Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 7 - "Opposite Don't Attract"

Leah McSweeney's got two interests - T-shirts and big wieners. Patti Stanger's challenge is to help her find the latter. 

LEAH MCSWEENEY - You got a big penis?

JORDAN OSHER - Does it look like I would have a big penis?

LEAH MCSWEENEY - Good point. Patti, what else you got for me?

PATTI STANGER - How about this ironic-mustachioed LES hipster, and his less-cute Mark Ruffalo friend?

LEAH MCSWEENEY - Do they have a big penis?

PATTI STANGER - Let's put them in a dunk tank with cold water and see.

LES HIPSTERS - Um, we just forgot that we have somewhere we need to be. **they run out the door**

Monday, November 29, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 9 - "NeNe Get Your Gun"

NeNe Leakes is much too loud for the Good Doctor's refined taste.

 At a sidewalk (actually, parking lot) cafe in a Marietta strip mall...

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I don't think this is going to work. You're not quite womanly enough for me.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Cuz I pee standing up?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD -  Well, that did come into play, yes.

SHEREE WHITFIELD -  Or is it because I beat bitches up with my bare fists?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - That too. Lawrence confided in me that he's very frightened of you.

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - Or is it because I ate a 72 ounce steak on our first date?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - No, I'd never blame a woman for that.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Good, because it was delicious.   

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 6 - "Cinderella and Moondoggie Walk into a Bar..."

Patti Stanger thinks the Bahamas and other tropical locales are childish, and that
"grown ups" should only live in places that suck.

Patti meets PJ at her office...

PATTI STANGER - Ew, you're 43? More like 49. ZING!

PJ MARKS - Wow. Good one. You're on fire today.

PATTI STANGER - Thanks. So my point is, you look six years older than you claim, even though I worked it into a punchline format.

PJ MARKS - Move over Lisa Lampanelli.

PATTI STANGER - Don't fuck with me.

PJ MARKS - Sorry.

PATTI STANGER - What else should I know about you, besides that your mother's father had androgenetic alopecia and you smell vaguely of smoked salmon?

PJ MARKS - Well, I have millions and millions of dollars, and live a Corona commercial of a life in the Bahamas.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 8 - "Is There A Doctor In The House?"

Sheree Whitfield has a house in Cuba, which is cooler than anything you'll ever have.

NENE LEAKES - Why's Sheree having a Spades party at Guantanamo Bay?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, do you have to question everything? Can't you just enjoy this tropical getaway card game for what it is? This is why I want to divorce you.

NENE LEAKES  - Uh uh, honey chile now, it's me that wants to divorce you. Don't get it twisted.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **opens the door for them** Welcome to my humble Gitmo abode.

NENE LEAKES - So why do you have a vacation home in Cuba? Better yet, how do you have a vacation home in Cuba?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, stop asking questions!

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - It's ok, Gregg with two "G"s. It's just for when I want to perform an interrogation. C'mon in, everybody's here.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 6 - "The Art of War"

Camille Grammer appears to be reading "The Art of War", but it's really just a book jacket she took off of Kelsey's copy and wrapped around "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I'm going to eviscerate Kyle with words. She's pernicious and Machiavellic.

NICK - Damn, girl. You verbose as shit. So, how's the "Art of War" coming along?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - This is just a book jacket. It's actually "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin. Don't tell the cameramen.

NICK - Well, I gotta go to an audition. I know your staff here will make you look great for Kelsey's big debut. Kiss kiss.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - They're not my staff... they're my friends.

NICK - Oh. Right. Well, bye.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 7 - "Hell Hath No Fury"

Laurel has known true despair, for she has loved Cara Maria.

DERRICK - I've got the best birthday prank to pull on Dunbar.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Play his Playboy TV porn in every TV in the house while everyone's sleeping?

DERRICK - There are no TVs in the house.


DERRICK - What we'll do is... we'll sneak up on him and the others while they soak in the hot tub...

JOHNNY BANANAS - Loving it, loving it...

DERRICK - And then....

JOHNNY BANANAS - I'm listening, I'm listening...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 5 - "Dateapause"

Sky Nellor once made a Vegemite sandwich while spinning house music for a room full of Japanese investors.

