Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Pick-Up Artist 2 - Finale

Fuck Mystery, dog. Fuck him. Matt talked to two Korean girls about how he likes to go to Koreatown in Los Angeles. The girls were excited that he was somewhat familiar with their culture, and Mystery mocked them. Excuse them for caring about something other than being sexually attractive to men at every second of the day. Because to Mystery, girls aren't real people. They are only real people to him when he knows that treating them as such is going to get them in bed. He's a pig in a half-ponytail.

He ordered Simeon and Matt to "seduce" a Perfect 10 (ooooh, I just love when women are reduced to numbers based on their appearance). Both men succeeded, but Simeon won the coolest crazy-cool medallion of all.

So I was somewhat wrong when I said the best looking guy would become The Pick-Up Artist. But Simeon is no schlub, even if that straw cowboy hat isn't doing him any favors. I want to see a Perfect 2 (how does it feel? Mwah ha ha ha.) become a part of Mystery's entourage. How would he fare under Mystery's tutelage?

Previously on The Hills: The Pick Up Artist 2 - Winging It
Previously on The Hills: The Pick Up Artist 2 - Bikini Models
Previously on The Hills: The Pick-Up Artist 2 - Touchy Subject

Rock of Love Charm School - Poetic Justice

Two Rock of Love-ettes were expelled from Charm School this evening. Sharon didn't think Kristy Jo and Jessica were white trash enough to earn $100,000. Under normal circumstances, that's a compliment, but these two were just begging for someone to recognize the Cheeto-eating pre-fabricated home resident that lies beneath the surface.

Jessica is actually the most non-trashy person to ever appear on a VH1 reality show, but I think she would have been willing to take up crystal meth if it could have won her that cash. Kristy Jo, on the other hand, probably hosted a salisbury steak dinner at the local Shoney's upon arriving home to celebrate her first plane ride. I really think she could have gone all the way.

Was Lacey being genuine with her acts of repentance, such as serving all the girls mint chocolate chip ice cream and dedicating an apology song to Heather? Eh... not so sure. I remember when Lacey and Heather were BFF on Rock of Love Season 1, but Heather overheard Lacey telling Brett that Mr. and Mrs. Heather were ashamed of their daughter's stripping. Did you see Heather's parents? If there was an elementary school in Ohio with a strong future stripper curriculum, these are the type of people that would pleasure the principal under the desk to get their child enrolled. Poor call on Lacey's part.

I predict that Lacey will make it to the last episode, for entertainment value, but Brandi M. will take the prize. Does this mean she'll have to get her lower back tattoo removed?

Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Charm School - Fugly Dating
Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Charm School - T and A PSA
Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Charm School - The Trashion Show

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County- the Premiere!

This is why I love the original Real Housewives! Less than ten minutes into the premiere episode, and we already have our first obnoxious "woo hoo!" from Vicki! Ladies, I have missed you.

Vicki seems content to continue building her empire at the cost of her marriage. Sadly, we didn't get to see any Donn Gunvalson this week, but it appears he will be a large part of the story, as he no longer fills Vicki's "love tank". Blech. Her latest pursuit is a "yacht" for lack of a better term. She brings along Michael, who has recently returned from college, to sign off on her purchase. Michael doesn't seem to have a problem with this plan. Admittedly, Newport Beach harbor is about 20 minutes from Coto, versus the 3 or so hours it takes to get to Vicki's house on Lake Havasu. Michael is just doing simply math in his head, realizing that tail will increase exponentially if he has a yacht in Newport. Its really simple math (x + number of miles driven/amount of alcohol beverages served to underage chicks x we own a yacht in Newport=mad amounts of ass).

Breanna doesn't seem to want Vicki to sell the house in Lake Havasu. My best guess is that she was hoping that this gem of a prefab lake house would be bethrothed to her in her marriage to Colby.

