Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 10 - "Hello Kitty in a One-Horse Town"

Patti gives birth through her jeans.

ROBIN KASSNER - I'll buy you a Maserati if you let me give you an HJ under the table.

LUKE - Wait... you're offering bribes so I'll allow you to give me sexual favors?

ROBIN KASSNER - That's right. I'll even throw in a replica Golden Plunger featured in The Super Mario Brothers cartoon. What do you say?

LUKE - I say.... FUCK YEAH!

PATTI STANGER - Not so fast, Little Plumber Boy. This kind of business isn't allowed in the Millionaire's Club.

LUKE - Fine. I'll just take a Porsche, then.

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean I don't let my club members exchange sex for little-penis cars.

JOHN BONGIORNO - But is it ok if I let Dana the Borgata Waitress fellate me while I ride my prized Shetland?

PATTI STANGER - You gonna give her gifts and shit?


PATTI STANGER - Then that's totally ok, because you're a dude. But the star of Stephen King's "It" over here can't get away with it, because Luke isn't sexually attracted to her.

ROBIN KASSNER - I don't need him to be attracted to me. All I want is sex with a muscly idiot who cleans pipes.

PATTI STANGER - Haven't you people learned anything after three seasons of unsuccessful matchmaking television? Women want love, and men hate flowers. It's simple.

JOHN BONGIORNO - Actually, there's an English Garden Style arrangement at this shop in New Canaan that makes we just want to die. So beautiful.


ROBIN KASSNER - Patti, I may have frizzy hair, slurred speech, an ass that lasts for days, the interior design tastes of Malibu Barbie -

LUKE - Don't forget about the gummy smile. Definitely a gummy smile.

ROBIN KASSNER - And a gummy smile.  Thanks for that. But I'd never ask someone to behave a certain way based on their sex.

LUKE - Good speech. Damn good speech. My birthday's coming up, you know.

PATTI STANGER - Sorry, Robin. You don't follow my antiquated gender roles, you don't get to keep your Millionaire's Club Card.

ROBIN KASSNER - That post-it note you gave me yesterday?

PATTI STANGER - Yeah, that. Give it back, please.

ROBIN KASSNER - Here. But just know that I rode a bike yesterday, and almost ran over an old dude on rollerblades. For love.

PATTI STANGER - Yeah, yeah. Go join the florist chick in the Never Getting Married Club.

ROBIN KASSNER - I will. At least they don't have a two drink maximum.

PATTI STANGER - That's true. Can I come?



  1. I love Robin she is fun I wanna see more of her on TV

  2. Robin has a gazillion dollar lawsuit against the airport cause she didnt like the guys there throwing her to the ground and tackling her...I thought she liked being tackeled?

  3. Does anyone have Luke's number? I'll happily give him the hand job under the table that he requested. :)

  4. was robin trashed? I don't get why nobody is talking about this...she was such a drunk mess, even during the mixer! She must be so emberassed.

  5. robin was beyond drunk and all luke wants is MONEY,MONEY,MON-NEY!MON-NEY!BUT I want Dana and John

  6. Dana and John are great for each other. Robin and Luke : SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL


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