Thursday, January 6, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 11 - "How to Behave"

Taylor Armstrong sad-stands in the driveway with a cake.

JASON - Pandora Vanderpump, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Omg, omg, this is the moment we've been waiting for!

JASON - And I wanted to ask, if you would...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Spit it out, you filthy American!

JASON - If you would...

LISA VANDERPUMP - The suspense is worse than Mannequin!

JASON - Here goes nothing. I wanted to ask you if you'd let me try anal.

PANDORA VANDERPUMP - It would make me the happiest woman in the world.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Finally! You two have been together for four years. It's about time.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Your mother and I crossed that bridge the first week we met.

CEDRIC - Your mother and I crossed that bridge the first day we met.

LISA VANDERPUMP - And it was fantastic. Why else would I let a psychologically-damaged waiter live in my house for over a year? Certainly not to help him.

KYLE RICHARDS - So, Cedric, when you're not penetrating your straight best friend, I hear you like to talk about your rough childhood.

CEDRIC - I do. What better setting than a fancy dinner party to discuss my mother getting raped and having to eat cat food to survive?

KYLE RICHARDS - True dat. I much prefer it over Taylor's whining about her marital woes.  Boooooring.

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - Taylor and I do not have marital woes. I happen to be a frigid nerd with a preference for see-through shirts, and my wife begrudgingly tolerates it.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG  - You left me sad-standing in the driveway holding a mini-cake. That's the very definition of marital woe.

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Actually, marital woe is defined as deep misery or distress within the institution of marriage.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Oh, you're so fuckin' perfect, aren't you?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - He's not as perfect as he seems. Interesting that public sartorial norms require you to cover the only body part that really matters.

KYLE RICHARDS - Are you saying my husband has a small penis?


KYLE RICHARDS - Well, it's true. But I'm more concerned with how you know that.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - A little birdie told me.

KYLE RICHARDS - Aw, I love little birds. I'm so glad we're friends now.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Me too. I love your caftan. You always have the best caftans.

KYLE RICHARDS - And you always give the most well-intentioned gifts. How to Behave would stay in the most visible part of my book shelf, if I had a book shelf. 

KIM RICHARDS - What the fuck is going on here? Why are you two being nice to each other? Two Fatburgers, please. Extra mayo.

KYLE RICHARDS - Oh, Kim. We're besties now. You never can quite keep up, can you?

KIM RICHARDS - Sadly, no. I still listen to my Thriller vinyl daily.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Just be glad they're getting along. My son hates his father so much he's broken his nose twice.

PAUL NASSIF - Three times. But the second was an accident.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Well, Christian claimed the second was an accident, but right before it happened I found him reading an instructional pamphlet called "How to Break Your Daddy's Nose When You Really Really Hate Him A Lot".

CAMILLE GRAMMER - He's already reading at the age of four? Adrienne, you have an amazing family. And I'm not just saying that to ingratiate myself with the richest person on the show. 

NICK - Hey, it's me Nick, the tennis pro. Just stopping by to show you all my mullet wig. Isn't it hilarious? It's a fake mullet! On sale at Spencer's gifts!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Nick, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen, next to Howard Stern's Private Parts, in which I played "Bikini Girl in Westchester". Let me greet you with a kiss on the lips.

NICK'S WIFE - Awwww....  Mash those orifices together. That's true platonic friendship right there.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Damn. I can't even get my own husband to do that to me. 

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - Sorry, babe. My lips are kinda of chapped from last night. **winks at Cedric** 

LISA VANDERPUMP - This story line suddenly got a lot more interesting.

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