Over at the Keough residence, we learned that Jeana is officially separated from Matt. Then we hear Matt screaming in the background to turn off the damn lights. Way to set boundaries, Jeana. We also learn that Shane has moved up from a single A team in Vancouver to the Kane County Cougars in Illinois. I've been to Kane County. Not good. Its like the Chicago version of what we in SoCal snidely refer to as "the 909"- the parts of Riverside and San Bernardino counties that are home to dirty desert rats. Is there some kind of irony in Shane playing for a team called the cougars? Insert completely untrue story about Shane hooking up with Quinn Frye from season 3 here....

We also learn that Kara is a little unhappy attending Berkeley, as would any Republican. According to her, you must either "hug trees, smoke trees, or grass as they call it, or eat of the trash can". Wow. This is why people say that Orange County is a bubble, and everyone outside the bubble, especially people in grass smoking, dumpster eating Northern California hate us.

Self-proclaimed "hottest housewife in the OC" Tamra picks up right where she left off- at her plastic surgeon's office in Newport Beach. This time her young/old mom is there to consider a face lift. Tamra sees this as an opportunity to get lip injections and wax on about aging gracefully. Only in Orange County would aging gracefully mean getting your original fake tits replaced with smaller fake tits. How graceful.

On a brighter note, the relationship between Tamra's husband, Simon, and her son, Ryan, seems to have improved. Simon is even willing to help Ryan move a 56 inch projection TV into his new place, even though he already has a 42 inch tube TV. Seriously? Haven't these people ever heard of flat screens? Tube TVs are killer on the back. Of course, it seems like Tamra and most of her clan do their best work on their back.

When we catch up with Lauri, we realize that her storyline is rather boring now that she is happily married. That doesn't make for good TV. Why do I care where she honeymoons with George. Someone should tell Lauri she is becoming irrelevant due to stated marital bliss. If she wants to stay on this show, we are going to need some real drama. Coming late and leaving early to Jeana's clothes party doesn't count. Its only slighly more exciting than watching any conversation between Sheree and Kim on "Real Housewives of Atlanta".

The most interesting story of the night was from new housewive, Gretchen Rossi. Gretchen is your stereotypical 30 year old blond, with the possible exception of being married to a Kenny Rogers look alike with leukemia who is 23 years her senior. I must admit that her "love" seemed almost genuine. I sense that someone was a former child actress in TV commercials and employs these fake emotions now. Regardless, it should make for a great storyline for the remainder of the season.

I feel sorry for his children, though. For starters, they have Detroit-face, a syndrome best described as evolution passing your city by as factories close and jobs move elsewhere. Detroit is for poor people. Why do they live there while their Dad lives in Newport Coast and Coto de Caza? I would hate my parents if they did that to me. Now they also have to contend with a stepmom who is only slightly older than them. She could like totally buy them beer, though.

Next week, more discussion of Vicki's "love tank", so stay tuned.

Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock Hotel

If you haven't seen this new masterpiece on TruTV (formerly CourtTV), I highly suggest you check it out. The premise: follow the staff of the poolside Rehab at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas as they deal with guests' demands and the ensuing problems. Its sort of like "Airline" on A&E, for those who remember the show, except people are more drunk and less clothed.

A few highlights from this week's episode:
-a group of guys is "hustled" by Rehab's "coordinator"- a guy who exists solely to wrangle up drunk, horny women for drunk, horny tourist men. The problem: drunk, horny women stole this group of guys' alcohol and this was not a group of guys you want to go pissing off. One of the guys threatens to "bury the coordinator in the desert". It sounded much more like a real threat than an idle threat. Where would one possibly find desert around Vegas though?
-a 23 year old woman, probably on ecstasy, passes out and her friend refuses to give her ID or personal information over to the hotel security staff or paramedics because she presumably doesn't want to get in trouble. Once her unconcious friend is carted off to the emergency room, though, she goes back to the pool and resumes partying.
-the fiance of Rehab's manager gets toasted celebrating her birthday at Rehab. This would be great if she was in any way an attractive human being. It was like being witness to Robin getting drunk on "RW/RR Challenge: the Island". Yikes!
-one group fails to pay their tab because they are either extreme idiots or just looking for trouble. There is a $200 food and drink minimum to get into Rehab. This group seems to believe that $200 is a one-time fee to pay for their food and drinks for the day. Anyone who has ever drank poolside in Vegas will know that $200 gets you about a 12 pack. Of canned beer. Or those shitty aluminum bottles that never stay cold. They were surprised to hear that their tab was $535.

