASHIAN - C'mon. I'll buy you two strawberry daiquiris. 

BRUCE JENNER - Let's fuckin' party.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 2 - "Chocolate Louboutins"

Lisa Vanderpump uses chocolate re-creations of body parts to diffuse tense sibling situations.

 At the Richards Palm Desert Compound...

KIM RICHARDS - Is it time?

KYLE RICHARDS - Time for what?

KIM RICHARDS - My potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - What potatoes?

KIM RICHARDS - Are you kidding me? You don't remember? Kim's Famous Potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - That's the name you came up with?

KIM RICHARDS - Yep. Cute, right?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 3 - "Karma's a Bitch"

This is Chet. That is all.  Image - MTV

 TJ LAVIN - I came out of a coma just to make sure none of you quit. If there's one thing I hate more than permanent brain damage, it's quitting.

BRAD - Can we not talk about permanent brain damage? Bit of a sensitive subject for me.

TJ LAVIN - Fine. Ok, your challenge for today is to sit in the grass.

SHAUVON - What? That's awful. There's weird Czech creatures climbing around in there.

TYLER - What if it leaves a green stain on my shorts?

TJ LAVIN - You didn't let me finish. You'll be sitting in the grass... In leather massage chairs.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 1 - "Welcome to the Big Apple"

Bryce Gruber's "likes" include Vajazzling and spontaneously turning into ice. And that's about it.  image -

PATTI STANGER - Ok, Bryce, before we find your perfect match, let's go over your dislikes. You Manhattan bitches got a lot of those. 

BRYCE GRUBER - Smiles, mid-rise buildings, anyone from Staten Island, even Wu-Tang Clan, men, flavored water, loud birds, rare books, diners, Indian people, harmonicas, women with curly hair - 

PATTI STANGER - Amen to that one. 

BRYCE GRUBER -  I'm not done. Sing-a-longs, when people say "satchels", jump ropes, sex, Danny Aiello, hybrids, wine, photographs, revolving doors... Um... 

PATTI STANGER - Is that it? 

BRYCE GRUBER - And jorts. That's about it. 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 2 - "White Hot"

Sheree Whitfield allows her grown daughter to come out of hiding after keeping her in an underground bunker in Valdosta for 23 years.

In the yard of Sheree's daughter's new house...

TIERRA - You finally decided to let me be on the show!

SHEREE WHITFIELD - I've kept you a secret long enough.

TIERRA - You shouldn't be embarrassed that you were a teen mom.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - That's not it... I kept you a secret because your name is Spanish for "dirt".

Friday, October 15, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 1 - "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Wealthiness"

Kim Richards hasn't changed a bit since her days as a Disney Kid. Not one bit.

KIM RICHARDS - Kyle, you gotta take me to Sackymendo with you and your friends!

KYLE RICHARDS - It's Sacramento, Kimmy.

KIM RICHARDS - Saca... Sacra... mento! 

KYLE RICHARDS - Good girl. Sweetie, I'd rather not take you on such a long trip. You get so cranky if you spend too much time away from your binky. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat, Episode 2 - "Newbie Doobie Doo"

Abram's not the only Cutthroat cast member to have the lofty privilege of stuffing his hand down Cara Maria's pants.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 2 - "Model Behavior"

Ex-"supermodel" and Ex-fiancée Cynthia Bailey is boring as shit.

At Atlanta's Uptown Supper Club...

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Bravo's forcing me to come over and talk to you, weird red-haired person. I'm Cynthia Bailey, former supermodel and ex-fiancée three time over. And you are... ?

KANDI BURRUSS - Kandi Burruss.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Ah. You must have never been a supermodel or a fiancée, or I would have heard of you. I'm pretty active in the modeling and fiancée industries.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Keeping up with the Kardashians - Kris "The Cougar" Jenner

Kris Jenner's unique style has gay personal trainers from West Hollywood to Laguna making mental nostalgia porn.

Outside the Jenner residence, Storm the Personal Trainer stretches out Kris...

STORM - Ok, baby, stretch those legs over your head... Wowweee.


STORM - You can do it, sweet stuff. **runs his hands along Kris's nether regions**  Huh. You're not packing much in these biker shorts, eh?

KRIS JENNER - Excuse me. Only my husband Bruce Jenner can touch me there.

STORM - Husband?

Friday, October 8, 2010

Real Housewives of DC Finale - "Nation Building

Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Miss.). calls Tareq and Michaele Salahi out on their stupid white privilege, demands that they be sent straight to Hades.

Outside the White House...

MICHAELE SALAHI - Hi, gorgeous! We're here for the state dinner! Mwah! 

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY - Who are you, exactly? And what's your relationship with President Obama? 

TAREQ SALAHI  - Well, I used to be the general manager of a winery that Craig Robinson, Michelle's brother, drove by once on his way to Richmond. 

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY - That's a pretty shaky connection, Tubby.

MICHAELE SALAHI - But look at us... We're white. And middle aged. And dressed in expensive brands. 

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY - GP. Good point. You may proceed. Give Joe Biden a pat on the chest for me.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat - Episode 1

Abram returns to MTV with a new p**sy-magnet look, and plans to become the next Roald Dahl.

 T.J LAVIN - Hey, everybody, its me, American BMX rider T.J. Lavin, fresh from some radical reconstructive surgery and ready to get more involved in the show's drama than any host should ever be. Let's introduce ourselves, shall we?

DUNBAR - "Shall we"? What a frickin' pansy.

T.J LAVIN - Good to see that Dunbar's still dealing with intense anger issues. I'm disappointed in you, bro.

DUNBAR - Anger? Who's angry? I'm a southern belle, but the dude version (throws a rock at Paula's head).

Monday, October 4, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 1 - "New Attitude"

Real important attorney Phaedra Parks has represented some of the most powerful people in Atlanta, including Whitney Houston's ex-husband, Bobby Something-Or-Other.

At the B Chic shoe event...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Shoe shopping with broke-ass bitches is great, but you know what I'd rather be doing, gay friend?

DWIGHT EUBANKS - What's that, lawyer friend?

PHAEDRA - Pop-lockin' with President Bill Clinton.

DWIGHT - Mmmm Hmmm.

PHAEDRA - Or lickin' on Ludacris.

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