Monday, January 31, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 4

Shawntel sees dead people.

MICHELLE - I'm going to do to you what I did to Carlos Boozer.

BRAD WOMACK - Publicly humiliate me in a two-page spread in Life & Style magazine?

MICHELLE - No. I just meant have sex with you a lot.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh. Sounds good, then.

CHANTAL O. - Not so fast.

BRAD WOMACK - Can I help you? I'm about to have crazy-lady sex here.

CHANTAL - I'm crying. Remember when you said you'd help out any crying woman? Or was that just for St. Emily?

BRAD WOMACK - I meant I'd help out any crying woman when I'm not about to get my rose dethorned by a jersey chaser with Uncle Leo Sharpie eyebrows.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 2 - "Start Spreading the News"

Scott Disick kills a man with his bare hands. And looks damn good doing it.

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Hey girl. What do me, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Melissa Rivers all have in common?

KIM KARDASHIAN - You've all appeared on the E! network?

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE -  Well, yes. But I was going to make a joke about how we've all been burrowed inside that fine rump o' yours. Me, only in the future sense, of course.


RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Thanks. I've always pictured myself as sort of a Dane Cook-Lite. Irreverent, yet fully focused on the current -

RANDOM DRUNK CHICK - **interrupts while wearing an offensively high ponytail** What the fuck you doing talking to my man?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jersey Shore- Episode 3- "Where's the Beach?"

Proving that ‘annoyance’ is more than just a state, Snooki takes her lows to new highs…

SNOOKI- Waaahhhh!!! I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to get arrested.

JENNI- Snooks, I told you to keep your legs closed. Sorry,er, your mouth closed. I’m just so used to using the first expression.

24 hours earlier back at the Shore house…

DEENA- I’m so horny.

SNOOKI- Me too.

DEENA- No, like I’m so horny, I’m willing to stoop to a threesome with you and the Sitch.

SNOOKI- Well, I don’t know what’s in this 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch I’m carrying around, but I’m down.

MIKE- I’m down too. I find you both attractive. Except for Deena.

SNOOKI- I’m going to go wash my face, and by wash my face, I mean get a facial from Vinny. Ever seen an elephant use its trunk to clean itself at the zoo?

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 3

This crazy lady has nice eyebrows.

CHRIS HARRISON - Hello, ladies. The self-promoting folks here at ABC have allowed us to take over this backlot in Burbank.

MICHELLE - Uh oh. Last time I was asked to a backlot in Burbank I ended up conceiving my daughter.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're not filming porn, slutface. We save that for the third week of filming.


CHRIS HARRISON - We're going to recreate action scenes from your favorite sitcoms! Remember when Jim Belushi fought off violent Nepalese monks on According to Jim?


CHRIS HARRISON - Oh, you're so smart because you're a dentist? Try being a real doctor. Anyway, it's time to kick some ass. But in a fake way.

BRAD WOMACK - What? I thought we were going to get to sit around and talk. You know, get to know each other.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. We've got to manufacture drama, what with you being the third boringest person from Texas, next to Jake Pavelka and Selena.

BRAD WOMACK - Selena's dead, dude.

CHRIS HARRISON - I know. That's why she's so boring.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 14 - "Flamingo Road Block"

At the Nida/Parks residence...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Can you, maybe, like, help with the baby?

APOLLO - I would, but I can't feed him like you can, so I might as well go hang out with my friends at the OTB. Telly's Vacation is coming out of retirement.

PAUL NASSIF - Hi there, I'm Dr. Paul Nassif, resident plastic surgeon on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I actually perform a popular procedure that involves giving men milk-producing breasts.

APOLLO - Man, I could've used those when I was in jail.

PAUL NASSIF - I'll bet.

APOLLO - Speaking of bets, what do you think about Telly's Vacation?

PAUL NASSIF - I don't fucking know. But I can give you breasts, ok? Titties. Big ones, too.

PHAEDRA PARKS - See, Apollo? Now you can do everything I can do!

APOLLO - Fuck, dude, why'd you have to show up here?

PAUL NASSIF - Sorry. Gotta hustle for every dollar.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Jersey Shore- Episode 2- "Death of a Sweetheart"

This week’s epic battle is between Sammi “My steeze is going to be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead” Giancola and Jenni “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” Farley...

SAMMI- Why does everyone hate me? I heard "I hate Sammi" is trending on Twitter, and fluctuations in my self-esteem are based solely on the internet.

JENNI- Maybe because you’re a dumb twat?

RON- Baby, forget everyone and just go on this amusement park ride with me.

SAMMI- I don’t want to go. I want to sit here with my pouty face on.

RON- But this ride is the most action I’ll get all season!

SAMMI- Sorry if I’m not down to let you ‘get it in’. In case you didn’t hear, everyone hates me and it makes my vagina sad.

RON- This is why I swoop on mamis in clubs in Miami.

SAMMI- What did you say?

RON- I said I love you more than anything. And you can trust me.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - "Turn, Turn, Turn"

Camille shrugs, smirks, and head-bobs her way to a D-to-the-Ivorce.

In an NYC hotel room...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So first Kelsey puts me up in a hotel, and tells me he'd rather I not stay at the apartment.

