Monday, January 31, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 4

Shawntel sees dead people.

MICHELLE - I'm going to do to you what I did to Carlos Boozer.

BRAD WOMACK - Publicly humiliate me in a two-page spread in Life & Style magazine?

MICHELLE - No. I just meant have sex with you a lot.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh. Sounds good, then.

CHANTAL O. - Not so fast.

BRAD WOMACK - Can I help you? I'm about to have crazy-lady sex here.

CHANTAL - I'm crying. Remember when you said you'd help out any crying woman? Or was that just for St. Emily?

BRAD WOMACK - I meant I'd help out any crying woman when I'm not about to get my rose dethorned by a jersey chaser with Uncle Leo Sharpie eyebrows.

MICHELLE - Oh, so now people who seduce professional NBA players are "jersey chasers"? I didn't realize we were in Puritan Boston. Paging John Smith.

BRAD WOMACK - John Smith was a settler in Jamestown. He didn't have anything to do with Puritan Boston.

MICHELLE - Shuddup.

BRAD WOMACK - Let's switch gears from Chantal to Shawntel. At this moment, I'm preferring Shawntel, because her parents were slightly more creative with her name spelling, which means she's probably down with trying anal.

SHAWNTEL - You know it.

BRAD WOMACK - Awesome. I have a sixth-sense about these sorts of things.

SHAWNTEL - What are all these noisy boxes with fruit on them?

BRAD WOMACK - Slot machines. And this on my foot is a shoe.

SHAWNTEL - Sorry. I've just never been to Vegas, even though I've lived a mere 1.5-hour plane ride away my entire life.

BRAD WOMACK - My bright anal sex premonition has suddenly dimmed.

SHAWNTEL - It's just that there are always dead people to tend to. Every day. More dead people.

BRAD WOMACK - Do tell me more.

SHAWNTEL - Well, I mold their faces into peaceful expressions, and then put tubes in their veins that clean out their -

BRAD WOMACK - Ok. You can stop now.

SHAWNTEL - More liver pâté?

BRAD WOMACK - No thank you. And now moving on to The Ashleys™.

THE ASHLEYS ™ - Let us guess... you want us to hang on trapezes while an off-Broadway reject sings Elvis ballads from the Fat Years?

BRAD WOMACK - Wow. Yes. That's exactly it. Impressive.

THE ASHLEYS ™ - Thank you.

BRAD WOMACK - Even though I strongly suspect you two are better as a package deal, Chris Harrison says I gotta send one of you home. So, let's ditch the one with the dead dad.

ASHLEY H. - Good choice, Brad.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh, shit. I thought you were the one with the dead dad.

ASHLEY H. - Too late. She's already crying in the limo.

BRAD WOMACK - I'm also going to send home those two brunette chicks whose names I can't remember right now. One of them wrote me some little notes, and the other one has absolutely nothing notable about her.

CHANTAL - She has really bad hair.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh yeah. That. Peace out, mousy biatches. Thanks for playing. Better luck next time. Smell you later. Catch you on the flip -

CHRIS HARRISON - That's enough now, Brad.

- Sorry.

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