My personal favorite, though, was watching "Rookie Cocktail Waitress" Julie try to keep her biggest party of the day from leaving. The guy with the credit card was the first guy to puke. When hotel security asks him to leave, Julie has to ask one of the other guys in the party to put up his credit card so they can keep drinking.

Yes, that is what we need in Vegas, more drinking! Talk about bringing sand to the beach.

I know that Rehab has great potential because I've been poolside in Vegas enough to know that it can be sheer enjoyment watching the bottom feeders of society (i.e. people from New Jersey) get hammered in 115 degree dry heat. The skin gets burned, the brain cells diminish, the accents get thicker and mayhem ensues.

I'll definitely be tuning in next week.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Reunion

This reunion was dramz to the max. None of the dramz, however, quite compared with the Great Wig Debate of '08.

Anyone who's watched the show knows that Kim wears some kind of hairpiece. It's not a particularly good hairpiece, and while I'm not one to mock people for things that are beyond their control, I've always wondered why someone who never hesitates to flaunt "her" money wouldn't invest in a more convincing wig.

I realize the show is set in the Atlanta, and big blond hair in the South seems to be the equivalent of having a college degree in the North (ZING!). And while looking like a pre-K pageant queen might have been Kim's lifelong dream (she says earlier in the season that she was ugly in grammar school because she had dark hair), I don't see how she could be so delusional to think that the entire Bravo viewership wouldn't immediately recognize her amber waves as a really, really bad wig.

Ok, so the fugly wig and her attempt to play it off as real hair is bad enough.

But on the reunion, Kim tries to explain why she wears the wig, and it went horribly wrong.

I have no doubt that for the past few years, she's been wearing that thing with pride. After the show aired, however, she no doubt read the mocking blog posts and decided to craft an excuse. She tells Andy that she was once sick. She thought she had cancer, but the test came back negative.

So... she thought she had cancer, but didn't. I'm sure she figured that would be the end of it. Andy kept pushing her, though, and made her reiterate again that she never really had cancer.

If she didn't have cancer, she didn't have chemo, and, therefore, did not lose all of her hair. How the hell does this explain anything? Instead of rocking the animal carcass, she inadvertently admitted her embarrassment over the damn thing, and ended up embarrassing herself even more.

Nice try. Props to NeNe and Lisa for calling her out on this bogus story.

Previously on The Hills: Real Housewives of Atlanta - Best of Enemies
Previously on The Hills: Real Housewives of Atlanta - Dream a Little Nightmare
Previously on The Hills: Real Housewives of Atlanta - Out of Tune

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Hills - You Did This

Remember My So Called Life, and the elusive Tino that never appeared onscreen? The Hills has its own Tino... named Dino. Dino tells Audrina that LC and Justin-Bobby got nekkid and what not, but we never get to see this character. If a Dino starts a rumor in West Hollywood, but no one but a brunette boob-job recipient with a vacant stare is there to hear it, did rumor and/or Dino really exist? Or did 'Drina subconsciously create both of them, knowing that the story would make for extended screen time and juicy tabloid fodder?

I mean, come the frick on. Lauren hooking up with J-Bobs is as likely as Holly Montag lovingly shaving Spencer's flesh-colored beard... down there. Girls don't typically get down with guys they detest. I know the term "hate f*&k" exists, but isn't that reserved for dudes with some kind of hygiene regimen? I might hate the obese bum that panhandles at the corner of Madison and Wells every afternoon, but until he takes a hot shower, ain't no chance we're going to make angry, passionate love. Such is Justin Bobby. Audrina's the only one with standards low enough to go there.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard that Heidi and Spencer have taken their vows to love, honor, and obey one another until the public stops caring about their relationship, thus forcing them to find new meal tickets. Seriously, I think that was written in their vows.

