Sunday, January 9, 2011

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 13 - "Tour-ture"

Fun on a bus. - photo

KIM ZOLCIAK - A bus? The only bus I've ever been on was the short one to school everyday, and the kids were very cruel.

DON JUAN - Don't worry. The only people who'll be cruel to you on this bus are adults.


KANDI BURRUSS - Your fame-whore ass will like this tidbit - this is the same bus that was on Rock of Love.

KIM ZOLCIAK - The same one that killed two people in southern Illinois?

KANDI BURRUSS - The very same one.

SWEETIE - So, this is, like, a famous bus?

KIM ZOLCIAK - Sweet! A famous bus, I can do.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Hey, it's me, Phaedra Parks, fresh from my Sip n' See.

KIM ZOLCIAK - What the fuck is a Sip n' See?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Exactly what it sounds like. Sippin' and seein'.

KIM ZOLCIAK - The bus driver seems to be doing some sippin' and seein' of his own.

DANNY THE BUS DRIVER - Hell yeah. Except I'm not really seeing anything. I'm actually drunk AND blind.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, my stanky reindeer bootie is needed up in the court room. Bobby Brown has a small claim against his pastry caterer. **she exits**

DON JUAN - Kim, stop ashing your Virginia Slims in my bunk!  You're not even supposed to be smoking in here.

KIM ZOLCIAK - It's a Marlboro Light, idiot. I'm only 47, not 82. And besides, me and Danny the Bus Driver have a deal.

DANNY THE BUS DRIVER - It's true. **downs an entire bottle of Wild Turkey, kills a family of four crossing the street** Whoopsies.

NENE LEAKES - Hey, it's me, Nene Leaks. I brought Jermaine Dupri with me. You want something to drink, JD?


NENE LEAKES - You want to hear Kim's new song, since we're here on the bus and all?


NENE LEAKES - You got something else to say besides "no"?


NENE LEAKES - My my, aren't you pleasant? Janet must have been hard up. Was Chico DeBarge busy that year?


NENE LEAKES - Ugh. Well, good luck on your tour of red-state strip-mall honky-tonks, ladies. I'm off to the editing room to make this interview sound not-awful.


NENE LEAKES - I didn't even ask a question that time! Man, you suck. **they exit**

KIM ZOLCIAK - Sweetie, will you help me flush the toilet? The bus potty doesn't seem to want to accept the chili burger I ate at The Thirsty Beaver.

DON JUAN - A whole week. On a bus. With Cheap Wig Barbie. Lord, have mercy.

KIM ZOLCIAK - This wig was $50, I'll have you know.

DEREK J - Nothing but the finest for Cheap Wig Barbie.

KIM ZOLCIAK - That's right, son.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Hey, it's me, Cynthia Bailey, along with my dick of a pre-spouse, Peter Thomas.

PETER THOMAS - I am NOT feeling irie, mon.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Your Jamaican ass has been in a funk ever since your business went under. What's that all about?

PETER THOMAS - Uh, my business going under. And the fact that you never have a spliff waiting for me when I get home.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - You're gonna have to go back to the islands for that shit.

PETER THOMAS - Well, maybe I will.




KIM ZOLCIAK - This is going well. Can't wait to go to your dinosaur wedding in a few months!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Fuck you. **she and Peter exit**

KANDI BURRUSS - Alright, our performance at Club Tempo is in three minutes. All ready to go, Kim?

KIM ZOLCIAK - When I finish this case of Two Buck Chuck.

SWEETIE - You still got five Marlboro Lights left, too.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Crap, I forgot. Can't just let that sit around.

DON JUAN - Kandi, next time can we go on tour with Teena Marie?

KANDI BURRUSS - I'd take a rotting corpse any day over Miss Kim.

DON JUAN - Me too, man. Me too.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Awww... y'all are too sweet, comparing me to a legend like Teena Marie. It's going to fun being roomies for a week - just like Celebrity Rehab!

DON JUAN - You know, you and Teena got even more in common than I originally thought.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Besides being white, blonde, and having smooth, velvety vocals that make grown men weep?

DON JUAN - Yep. **pushes Kim out of the moving bus** You're both dead.

KANDI BURRUSS - Problem solving skills. I like that in a manager.

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