The Bachelor - Episode 1

This nice young lady's fiance died in a plane crash. Meanwhile, Jake Pavelka still roams the earth. God is cruel and unjust.

CHRIS HARRISON - I'm so glad to see you, bro. Do you have any idea how terrifying small talk with Jake Pavelka was? He once asked if he could make an emergency landing on my taint. And he wasn't joking. Please, god, let's discuss sports.

BRAD WOMACK - How 'bout them Longhorns?

CHRIS HARRISON - AH! So refreshing. Thank you. But as much as I want to answer that, I know our core audience has absolutely no interest. So, back to talking about love an' shit.

BRAD WOMACK - Emphasis on the shit. I like it kinky.

CHRIS HARRISON - Good, because we've got quite a flock of freaks here for you. You like slaps? Hot hair-removal wax? Dracula fangs? Big fat booties?

BRAD WOMACK - Yes, yes, yes, and sorta.


CHRIS HARRISON - Great, because they're all here on this season of.... The Bachelor!

BRAD WOMACK - I got chills from the way you said that right there. You really were born for this job.

CHRIS HARRISON - Thank you. Now let's cut to the chase. Do you regret pulling what's now referred to in certain circles as "The Jen Scheft Shuffle"?

BRAD WOMACK - You mean making the rational decision to not propose to a woman I've only known a few weeks?

CHRIS HARRISON - Right, that one.

BRAD WOMACK - Yes. But only because I got hundreds of death threats from bored Midwestern housewives. One even told me she'd poke holes in my prostate with a pitchfork.

CHRIS HARRISON - Well, get ready to ooze prostate juice, because Deanna Pappas and Jenni Croft, the two women you humiliated for the whole world to see, are here tonight!

BRAD WOMACK - Whole world? Let's not get crazy, it's not even rated number one in its time slot in the US, so I'm not -

CHRIS HARRISON - Shut up. ABC owns you now.

BRAD WOMACK - K.

DEANNA PAPPAS - Hey, fuckface. If you think I've moved on just because I'm married and have a whole new life now, you're wrong.

JENNI CROFT - Eh, I'm kind over it.

CHRIS HARRISON - That's not what we rehearsed, Jenni.

JENNI CROFT - Shit. I mean, GRRRRR! I'm so MAD!

BRAD WOMACK - If I haven't mentioned it four times already, the years since I dumped both of you have been extremely lonely, and I've had to meet with Dr. Phil at bi-monthly appointments. He smells really bad, and it was awful.

JENNI CROFT - Works for me. I wish you the best.

DEANNA PAPPAS - Damn it, Jenni, at least try to play along. I'm still pissed, Brad, and I'm going to do this weird ghetto-fab head bob to prove it. **does weird ghetto-fab head bob**

CHRIS HARRISON - Nice, Deanna! Do you know how to Dougie, by any chance?

DEANNA PAPPAS - Hell yeah, I do. **"Teach Me How to Dougie" comes on, Deanna does the dance**

CHRIS HARRISON - Go giiiiirl! Go giiiiirl!

DEANNA PAPPAS - Teach me how to Dougie, teach, teach me how to Dougie!

CHRIS HARRISON - Aw, yeah! God, I wish we had some sistas up in here.

BRAD WOMACK - I don't.

CHRIS HARRISON - I know, I know. Neither did any other of the racist a-holes we've had on this show. Notice that we didn't even bother with a token this time?

BRAD WOMACK - Sure did, and nary an Asian or Hispanic in sight. Love it. Now can you turn off this terrible music and put on some Big & Rich?

CHRIS HARRISON - Back to reality, I guess. Deanna, it's been real.

DEANNA PAPPAS - Peace. **Dougies away**

BRAD WOMACK - Bring on the white chicks!!!!!!!!

Til next week....