D.D. - He probably just needs his space before he goes on stage.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - And then each time I tried to call him, we got "disconnected."

D.D. - That's T-Mobile for ya. Always dropping calls.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - But then twenty pizzas arrived at my hotel room, for "Ex-Mrs. Camille Grammer."

D.D. - Kids pulling pranks. You know how kids can be.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So I went to his apartment, and when he opened the door and saw me standing there, he slammed it in my face.

D.D. - That's just method acting. He's getting ready for the angry parts in his play.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Then I kept banging on the door until he finally answered, and he said he hates my stupid whorey face and hopes I die.

D.D. - Hey, know what'll be fun? Yelping divorce attorneys!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Finale - "Fred-Ex Delivers"

The Lingerie Script has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the "shittiest piece of self-promotional shit on film" category.

PATTI STANGER - If you want to make sure a woman isn't a gold-digger, stop buying stuff and see what happens.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - You're blowing my mind here.

PATTI STANGER - In fact, don't even mention that you have money.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - Wow. This is amazing! Do you have a PhD or something?

PATTI STANGER - An associates in matchmaking from U of M. University of Margate.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - I am seriously impressed.

PATTI STANGER - What can I say? My credentials from a non-accredited community college speak for themselves.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 2

It's Michelle's 30th birthday, and she's angry she's got to spend it in a rent-free mansion in sunny California and not really have to do anything but sit around and swim all day. photo

At an empty fake carnival, with zombies lurking, hungry for vapid desperate-lady brains...

ASHLEY - Cotton candy? Really? I'm a dentist, asshole.

BRAD WOMACK - Sorry. I thought a fake carnival would be fun.

ASHLEY - It's ok. Wanna make out?

BRAD WOMACK - Sure, I guess, after we discuss our absentee fathers for awhile.

ASHLEY - Ugh. Sugar, zombies, and talking about feelings? This is what passes for a date on this network? Couldn't I have at least gotten the damn helicopter ride?

Jersey Shore- Episode 1- "Return of the Shore"

pic -

SNOOKI- Hey bitch! I’m so glad you’re going down to the Shore with us.

DEENA- Me too. The doc said contracting the clap twice in one summer is highly unlikely.

SNOOKI- I’d gladly contract the clap twice in one summer but only if both times it came from Vinny’s giant Guido wiener.

DEENA- Word, which reminds me, its 9:30 and I don’t even got a buzz on yet.

SNOOKI- I knew we were soulmates and not just because we are both 4 foot 8 with annoying voices and we both have a ‘toothy’ way of pleasuring guys with our mouths.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 13 - "Tour-ture"

Fun on a bus. - photo

KIM ZOLCIAK - A bus? The only bus I've ever been on was the short one to school everyday, and the kids were very cruel.

DON JUAN - Don't worry. The only people who'll be cruel to you on this bus are adults.


KANDI BURRUSS - Your fame-whore ass will like this tidbit - this is the same bus that was on Rock of Love.

KIM ZOLCIAK - The same one that killed two people in southern Illinois?

KANDI BURRUSS - The very same one.

SWEETIE - So, this is, like, a famous bus?

KIM ZOLCIAK - Sweet! A famous bus, I can do.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 11 - "How to Behave"

Taylor Armstrong sad-stands in the driveway with a cake.

JASON - Pandora Vanderpump, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Omg, omg, this is the moment we've been waiting for!

JASON - And I wanted to ask, if you would...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Spit it out, you filthy American!

JASON - If you would...

LISA VANDERPUMP - The suspense is worse than Mannequin!

JASON - Here goes nothing. I wanted to ask you if you'd let me try anal.

PANDORA VANDERPUMP - It would make me the happiest woman in the world.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 10 - "Hello Kitty in a One-Horse Town"

Patti gives birth through her jeans.

ROBIN KASSNER - I'll buy you a Maserati if you let me give you an HJ under the table.

LUKE - Wait... you're offering bribes so I'll allow you to give me sexual favors?

ROBIN KASSNER - That's right. I'll even throw in a replica Golden Plunger featured in The Super Mario Brothers cartoon. What do you say?

LUKE - I say.... FUCK YEAH!

PATTI STANGER - Not so fast, Little Plumber Boy. This kind of business isn't allowed in the Millionaire's Club.

LUKE - Fine. I'll just take a Porsche, then.

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean I don't let my club members exchange sex for little-penis cars.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Bachelor - Episode 1

This nice young lady's fiance died in a plane crash. Meanwhile, Jake Pavelka still roams the earth. God is cruel and unjust.

CHRIS HARRISON - I'm so glad to see you, bro. Do you have any idea how terrifying small talk with Jake Pavelka was? He once asked if he could make an emergency landing on my taint. And he wasn't joking. Please, god, let's discuss sports.

BRAD WOMACK - How 'bout them Longhorns?

CHRIS HARRISON - AH! So refreshing. Thank you. But as much as I want to answer that, I know our core audience has absolutely no interest. So, back to talking about love an' shit.

BRAD WOMACK - Emphasis on the shit. I like it kinky.

CHRIS HARRISON - Good, because we've got quite a flock of freaks here for you. You like slaps? Hot hair-removal wax? Dracula fangs? Big fat booties?

BRAD WOMACK - Yes, yes, yes, and sorta.

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