Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 3 - "Karma's a Bitch"

This is Chet. That is all.  Image - MTV

 TJ LAVIN - I came out of a coma just to make sure none of you quit. If there's one thing I hate more than permanent brain damage, it's quitting.

BRAD - Can we not talk about permanent brain damage? Bit of a sensitive subject for me.

TJ LAVIN - Fine. Ok, your challenge for today is to sit in the grass.

SHAUVON - What? That's awful. There's weird Czech creatures climbing around in there.

TYLER - What if it leaves a green stain on my shorts?

TJ LAVIN - You didn't let me finish. You'll be sitting in the grass... In leather massage chairs.

BIG EASY - Fuck yeah!

TJ LAVIN - But you'll have to make polite conversation. In the daylight. Sober.

JOHNNY BANANAS - This is hell. My own personal hell.

TJ LAVIN - Ready, set, socialize!

PAULA - My, Bananas, you are slightly less awful in this pleasant setting. The sun reflects on your greasy coif so beautifully.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Thank you, Paula. Your breasts aren't nearly as deformed and grotesque as I previously thought.

LAUREL - Speaking of hair, Big Easy, your 'do reminds me of Timothy Busfield's pubes. And have I mentioned what a huge Timothy Busfield fan I am?

BIG EASY - Why, no. But thank you. I've always thought you look like a nine-year-old boy, and I really love nine-year-old boys. Shit, that came out wrong.

KATIE - Ty, I'm sorry for saying you like to hit girls. You only threaten to hit them, and then give light "love taps."

TY - Indeed. Emily here has begun to appreciate my "love taps" during vigorous sessions of coitus.

EMILEE - I have?

TY - No, the other Emily. But you are also welcome to engage in vigorous sessions of coitus with me.

EMILEE - I'd love to, but making out with Paula for two straight hours has expended all my energy. She's quite the tigress.

PAULA - Oh, you're too kind. Grrrrr. Shauvon, you're next. **winks**

SHAUVON - I am curious to see if the extension of our breasts will make lip-touching difficult.

VINNY - I gotta say, as politely as pahsible, of cohse,  this tahk is getting me excited like pahkin the cah in Hahvid Yahd.

CHET - Oh, I'll help you with that. **reaches for Vinny's groin**

VINNY - Don't fahcking touch me, purple man.

TJ LAVIN - Vinny, you're out for breaking the circle of politeness.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Katie, your black eye is very fetching. I only wish I could have been the one to give it to you.

KATIE - Is that so? I wish those Czech gentleman had pounded the living daylights out of you. But only because I think lessons are important, and you could truly benefit from a lesson of that nature. 

SHAUVON - I'm out. All this polite talk is fucking scary. I didn't sign up for this.

TJ LAVIN - Really? Quitting? You know how I feel about quitting.

SHAUVON -  Well, you're a shitty host. You should take a lesson from Jeff Probst and "quit" editorializing.

TJ LAVIN - Don't know what that means, but I'm still disappointed in you.

LUKE - Chet, I love your penis.

DERRICK - Did anybody hear that? Anybody? Luke's taking this politeness thing way too far.

TJ LAVIN - No such thing, Derrick.

AIIIYA - Sarah, I find your desperate attempts to stand out in a crowd courageous and inspiring. Your tattoos are very "artistic."

SARAH - Thank you. I just wish the cuts in my body had been self-inflicted, like yours. So heart-felt and emo.

TJ LAVIN - Good news... You guys made it to the end without fighting! That means mad dollars in your Chili's bank accounts! Let me just root around in my purse here for those Chicken Crispers gift certificates for you.. **bends over into his purse**

While TJ Lavin searches for the Chicken Crispers gift certificates, the entire cast gives in to their pent up anger and slays each other with their bare hands. When TJ emerges with the certificates, everyone is dead.

TJ LAVIN - Fuck. This kind of stuff is only supposed to happen on VH1 reality shows.

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