Thursday, December 30, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 9 - "Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice"

When Matt Siegal said he wanted liquid in his face, this isn't what he had in mind. - photo

PATTI STANGER - I got ten minutes before my lip injection appointment, so quickly tell me what you're looking for in a potential mutual masturbation partner.

MATT SIEGAL - Woody Allen physique.


PATTI STANGER - That was easy. Do you both want an Asian step-daughter-slash-wife attached to his or her hip?


ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Duh squared. **takes a shot of vodka**

PATTI STANGER - Done and done. Here's Jimmy. He's sixteen and still in middle school - he had trouble passing Remedial Science. Keep this one on the DL, because it's, you know, illegal.



JIMMY - Don't worry, there's enough of me to go around.

PATTI STANGER - Is there? Because you weigh under 100 pounds. Now I see why Remedial Science was a struggle for you.

JIMMY - At least I know that you can't lose weight by eating cookies. **leers at Matt**

MATT SIEGAL - Get the fuck out of my face, you beautiful piece of jail bait!

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - I'll still hit that. You like borscht?

JIMMY - Of course, this is America. But you know what I don't like?


JIMMY - Yeah, so....

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Jimmy doesn't do chicks. Here's a second potential mate, folks.

RHETT - Hello, my name is Rhett. I like long walks on the beach and eating quail eggs, mostly because they look like testicles.

MATT SIEGAL - Hubba hubba.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Hubba hubba squared. **takes another shot of vodka**

RHETT - Frankly, my dears, I'm pleased you both find me so alluring. One last thing before we have group sex - I hate Bullets Over Broadway. I found it silly and sophomoric.

MATT SIEGAL - Sorry, the group sex session has been abruptly cancelled. **throws a glass of water in Rhett's face**

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - I'll still have group sex with you.

RHETT - But I'm soaking wet. And there are only two of us.


RHETT - Fuck. **runs out of the room**

PATTI STANGER - Alright, one last try. Geronimo!

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Really? Ok, then. **straps on a parachute and jumps out the window**

PATTI STANGER  - Shit. I didn't mean it like that. Well, Matt, since you're the only one left, you and Geronimo might as well hook up.

GERONIMO - But I'm straight. **takes off his shirt and dances to The Village People's "In the Navy."** Just kidding!

MATT SIEGAL - How do you feel about Woody Allen?

GERONIMO - Eh, not a fan. But I give killer bee jays.

MATT SIEGAL - Perfect. Thanks, Patti!

PATTI STANGER - My pleasure. I think I'll skip that lip injection appointment. I'm feeling another kind of injection coming on, and I want to watch!

The End.

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