Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 1 - "Welcome to the Big Apple"

Bryce Gruber's "likes" include Vajazzling and spontaneously turning into ice. And that's about it.  image -

PATTI STANGER - Ok, Bryce, before we find your perfect match, let's go over your dislikes. You Manhattan bitches got a lot of those. 

BRYCE GRUBER - Smiles, mid-rise buildings, anyone from Staten Island, even Wu-Tang Clan, men, flavored water, loud birds, rare books, diners, Indian people, harmonicas, women with curly hair - 

PATTI STANGER - Amen to that one. 

BRYCE GRUBER -  I'm not done. Sing-a-longs, when people say "satchels", jump ropes, sex, Danny Aiello, hybrids, wine, photographs, revolving doors... Um... 

PATTI STANGER - Is that it? 

BRYCE GRUBER - And jorts. That's about it. 

PATTI STANGER - Wow. Alright. So what are your "likes"? 

BRYCE GRUBER - I don't really have any of those. 

PATTI STANGER - C'mon, everybody likes something. Even Destin over there. 

DESTIN - I like Geddy Lee, lead singer of Rush. He sounds like a lady. 

PATTI STANGER - See? Now it's your turn. 

BRYCE GRUBER - Um... I like matzo balls. 


BRYCE GRUBER - But only the kind my bubbie makes. 

PATTI STANGER - Bubbie balls. Ok, we can do with Bubbie balls. Keith here loves bubbie balls. 

KEITH - It's true. I do. I also like libraries, children, the quadratic equation, boats, and Geddy Lee, the lead singer of Rush. 

DESTIN - High five, my man! 

PATTI STANGER - Alright, let's get you two on a date! No smushing right out the gate. Hehe. That rhymes. 

BRYCE GRUBER - I'm sure that won't be a problem. 

KEITH - Well, Bryce, here we are at the Roosevelt Island Tramway. I thought it might be romantic, cuz it's where a buncha people almost died in Spider-Man. 

PATTI STANGER - Great choice. Dangerous, yet inexpensive. 

KEITH -  Uh, are you gonna be here the whole time? 

PATTI STANGER - You betcha. 

KEITH - So... Tell me a bit about yourself. 

BRYCE GRUBER - I like matzo balls. 

KEITH - Oh, me too. Especially the really heavy kind that sink right to the bottom of your soup. Reminds me of my toilet bowl after Shake Shack. 

PATTI STANGER - Hahaha! You are a keeper, Keith! 


KEITH - Sorry. It was just a little joke. 

BRYCE GRUBER - Oh shit. It's happening. 

KEITH - You just ate Shake Shack, too? 

BRYCE GRUBER - No, it's my curse. And not the feminine kind. Oh god. 

KEITH - What's wrong? Will wine help? 


KEITH - Sweet. More for me then. **gulps down the entire glass**  

PATTI STANGER -  Bryce, why are you shaking? 

KEITH -  I think she's turning to ice! 

BRYCE GRUBER -  Guernal. Hmmmph. 

PATTI STANGER - She can't talk! Her mouth is frozen shut! 

KEITH -  Quite a departure from her usual cheery and talkative self. 

PATTI STANGER - Wait... Keith, do you see what I see? 

KEITH - I don't believe it. She's turned into frozen Ted Williams! 

PATTI STANGER - This really ups her dateability. Guys would kill for a girl who turns into frozen Ted Williams. 

KEITH - I'd prefer a lukewarm Derek Jeter, but whatevs. She's definitely a lot more attractive to me now. Hey Bryce, want to take paddle boats out on the East River? 

BRYCE GRUBER**silence. because she's, you know, frozen**  

KEITH - I'll take that as a yes! 

PATTI STANGER - Another great match made by Patti Stanger. I'm gonna go call Andy. 

KEITH - Ted, would you like a shoulder rub? 

PATTI STANGER - **pretends to talk on her cell, but no one is actually on the line.** Oh, baby. I miss you, too.

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