In other news, gay people still can't get married.

Only in America. Lawdy.

Previously on The Hills: The Hills - One Last Chance
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Back to New York
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Heidi Walks Spanish

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rock of Love Charm School - Fugly Dating

I nominate Lacey Conner for Worst Person on Earth. If you watch this show, you know why. She fills me with more rage than one should feel for someone on a VH1 spin-off reality show.

While Mystery gives the guys on The Pick-Up Artist makeovers to make them more appealing to women, Sharon Osbourne gives the women on Charm School serious make-unders so that they'll use their personalities to pick up dudes. We're talkin' hairy moles, unibrows, and fat suits.

I think this experiment just proves that Charm School shouldn't exist, because the men seemed enchanted with the girls, even in their hideous costumes. Besides Lacey and Kristi Jo, they're all pretty cool chicks. What they lack in "class" (a word which I've already expressed my disdain for), they make up for with humor, kindness, and interesting fashion sense. Brandi C. managed to attract an investment banker while wearing a Joyce DeWitt wig and a nose prosthesis. They even made out! That's got to be some sort of testament to her winning personality.

However, there's a good chance that the investment banker has seen Rock of Love and knows that Brandi C. is actually pretty cute. So everything I just said could be total BS.

And I forgot about the whole spitting-in-Destiney's-face thing. So what I said about Brandi C.'s personality is definitely BS. I really should outline these summaries before I post them.

Anyway, I think Ricki Rachtman has the hots for Brandi C. Don't do it, girlfriend. Don't do it.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF - Keep Your Frenemies Closer

Damn, that Shelley is such a bore. If Paris knows what's good for her, she'll put her up for discussion next week and Talk To Her Never. I realize that being a Nice Christian wins you some points here in the good ol' US of A, especially if you're running for president. But in all honestly, a Nice Christian is the last person on earth I'd want to be friends with. You'd think Paris would feel the same way. Nice Christians don't drink, don't' swear, don't do coke, don't have meaningless sex, and don't gossip. What could this girl possibly have in common with Paris Hilton? Dump the NC, Paris.

Corrie, on the other hand, deserves to win. Corrie's speech last week about the difficulties of being born beautiful had Paris nodding in empathy. The fact that these two have post-rhinoplasty little nubs on their faces and still lament about the "curse" they were born with just proves that they are MFEO (you know... Made For Each Other).

Does anyone else agree that Paris is on the fast track to gay icon? Put a little extra rouge on those cheeks and give her a Xanax, and she's the next Liza Minelli.

Self-important delusion is another qualification for the role of gay icon. Paris definitely has that one down pat; did she really think people on Hollywood Blvd. would want to pay to take a picture with a cardboard cut-out of her? Really? That's not even mildly exciting for tourists from Amarillo. Even taking a picture with the real Paris wouldn't interest the bulk of the population. Marlo Thomas, she ain't.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Real Houswives of Orange County - Season 4 Preview

Oh man. My loins are tingling in anticipation for the new season. Mostly because Vicki talks about her husband Donn and his "love tank."

But the fourth OC season will offer much stimulation for the menfolk, as well. Catfights abound, especially between Tamra Barney and the newest housewife, Gretchen Rossi.

It's clear from the previews that none of the old beyotches like the 30-year old Rossi. For Jeana, Lauri, and Vicki, it's a matter of Gretch's gold-digging, fame-whoring ways. But for the only other pre-menopausal woman on the show, it's a battle for male attention and the title of the "hottest housewife in Orange County." Gretchen seems like an idiot, but anyone who would anoint herself as the best-looking married woman in a county of over 280,000 deserves to be taken down a notch.

I can't imagine that Tamra would have fared much better starring alongside Jo De La Rosa, or anyone younger and more attractive, for that matter. That Tamra surrounds herself with mostly older women is probably not a coincidence.

