Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Lost Footage

A medium looks at a picture of Kim Richards and a murdered dude.  bravotv.com

At the Tony's reception...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Finally. Here we are. You, me, and the Tonys. Time to rekindle that spark we had before I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Hey, is that Rhea Perlman? I haven't seen her since Carla slipped on some peanut shells and broke her hip on Cheers. Rhe! Over here!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - That's not Rhea Perlman. That's a midget with a perm.


CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why don't we just talk? About... Us? 

KELSEY GRAMMER - Talk? Hmmm. I guess we can give it a try.

CAMILLE GRAMMER -  I miss you.



KELSEY GRAMMER - Ok, talk over! Hey, is that Bebe Neuwirth? Lillith! It's me, Frasier!

CAMILLE GRAMMER  - No. It's just Salma Hayek on a bad day.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Shit. She's much too famous to pretend I know.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Perfect! We can go back to our very important conversation.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Whoa! They're serving roast beef at the carving station! Gotta go.


KELSEY GRAMMER - This could take a few hours. You know how I love beef, carved meticulously. Why don't you find a ride home?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - But I don't even know anyone here -


At the Medium's "office". Not Allison DuBois. 

KIM RICHARDS - I dunno, Kyle. It sounds like a scam to me.  

KYLE RICHARDS - Oh, whatever. You even think Vitamin Water is a scam. She's the best Medium in town.  

KIM RICHARDS - Better than Miss Cleo? 

KYLE RICHARDS - No. That's sacrilege, Kim.

MEDIUM/CLAIRVOYANT - Hello, Kim. Just by looking at you, I can tell you knew someone named John.


MEDIUM - **under her breath** Of course, everyone knows somebody named John.

KIM RICHARDS - What did you say?

MEDIUM - Huh? Nothing. Do you have a picture of this fellow?

KIM RICHARDS - Yes, I carry it with me at all times. In my underpants.

MEDIUM - Why don't you just hold it up for me then? I'd rather not touch it.

KIM RICHARDS - Here's me and John having sex on the beach. The one with the power plant.

MEDIUM - Ok, he's coming to me now. Did John have brown hair?

KYLE RICHARDS - Yes! Yes he did!

MEDIUM - Did he have white teeth?

KYLE RICHARDS - Yes! The very teeth they used to identify him after he was found in a dumpster!

MEDIUM - How about shoulders that are slightly rounded?

KYLE RICHARDS - You're amazing!

MEDIUM - He's here with us, Kim, and he says he misses that thing you used to do to him on the beach.

KIM RICHARDS - But you can tell all of those things just from looking at the picture. I don't see how that makes you a medium.

KYLE RICHARDS - Kim, she's a professional. How dare you doubt her. She's even told Kris Jenner her fortune!

KIM RICHARDS - Sorry, sis. Not buying it. But I love you.

KYLE RICHARDS - Drink yourself to death, you sad sack.

At the White Party... 

KYLE - What are you doing whispering in my husband's ear, Drunk Tall Blond Lady?

DRUNK TALL BLOND LADY - I'm telling him what I'm going to do to him later. What the hell else do people whisper in hot dudes' ears?

MAURICIO UMANSKY - She's right. And I gotta say, Kyle, it's a step up from the stuff you usually do.

KYLE RICHARDS - Oh yeah? Will she reenact the twin-bed lesbian sex scene from the hit film Monster, dressed up as Aileen Wuornos, while pretending you're the Christina Ricci character?

DRUNK TALL BLOND LADY - Duh. Who wouldn't?

KYLE RICHARDS - Crap. Well, will she cover you from head to toe with hollandaise stolen from Villa Blanca, and then watch you writhe on a plastic tarp for hours?

DRUNK TALL BLONDE LADY - This is America, isn't it?

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ew. I heard that. Next time, pay for the hollandaise.

KYLE RICHARDS - I'm so sorry. It was just once. Well, Mauricio, will DTBL here put one of those giant foam fingers in your ass during intercourse? A Dodgers one?

MAURICIO UMANSKY  - Who are you kidding? You've never done that. You hate the Dodgers.

KYLE RICHARDS - Shhhhh! You're ruining the banter. Well, do you?


KYLE - Damn. She's good. Have fun, you two.

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