Friday, October 22, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 2 - "Chocolate Louboutins"

Lisa Vanderpump uses chocolate re-creations of body parts to diffuse tense sibling situations.

 At the Richards Palm Desert Compound...

KIM RICHARDS - Is it time?

KYLE RICHARDS - Time for what?

KIM RICHARDS - My potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - What potatoes?

KIM RICHARDS - Are you kidding me? You don't remember? Kim's Famous Potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - That's the name you came up with?

KIM RICHARDS - Yep. Cute, right?

KYLE RICHARDS - Uh, I guess.

KIM RICHARDS - What, you don't like it?

KYLE RICHARDS - I like it fine.

KIM RICHARDS - It's not up to the Kyle Richards standard?

KYLE RICHARDS - I said it's fine.

KIM RICHARDS - They're made by Kim, they're famous, and they're potatoes. It's genius.

KYLE RICHARDS -  Genius? I wouldn't go that far.

KIM RICHARDS - Seriously, bitch? You strut around with your long, lustrous hair, eating organic Cheerios, hanging out with your kids who don't want to move to a humid swamp of a city like Houston, and you don't have my back?

KYLE RICHARDS - Kim, please calm down. It's Easter.

KIM RICHARDS - Don't you remember what Mom said on her deathbed? Are you going to defy our dead mother?

LISA VANDERPUMP - Hey, it's me, Lisa Vanderpump. I brought over this giant chocolate penis for the kids -


LISA VANDERPUMP - Fine, but I'm taking the giant chocolate penis with me. ** bites off the head.** Mmmm.  That is a damn good giant chocolate penis. **exits**

KIM RICHARDS - You know what, Kyle? I should dump this entire jar of salza on your head.

KYLE RICHARDS - It's pronounced "salsa."

KIM RICHARDS - Oh, you speak Mexican now, smart ass?

KYLE RICHARDS - It's Spanish, not Mexican.

KIM RICHARDS - I'll say salza however the hell I want!  I WAS IN ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN!!!!!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Hey, it's me, Camille Grammer. I'm just stopping by to mention that I have 17 houses and discovered Patricia Arquette.


CAMILLE GRAMMER - Fine. If I wanted to be yelled at I'd hang around Kelsey. At least it's a precursor to our lovemaking. Very passionate. Peace out, as the kids are saying these days. **does a series of body rolls, exits**

KIM RICHARDS - You listen here, fat Demi Moore. I'm going to dump this salza on your head, have my son Chadd fart in your face, and then NOT let you have any of Kim's Famous Potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - Can you stop calling them that? Nobody gives a fuck about your stupid potatoes.

KIM RICHARDS -That's it. That's fucking it. **Kim attacks Kyle and they roll around on the ground.**  

HUSBAND OF KYLE RICHARDS - **eating an apple** Salza wrestling? Hot.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Hey, it's me, Taylor Armstrong. I brought over Brody Jenners' mom so we can address the issue of starvation in Africa.

LINDA THOMPSON - Everyone in Africa is very hungry. PS - I used to date Elvis and reproduced with 68-year-old lesbian activist Bruce Jenner. FYI. For the record. Just so you know.

KIM RICHARDS - **still struggling on the floor with Kyle** GET OUT!

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Fine, but I'm talking these weird potatoes with me and giving them to the only people who'd want them - the entire starving continent of Africa.

KYLE RICHARDS - You might be skinnier than me - **drowns her sister in salsa until she can't breathe** - howEVer, I'm a hell of a lot better at this whole life thing. 

KIM RICHARDS - **salza bubbling out of her throat** My - taters... my - famous - taters... **passes out**

ADRIENNE MALOOF - **enters carrying a cabana boy like a baby, surveys the destroyed kitchen** Damn. This scene is grislier than the gauze pad after my second facelift. 

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