Other things I'm looking foward to:

  • Josh's heroin addiction. Sorry... I mean the coverage of Josh's heroin addiction.
  • Vicki's family's reaction to her excesses, including a $1 million yacht. Don't they live inland?
  • Jeana feeling on Gretchen's boobies in a public place.
  • Tamra's freak-out in a straw cowboy hat after her gay son reveals his inner-lip tattoo. I think it says "nugget." What the hell is that supposed to mean?
  • Donn Gunvalson naked.
  • Donn Gunvalson's inevitable return to singledom after Vicki goes in search of a new man to get her rapidly drying vadge going again.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Best of Enemies

I didn't get the best grades in college, but if there was a course called Wig Analyzation 101, I wouldn't even have to sleep with the professor to pass.

Ok, you can definitely see the color difference between Kim's wig and her bangs. The wig is a more strawberry blond, while the real hair is dirty dishwater. Plus, the bangs have frickin' roots, and the wig does not.

So who's the drag queen now? Miss NeNe at least put some thought into her head piece. Unlike Kim's, it doesn't look like the Marcia Brady wig you can buy at one of those temporary Halloween stores they open in vacant PetSmarts.

Props to Dallas Austin for giving it to Kim straight, even though it might jeopardize his friendship with Big Papa. I read elsewhere on the Internet that they are really and truly working on putting an album together, so she must have cleaned up her act. That, or he added those robotic vocals Britney's producers use to cover up her crappy voice. I can't imagine that would sound good on a country song like "Tightrope", though. I hope to never find out.

The housewives all met for one final dinner together to end the season, and the drama was minimal. NeNe started getting a little wound up, but Kim managed to calm her down by expressing concern for her children. Oh really, Klassy Kim? She was so worried that her kids would overhear NeNe calling her out, yet she smokes a pack a day in the same house as her children, who have pleaded with her to quit. Not only that, she sleeps with her daughters in her bed every night. It can't be healthy for those girls to be kept awake by Big Papa's snoring every second Saturday of the month.

What a relief that Lisa helped settle the differences between the women that she herself created. You know she's the one who told Kim about NeNe's smack talk. Still, I can't hate. Girlfriend referenced MC Hammer while walking to the restaurant: "Pumps and a bump!" That is some ol' skool shit right thur.

As the country hit "Tightrope" played in the background, Bravo gave us a written account of how each woman is doing post-production. Kim's still puffing away, anxiously awaiting her 30th birthday (uh huh). Lisa wants to squeeze another kid out. Sheree's using her seven figure settlement to pay an actual designer to make a clothing line named after her. DeShawn's mouth is permanently frozen into a smile. But the very best housewife, with the very best husband, was saved for last, and you know what that means.

A star is born. NeNe Leakes, ladies and gentlemen.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Hills - One Last Chance

This episode, like Justin-Bobby's afternoon at Venice Beach, was zenful.

I'm not entirely certain what zenful means, but my Chi-town ass spent fifteen minutes there last February, and it was more scared-for-my-life-ful than zenful. You could tell that J-Bobs and Audrina, snug in their leather jackets, felt like they belonged there, but it's what I'd imagine a Will Smith visit to Cabrini Green to be like.

But just when we think the man with two names is going to get an office job and a house in Irvine for Audrina and their three children, the preview for next week's episode reveals that he may have hooked up with Lauren. I doubt Lauren would do that, because, you know, she's a really good friend. However, I do not doubt that he's slept with many other women who are not his girlfriend.

Is it wrong to hope that the next episode concludes with a montage of Justin-Bobby/Random Girl sex scenes, set to a Leona Lewis song? And that those two weird people make Audrina watch it live on the after show? MTV, if you need a writer for one of your scripted reality shows, I'm available.

The Iranian Jewish guy accepted Heidi's sincere apology for drinking on the job and having a douche-b boyfriend. And I'm being sincere when I say her apology was sincere; all the botox in the world couldn't conceal her terrified expression at the thought of having to spend another day home with Spencer. So she'll be back at her fake office at Bolthouse, fake working and fake confiding in that brown haired girl that's not Elodie.

