Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 10 - "Hello Kitty in a One-Horse Town"

Patti gives birth through her jeans.

ROBIN KASSNER - I'll buy you a Maserati if you let me give you an HJ under the table.

LUKE - Wait... you're offering bribes so I'll allow you to give me sexual favors?

ROBIN KASSNER - That's right. I'll even throw in a replica Golden Plunger featured in The Super Mario Brothers cartoon. What do you say?

LUKE - I say.... FUCK YEAH!

PATTI STANGER - Not so fast, Little Plumber Boy. This kind of business isn't allowed in the Millionaire's Club.

LUKE - Fine. I'll just take a Porsche, then.

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean I don't let my club members exchange sex for little-penis cars.


JOHN BONGIORNO - But is it ok if I let Dana the Borgata Waitress fellate me while I ride my prized Shetland?

PATTI STANGER - You gonna give her gifts and shit?

JOHN BONGIORNO - Of course.

PATTI STANGER - Then that's totally ok, because you're a dude. But the star of Stephen King's "It" over here can't get away with it, because Luke isn't sexually attracted to her.

ROBIN KASSNER - I don't need him to be attracted to me. All I want is sex with a muscly idiot who cleans pipes.

PATTI STANGER - Haven't you people learned anything after three seasons of unsuccessful matchmaking television? Women want love, and men hate flowers. It's simple.

JOHN BONGIORNO - Actually, there's an English Garden Style arrangement at this shop in New Canaan that makes we just want to die. So beautiful.

PATTI STANGER - Gay.

ROBIN KASSNER - Patti, I may have frizzy hair, slurred speech, an ass that lasts for days, the interior design tastes of Malibu Barbie -

LUKE - Don't forget about the gummy smile. Definitely a gummy smile.

ROBIN KASSNER - And a gummy smile.  Thanks for that. But I'd never ask someone to behave a certain way based on their sex.

LUKE - Good speech. Damn good speech. My birthday's coming up, you know.

PATTI STANGER - Sorry, Robin. You don't follow my antiquated gender roles, you don't get to keep your Millionaire's Club Card.

ROBIN KASSNER - That post-it note you gave me yesterday?

PATTI STANGER - Yeah, that. Give it back, please.

ROBIN KASSNER - Here. But just know that I rode a bike yesterday, and almost ran over an old dude on rollerblades. For love.

PATTI STANGER - Yeah, yeah. Go join the florist chick in the Never Getting Married Club.

ROBIN KASSNER - I will. At least they don't have a two drink maximum.

PATTI STANGER - That's true. Can I come?

ROBIN KASSNER - Nope.