Monday, February 28, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 9

On Chantal's date...

BRAD WOMACK - Wanna fuck on a piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife?

CHANTAL O. - Man. I should've been around for Mesnick's season. At least his fantasy dates included walls.

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison would be very upset to hear you say that. He planned this.

CHANTAL - Really? I didn't realize he actually did stuff.

BRAD WOMACK - He doesn't. We just put his name on the card to make him feel included.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Down and Out in New York City"

KIM KARDASHIAN - Shhhh! Did you hear that?

SHENGO - Sounds like a wallaby shagging an unwilling koala.

KIM KARDASHIAN - YES! That's exactly what it sounds like!

SHENGO - If there's one thing that sparks my auditory recognition,  it's Australian animal rape.

KIM KARDASHIAN - You are an amazing human being.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Jersey Shore - "Kissing Cousins"

SNOOKI - Cabbie? I'm frightened. I haven't seen a strip mall or a Buffalo Wild Wings for twenty minutes. 

DEENA - We're not going to the city, are we? I don't think I can handle another night in Newark. 

CABBIE - That's what you people consider "the city"? Silly guidettes. We're going to New York. 


CABBIE - Pace Picante commercial impressions? So 1997. Grow up.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 1 - "Paradise Cost"

Cristy Rice is about two things - being an ex-wife to former NBA player Glen Rice, and wearin' lots of bracelets.

LEA BLACK - Welcome to my airplane hangar. I'd like to treat you all to a lavish meal of lettuce and some other green vegetable.


LARSA PIPPEN - Look at Career Girl over here, spouting off about vegetables.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Oooh, somebody a little jealous?

LARSA PIPPEN - Jealous? Cleveland fans chant my husband's name at Lebron James to let him know he's second best. I don't get jealous.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 9 - Hometown Dates

Mr. Ashley H. will cut a bitch if he fucks with his daughter's dental dreams.

In Seattle...

CHANTAL'S DAD - Hi, Brad. In case you couldn't tell from my massive house and hot wife, I'm rich. Here's a statue that suggests I'm a self-made man. You see, here in the United States, it's difficult for a white man to make something of himself.

BRAD WOMACK - Tell me about it.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Ok. Back in 1987, an eccentric Toyota baron took a chance on a mason's son with a crewcut. And that mason's son with a crewcut... was me.

CHANTAL'S MOM - **enters the room naked** Hi, I'm Chantal's mom. But just for fun, pretend I'm not.


CHANTAL O. - Really, mom? Again?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Diva Las Vegas"

Kim's ass turns 30.

SCOTT DISICK - I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be in Vegas...

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Why? We're just going to have dinner, take in some George Wallace, do keg stands, watch strippers do Ass-to-Ass, set fire to our room, and kill a toddler.

SCOTT DISICK - I can probably handle that.

KRIS JENNER - Promise you won't stuff a hundred dollar bill down a waiter's throat?

SCOTT DISICK - Promise. I don't carry hundreds anymore.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Jersey Shore Episode 21 - "The Great Depression"

Are they still a Greek Chorus if they're Italian?

DEENA - My bowels have hardened.

PAULY D - Assume a Jersey Turnpike stance. That ought to sufficiently loosen your stool.

DEENA - I've grown tired of "face down, ass up." It puts a strain on my glutes. And I've also grown tired of all of you.

THE SITUATION - Frankly, right now you're being a bit of a Slopopotamus.  Or whatever.

DEENA - What an awful thing to say, Michael. Just awful.

RONNIE - Ignore him. Come sit with me on the veranda and watch me drunk-grill.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 7

Britt is smart, and Brad does not like that.

BRAD WOMACK - Soooooo.... remember when I sent Alli home last week because she has little boobs and is boring?

BRITT - Sort of...

BRAD WOMACK  - Yeah. That.

BRITT - So you're sending me home because I have little boobs and I'm boring? I'm a food writer! What could possibly be more interesting than that?

BRAD WOMACK - Big boobs.

BRITT - I see. Well, I guess I'll just swim back to the yacht...

BRAD WOMACK  - Sorry, the yacht's reserved for me and that gummy old woman Shawntel and I met at the market.

BRITT - How am I supposed to get home?

BRAD WOMACK - Dunno. Peace. **swims back to the yacht**

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 3 - "Sexy in the City"

Kim + Shengo = kangaroo babies.

SHENGO - G'day, mate.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Oh, Shengo. You know I don't speak Portuguese.

SHENGO - Sorry. Hello, friend.

KIM KARDASHIAN - So much better. What's the plan for today?

SHENGO - Well, since I'm your bodyguard, I figured you'd make the plans and I'd follow you around to make sure no one kills you. Because that's what bodyguards do.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Hmmmm. What if we had sex in front of cameras instead?

SHENGO - Do I still get paid?


SHENGO - Ok, then. **they start to do it**

SCOTT DISICK - **drives through the bedroom door in his new Phantom** Hey, I'm here with my boss Keith Frankel and his weird friend Gooch.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Jersey Shore Episode 20 - "Cabs are Here"

"The Ballad of Sam & Ron" comes to a close.

SAMMI - My bifocals. I can't believe you shattered my bifocals.

RONNIE - That's right. I destroyed those, and your reading light.

SAMMI -  I'll never be able to finish Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies without my bifocals and reading light. **burps loudly** BRAAAAAAAP.

RONNIE  - Not only did I intend to destroy your property, but I also planned to end your quest for knowledge. **rips Sammi's copy of Foucault's Discipline and Punish in half.**

SAMMI - Noooooo! Now I'll never know the secret of the Panopticon!!!!

THE SITUATION - Did somebody say "Panopticon"?  **sees torn-up book **. What!? Who would do such a thing?

RONNIE - I did it. And I ought to shred your Wagner poster, too. Not only because you broke "bro code", but also because he's kind of an anti-Semite. C'mon, dude.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Lost Footage

A medium looks at a picture of Kim Richards and a murdered dude.

At the Tony's reception...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Finally. Here we are. You, me, and the Tonys. Time to rekindle that spark we had before I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Hey, is that Rhea Perlman? I haven't seen her since Carla slipped on some peanut shells and broke her hip on Cheers. Rhe! Over here!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - That's not Rhea Perlman. That's a midget with a perm.


CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why don't we just talk? About... Us? 

KELSEY GRAMMER - Talk? Hmmm. I guess we can give it a try.

CAMILLE GRAMMER -  I miss you.



KELSEY GRAMMER - Ok, talk over! Hey, is that Bebe Neuwirth? Lillith! It's me, Frasier!

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 6

Chantal O. is actually kind of an asshole.

CHANTAL - We're in agreement about how much we hate Michelle, right?

SHAWNTEL - Of course, just like we're in agreement about everything. We have the same name, so we're, like, the same person.

CHANTAL - Don't ever compare yourself to me again, Claire Fisher.

SHAWNTEL - Is that a Six Feet Under reference? Cuz Claire didn't even work at the funeral home. She just lived there. She was an artist.

CHANTAL - Fuck off.

SHAWNTEL - I'm sorry. Please don't hate me, Alpha Female.

CHANTAL - Whatever. When that sun-damaged ho' Michelle shows up, I'm really going to give her the third degree about "giving Brad grief."

JACKIE - Who does she think she is, giving Brad grief?

BRIT - Giving Brad grief is really an awful thing.

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