Any guesses as to where Holly Montag slept between stints at Heidi's condo and Lauren's house? Laurence Fishburne's couch, anyone?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Pick Up Artist 2 - Winging It

Mystery, nobody likes being right 100 percent of the time. You're making this too easy for me. No fun.

I hate to use the term "neg" without irony, but Rian had one of the best negs I've ever seen in the entire 1.5-season history of The Pick Up Artist. A girl at the club was listing all the countries she's visited, and Rian turned to her friends and said "does she always brag like this?" My living room erupted into a chorus of "HOOOOOOOOO!"s after that one, if two people count as a chorus.

Anyway, Rian is a pro at this game. And he failed to get a crazy-cool medallion from Mystery. And it's because he is not cute. And it sucks.

You'd think that dropping lines about your theater troupe back home would repel women like a picture of Jeff Conway naked in his wheelchair. But the women at the grocery store ate it up! So he didn't manage to score a sleazy make-out sesh at the club. So what? I guess an ounce of class scores you no points with a middle age man wearing a feather boa and goggles. Yeah, I know I said class is boring in my charm school post, but I'm talking about an ounce here, people. Twelve of them equal a pound. Or whatever. Go read a math blog if you're into that sort of thing. Nerd.

I'm betting on Matt to win it all. His investment banker look had me giggling like a schoolgirl. I can imagine him having a similar effect on Mystery.

Rock of Love Charm School - T and A PSA

If the public service announcement created by Brandi Squared was so inappropriate and offensive, why were they able to show it on basic cable? I thought it was a riot, especially when Brandi M. threw caution and the condom to the wind and went to town on the male blow-up doll's wee.

I knew they'd choose Lacey to stay over Dallas. Lacey got physical with Dallas and threw a drink in her face, and Sharon Osbourne clearly despises her. By all reality TV show standards, as much as one can call them standards, this chick should be gone. But she's good television, and the producers likely told the judges that she's got to stay until the end.

I still f'ing hate her guts. She called Dallas an "antagonizer". Nothing pisses me off more than people who consider themselves intellectuals yet have to resort to made-up words. It's antagonist, dingbat.

I'm actually praying that none of the girls graduate charm school. "Classy" people are boring as hell. That's why Britney & Kevin: Chaotic only aired for five episodes.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Pick Up Artist 2 - Bikini Models

Brian, the skinny fro'd Asian boy, was eliminated this week. I think this further supports my theory that the winner of this show has to be somewhat handsome. And going through puberty doesn't hurt, either.

Watching Brian chase hot bikini-clad babes around the bar with his lines about pickle juice reminds me of my parents' puppy, who follows me from room to room, toy in mouth, begging me to play with him. The "hot babe" part is the only difference in this scenario. I usually am wearing a bikini.

It's time to take this show beyond the bar. Contrary to what Mystery might think, chicks don't really go to bars to meet men. They go to get F'ed up. Or maybe that's just me and my friends. We just want to be left the hell alone so we can drink ourselves into a stupor. Mindless chatter with eligibles takes precious seconds away from vodka/soda time.

I want to see these guys work some magic up in a Paint Your Own Pottery store. Women looooove to talk while they paint things. Why do you think so many high school kids get pregnant in art class? It's not a coincidence.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Dream a Little Nightmare


There are plenty of dishes commonly served at a "sunset barbecue", as DeShawn insists on calling a regular old BBQ. You know... potato salad, ribs, coleslaw, hot dogs. But when explaining why she will not be attending this particular shin-dig, Kim has to go and talk about chicken.

She's already pushed it, when asking the dermatologist about why "their" skin ages so well. But she played the chicken card, and leaving out the word "fried" doesn't make her not-so-latent racism any more palatable. I hope your new buds recognize this as a friendship of Housewives convenience and dump your sorry ass, Weave Head.

And while Kim is at her mandatory sensitivity training session, Lisa Wu Hartwell will hopefully be at the Y, improving on her front crawl. I understand that she didn't want to mess with her make-up, but if the producers insist on setting up a fake sensual swimming scene, she could at least pretend to have proper form. There's nothing sexy about the dog paddle.

