Monday, January 10, 2011

Jersey Shore- Episode 1- "Return of the Shore"

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SNOOKI- Hey bitch! I’m so glad you’re going down to the Shore with us.

DEENA- Me too. The doc said contracting the clap twice in one summer is highly unlikely.

SNOOKI- I’d gladly contract the clap twice in one summer but only if both times it came from Vinny’s giant Guido wiener.

DEENA- Word, which reminds me, its 9:30 and I don’t even got a buzz on yet.

SNOOKI- I knew we were soulmates and not just because we are both 4 foot 8 with annoying voices and we both have a ‘toothy’ way of pleasuring guys with our mouths.

DEENA- I’m gonna pop this bottle of Dom and then by the time I’m ready to puke, you can pull over and I’ll drive the rest of the way.

SNOOKI- Besties!

DEENA- You probably shouldn’t have anything to drink since you’re sitting so close to the steering wheel.

SNOOKI- What’s the worst that could happen? My hymen's already been broken three times this year and its not even June yet.

DEENA- So tell me about all the roommates and by that, I mean tell me which roommates will be violating me like Tim Robbins at the beginning of the Shawshank Redemption.

SNOOKI- Jenni is the best person that has ever lived on the face of this Earth.

DEENA- Shit! The Dom doesn’t fit into the cupholder of your European sports car. Stupid.

SNOOKI- Sammi is the world’s biggest twat- if you exclude Lisa Lampanelli and that fat guy that used to be Secretary of War, Dick Cherry, or whatever his name is.

DEENA- I don’t care about the girls. Who is going to be riding me like I’m Secretariat?

SNOOKI- Pauly and Mike are like the sweetest guys ever. Ronnie is in love with the world’s biggest twat. Vinny has a giant wiener.

DEENA- Are you cool if I scoop up your sloppy seconds then?

SNOOKI- Yes, but only yes in the way that you say you are cool with it when you’re sober, but then you’re totally not cool with it when you’re drunk and its actually happening.

**The girls arrive at the Seaside Heights house.**

SAMMI- I’m laughing at you and rolling my eyes because I can’t use my big girls words and I’m not smart enough to come up with anything creative to insult you with.

DEENA- I’m drunk, bitch, so I only know what two of those words meant.

MIKE- Looks like we have a situation!

JENNI- That’s really clever, Mike. I was doing the world a favor by punching you in the mouth.

SAMMI- Do you all remember last season when I kicked the shit out of Jenni? Ronnie, I laid that bitch out, right?

RONNIE- I hate you. I cheat on you constantly because I don’t respect you as a person and you let me walk all over you.

SAMMI- Aww, you’re sweet! Lets cuddle and ignore everyone else.

DEENA- (sobbing) Why does everyone hate me? How many sexual favors will I need to perform on you before you accept me as one of you?

VINNY- Seven.

The end.


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