SKY NELLOR - Sky Nellor on the ones and twos. A-wiki-wiki-wiki-wiki! **pantomimes scratching records**

KEVIN - Lemme guess... you're a DJ.

SKY NELLOR - Yes! That's amazing! **blows air horn**

KEVIN - And Stacy... you must be a model. And an actress. And a host. And a lifestyle coach.

STACY KESSLER - Wow! How did you know? My good looks and vivacious charm?

KEVIN - You told me. Three times.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 7 - "She Can Dance?"

Tom Bergeron hosts "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent."

TOM BERGERON - Hello, I'm Tom Bergeron, former host of "America's Worst Voice Overs for Videos of Men Getting Kicked in the Penis". Welcome to "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent", which it doesn't, really, other than Jermaine Dupri, and even he's kind of a punchline at this point.

DWIGHT - What about me?

TOM BERGERON - Other than talent for accentuating your faux sock-stuffed bulge with pleather? I don't think so. First up is supermodel Cynthia Bailey, who will be standing while wearing fabric. Take it away, Ms. Bailey!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **stands while wearing fabric. Forces a tight closed-mouth smile** 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 5 - "I Would Never Say That"

Somewhat-respectable thespian Kelsey Grammer tosses dignity aside to appear on a stupid reality show.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Lilith, be a dear and fetch me some rosé.


KELSEY GRAMMER - You. My ex-wife.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - My name is Camille. And I'm your current wife.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - **under breath** Not for loooong... 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 5 - "Where The Red Team Blows"

The Red Team resembles a horror film from the 90s - the black guy is always the first to go.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 4 - "House of Cards"

Patti Stanger helps client Sean find a woman who hasn't discovered feminism yet.

PATTI STANGER - So, Sean, what are you looking for in a woman? If you want a middle-aged Jewess with a foul mouth and a raging case of IBS, look no further.

SEAN - Thanks, but I'll pass. What I really want is an Asian girl.

PATTI STANGER - The rumors about how Asian women are "down there" are false. Trust me.

SEAN - Tell me about it.

PATTI STANGER - I know, right?

SEAN - No, really. Tell me about it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat - Episode 5 - "Crouching Tyger, Hidden Danimal"

This week, on Degrassi - Ty Takes Things Too Far.

The Ty Takes Things Too Far Series:

In the bunk house...

EMILY - Have you ever had a Wet Willie? It's when someone puts their finger in their mouth and then sticks it in your ear. **gives Ty a Wet Willie**  Hehe. Squishy.

TY - Have you ever had a Soiled Sammie? It's when someone shoves a potted palm up your ass and watches all the dirt leak out. **gives Emily a Soiled Sammie** How do you like that, trick?


JOHNNY BANANAS - Whoa, dude. I think she's gotta go to Prague General.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 3 - "Brooklyn vs. Botox"

Patti Stanger introduces an innocent girl to an underworld of drugs and Sparkle tickling.

At Koi...

JASON - I've planned a great first hour of our date. We'll eat a little bit of raw fish coated in rice, and then pound some serious booze.

AMY - Eh, I'm not much of a drinker. I'm a dancer, so internal purity is pretty important to me.

JASON - That's nice. Waitress? **snaps his fingers** Two Patron shots over here.

AMY - Like I said, I don't really drink.

JASON - It's not for you. Don't worry. **downs both shots in quick succession**

BRO CHORUS - **crowd around the table** HEYYY YOOOOO!!!!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 5 - "Hot Mama's Day"

Phaedra Parks says her baby is ready to be born, with or without eyes and a spleen.

At Cynthia Bailey's Mother's Day party...

PHAEDRA PARKS - What the hell is going on here? 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Are you blind? Sheree's licking pâté off my fingers while Nene rubs her bedazzled bra and Kandi puts candy in her privates. This is how we do Mother's Day. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, I'm a Southern Belle. I can't have these things going on in my presence. Hey, are those corn dogs? **grabs a corn dog, sucks on it seductively** 

PETER THOMAS - Oh hell yeah. Now it's a party. 

web statistics
Wall Street Journal