Monday, February 7, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 6

Chantal O. is actually kind of an asshole.

CHANTAL - We're in agreement about how much we hate Michelle, right?

SHAWNTEL - Of course, just like we're in agreement about everything. We have the same name, so we're, like, the same person.

CHANTAL - Don't ever compare yourself to me again, Claire Fisher.

SHAWNTEL - Is that a Six Feet Under reference? Cuz Claire didn't even work at the funeral home. She just lived there. She was an artist.

CHANTAL - Fuck off.

SHAWNTEL - I'm sorry. Please don't hate me, Alpha Female.

CHANTAL - Whatever. When that sun-damaged ho' Michelle shows up, I'm really going to give her the third degree about "giving Brad grief."

JACKIE - Who does she think she is, giving Brad grief?

BRIT - Giving Brad grief is really an awful thing.

CHANTAL - Just you wait. I'm gonna ask her all these questions, and she's gonna get so flustered, and it's gonna be amazing.

MICHELLE MONEY - Hey, I'm back from my visit to Brad's fake house, which started with a steamy dry-hump session and ending with me giving him some serious grief about not giving out a rose on the group date.

CHANTAL - Crap. The Closer-style interrogation I had planned is no longer necessary.

MICHELLE - Sucks to be you. You know why else it sucks to be you?

SHAWNTEL - Because she works at a car dealership?

MICHELLE - Well, yeah. But because she told Brad she loved him and he didn't say it back.

CHANTAL - How do you know about that?!?

MICHELLE - I was hiding in the bushes. What can I say? It's what I do.

ASHLEY H - There's nothing worse than non-reciprocal love. Except when you're trying to pull out a chunk of week-old foie gras from someone's molars. Trust.

BRAD WOMACK - Hey, it's me, Brad Womack, back from dumping Alli's ass in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle.

ASHLEY H - Because she's named after a diet drug that makes you shit yourself?

BRAD WOMACK - I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. But, what's worse, she kept, like, asking questions about me and stuff.

MICHELLE - But I asked you if you preferred Starbucks over The Coffee Bean, and you didn't seem to mind.

BRAD WOMACK - Yeah, but when you asked, you were also rubbing my penis with your foot. Big difference.

MICHELLE - What can I say? It's what I do.

EMILY - Brad? Can I steal you for a moment?

BRAD WOMACK - You may, oh Virgin Goddess of Purity and Piety.

EMILY - You know that I have a kid, right? That I got from fucking a race car driver? So... I am not any of those things.

BRAD WOMACK - Just let me relish in my illusions, ok?

EMILY  - I prefer mine with onions and mustard.


EMILY - Nevermind.

BRAD WOMACK - Was that a joke? Because I don't like it when pretty girls make jokes. 

EMILY - Sorry. Just please try to forget what I said about being a saboteur of good relationships. That was actually, um... Jackie that said that.

BRAD WOMACK - Jackie said that? That she sabotages good relationships?

EMILY - Uh, yes. Jackie said that.

JACKIE - I heard my name.

BRAD WOMACK - From all the way on the patio?

JACKIE - I was hiding in the bushes. Trying out Michelle's way of doing things.

BRAD WOMACK - So I hear you sabotage relationships .

JACKIE - That's not true! If you're talking about the packages of toenail clippings that I mail to the maternal grandmother of every man I date, it's just to imprint part of my DNA on the Womb Master. Nothing out of the ordinary. Who told you I'm trying to sabotage relationships?

BRAD WOMACK - Nobody. Anyway, time for you to hitch a ride back to NYC.

JACKIE - But that's a full week's drive.


JACKIE - May whoever started that rumor have her race car driver fiance killed in a car crash!

EMILY - I had that coming. A-buh-bye.

BRAD WOMACK - Can I just stare at you and imagine that you've never been tainted by another man's wiener?

EMILY - Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

The End.

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