But back to Kim. I hope she enjoys her romantic weekend getaway with Big Poppa/Papa at the Quality Inn off Interstate 85. 'Cause girlfriend is in for a world of hurt when black Atlanta finally sees this episode. Fingers crossed.

The Hills - Back to New York

I feel like I've been in Whitney's situation before, except instead of a male model and a sessy musician, it's been between puka-shell backwards visor man and a 5'4" Steve from Sex and the City wanna-be.

Your friends tried to hook you up with the short guy, because, duh, you're short and apparently can only be attracted to short guys. He's nice and all, but a fashion-forward fellow with a puffy vest is more appealing to you that evening. For some reason, you feel like you owe something to the short guy, so your guilt gets the best of you and you let puffy vest/puka shell/backwards visor go off into the night.

Whitney thinks guilt is a stupid, man-made emotion, so she leaves with the hot musician while the male model sulks. The male model believes that Whitney owes him something, because Kelly Cutrone tried to set them up. Whitney is too smart to fall for that shit. I just hope boss lady doesn't get on Whitters case for dissing the dude she hand-picked for her.

Port in 2012!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County - Saggy Old Balls

Viewers of last week's Real Housewives of Atlanta were treated to a preview of the upcoming Orange County season. Looks like they all be hatin' on Gretchen, the new 30 year-old who's dating** an old rich dude with a terminal illness.

**Would you call it dating? Do you think they actually go on dates? Or have sex? Or do anything but go to expensive stores where he watches her try stuff on and then hands over his Amex Black Card? I can't think of the right word to describe this situation.

I have no doubt that Lauri Waring-Peterson married Steve for the dough, or that Tamra Barney got on the Simon train so he'd pay her gay son's rent. But at least those guys' ages are within a decade of their wives'. It'll be interesting to hear Gretchen explain her affection for a man who probably thinks the music of the Beatles is that "new rock n' roll racket."

Do women like Gretchen hook up with hot dudes their own age on the sly? I just can't see how a lifestyle like this is gratifying. But that's just me.

Well it looks like Tamra's gay son may have to find a new place to live soon, as the family is "not downsizing":

I'm going to hop on the Liz M. train and say that Ryan isn't gay, "because he said he wasn't, so I'll believe him". Besides, I didn't see him protesting against Prop 8 this weekend, so he must be straight.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Out of Tune

Ok. I believe that Kim is 29 now. And why? Because she is the most immature woman to ever star in a Housewives series.

Showing off side-boob when the sun is still out. Drinking wine in a convertible WHILE THE KEYS ARE IN THE IGNITION. Smoking like a fiend while preparing to record an album. Hanging up the phone on a friend. Responding angrily to constructive criticism (although I question how constructive Miss Jan's criticism actually was, because nothing will save that horrible, horrible voice).

But for some reason, the thing that infuriated me the most was her reaction to the guacomole. It was like watching a five year-old try it for the first time. Have you never been to a Mexican restaurant before? I understand why people may have some trepidation about eating sushi, because it's raw fish and all, but freakin' avocados? They even serve that shit at Taco Bell! How can you refer to yourself as "classy" when you call guac "this green garbage"?

I'm not a hater. I always come to the housewives' defense when people knock them for drinking and having a good time. But Kim is another breed entirely. What Big Poppa sees in this joke of a woman is beyond me.

And take that stupid white top hat off.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Real Worl/Road Rules Challenge - The Island Reunion

Unorganized thoughts on the cheap Survivor knock-off reunion.

Ev is a total babe! It's amazing what a hot shower and an absent black visor can do to improve one's appearance. Wonder if the high ponytail/visor look was a strategy to keep the possibility of romance from distracting her from the task at hand.

When did Kelly-Anne become so, uh... street? "Fuck y'all! Fuck y'all!"

This new host is hot. He needs to learn, however, that a word like misogyny is waaaay above the heads of these people.

