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| When Matt Siegal said he wanted liquid in his face, this isn't what he had in mind. - photo bravotv.com |
PATTI STANGER - I got ten minutes before my lip injection appointment, so quickly tell me what you're looking for in a potential mutual masturbation partner.
MATT SIEGAL - Woody Allen physique.
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Same here.
PATTI STANGER - That was easy. Do you both want an Asian step-daughter-slash-wife attached to his or her hip?
MATT SIEGAL - Duh.
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Duh squared. **takes a shot of vodka**
PATTI STANGER - Done and done. Here's Jimmy. He's sixteen and still in middle school - he had trouble passing Remedial Science. Keep this one on the DL, because it's, you know, illegal.
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - I love him!
MATT SIEGAL - Me too!
JIMMY - Don't worry, there's enough of me to go around.
PATTI STANGER - Is there? Because you weigh under 100 pounds. Now I see why Remedial Science was a struggle for you.
JIMMY - At least I know that you can't lose weight by eating cookies. **leers at Matt**
MATT SIEGAL - Get the fuck out of my face, you beautiful piece of jail bait!
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - I'll still hit that. You like borscht?
JIMMY - Of course, this is America. But you know what I don't like?
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Vagina?
JIMMY - Yeah, so....
PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Jimmy doesn't do chicks. Here's a second potential mate, folks.
RHETT - Hello, my name is Rhett. I like long walks on the beach and eating quail eggs, mostly because they look like testicles.
MATT SIEGAL - Hubba hubba.
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Hubba hubba squared. **takes another shot of vodka**
RHETT - Frankly, my dears, I'm pleased you both find me so alluring. One last thing before we have group sex - I hate Bullets Over Broadway. I found it silly and sophomoric.
MATT SIEGAL - Sorry, the group sex session has been abruptly cancelled. **throws a glass of water in Rhett's face**
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - I'll still have group sex with you.
RHETT - But I'm soaking wet. And there are only two of us.
PATTI STANGER - Three.
RHETT - Fuck. **runs out of the room**
PATTI STANGER - Alright, one last try. Geronimo!
ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Really? Ok, then. **straps on a parachute and jumps out the window**
PATTI STANGER - Shit. I didn't mean it like that. Well, Matt, since you're the only one left, you and Geronimo might as well hook up.
GERONIMO - But I'm straight. **takes off his shirt and dances to The Village People's "In the Navy."** Just kidding!
MATT SIEGAL - How do you feel about Woody Allen?
GERONIMO - Eh, not a fan. But I give killer bee jays.
MATT SIEGAL - Perfect. Thanks, Patti!
PATTI STANGER - My pleasure. I think I'll skip that lip injection appointment. I'm feeling another kind of injection coming on, and I want to watch!
The End.
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