I love that Paula called Johnny a "weirdo". Of all the horrible names you could call him, that probably hurts the worst. He's always considered himself a normal white suburban douche.

Oh Jen... those aren't mosquito bites that itch. Let's just say that the Panamanian jungle isn't the only forest that hosts crabs.

Best line of the show: "I f*#k my friends all the time" (yes, I'm that big of a prude that I only spell out the F word when it's not used in its literal sense). This was Kelly Anne's sarcastic response when Johanna claimed her and Kenny are just friends.

The Hills - Heidi Walks Spanish

I cannot believe Brent fired Heidi. What kind of boss lets a punctual, sober, modest employee like that go?

Somewhere, Elodie Otto is typing up her resume in Microsoft Word to get the job that was rightfully hers back. Elodie, when you get rehired at Bolthouse, I want you to plan the best party young Hollywood has ever seen at Les Deux. And I would like to be included on the guest list. And so would my parents. Thanks.

The silver lining to Heidi's firing is now employees the world over know how NOT to act. Her gainful employment was setting a horrible example; if she was all you knew of the working world, you'd think leaving business meetings to go cavort with your tow-headed BF was perfectly acceptable, and that downing tequila while on the clock is the norm. Take heed, youth of America. Even a perfect plastic face and locks of Jonathan Antin-spun gold can't save an overall sucky person in the workplace. And I use the term "workplace" loosely to describe Bolthouse.

I'm skeptical about Heidi's firing from Bolthouse. Her actions on Monday's episode didn't seem to be any more or less irresponsible than all of her previous missteps. Maybe its just the sheer amounts of incidents that warranted her firing, or a directive from Sam himself. Regardless, I remain skeptical because I always imagined that MTV had arranged the job at Bolthouse for Heidi. MTV is clearly in with the Maloofs when it comes to promoting the Palms and their other Vegas properties, so I figured they had a similar arrangement with Bolthouse.

I know this is horrible to admit, but I took a little pleasure in watching Heidi get fired. In "The Hills" time, she got fired the night before her candidate of choice got trounced at the polls. It was an all-around bad week for Heidi Montag. Plus, it was especially enjoyable to watch her firing knowing full well that Spencer had indirectly caused her pain. That smug bastard has zero regard for her or her individuality. This job was the only really thing she had going for her after he cost her friends, family, etc. He had sought to sabotage her job from the beginning, though. What kind of douche shows up to his girlfriend's work when expressed asked not to? What kind of douche follows his girlfriend to Vegas and confronts her when she is at dinner with her bosses? What kind of douche gets his girlfriend to drink at a work function? When will Heidi wake up to the fact that Spencer does not have her best interests at heart?

Just think, though, Heidi. You have all of this free time now due to your unemployment, so you can get an early jump on campaigning for "Palin in 2012"!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Rock of Love Charm School - The Trashion Show

Rodeo admitted that she needs money. And from the tone of her weepy, whiney voice, she needs it badly. I thought she was sitting on a gold mine when she announced her line of organic BBQ sauces at the Rock of Love reunion, but it appears they haven't been much of a hit at Ralph's Fresh Fare.

I'm not sure if we can blame the failure of her product on the economy, or if it's because we all know each batch has been infused with her endless tears. Those salty drops might taste good in marina sauce, but I can say with confidence that they add nothing to a slab of St. Louis-style.

Sharon Osbourne lit into Lacey and Megan, and it was awesome. When "The Osbournes" was on the air, my mother said that she fancied herself a Sharon Obsbourne kind of mama. If that were true, I would have done everything she ever told me, including her request that I hover, not sit, on public toilet seats . Sharon is completely terrifying, and managed to whip the two biggest beyotches to ever hump Bret Michaels into complete submission.

Rodeo got the boot, and, of course, cried. It's hard for me to continue watching this series, because all I really want is for that drunk girl Courtney to come back on the show. The scene with her silently falling over in her chair warrants an Emmy nomination.

Whoa, I just realized I'm a week late on my episodes. I'll do my best to cover last night's, but that's a lot of trashiness for one day.

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