Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 5 - "Hot Mama's Day"

Phaedra Parks says her baby is ready to be born, with or without eyes and a spleen.

At Cynthia Bailey's Mother's Day party...

PHAEDRA PARKS - What the hell is going on here? 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Are you blind? Sheree's licking pâté off my fingers while Nene rubs her bedazzled bra and Kandi puts candy in her privates. This is how we do Mother's Day. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, I'm a Southern Belle. I can't have these things going on in my presence. Hey, are those corn dogs? **grabs a corn dog, sucks on it seductively** 

PETER THOMAS - Oh hell yeah. Now it's a party. 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Peter, get out of here. 

PETER THOMAS - Ok. **leaves** 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Now that I've arrived, let's change the subject. To me. I'm a strong, confident woman.  

CYNTHIA BAILEY - We had no idea. Do tell us more. 

PHAEDRA PARKS -  Gladly. I know everything there is to know about everything, because I once represented Bobby Brown. Did you know that the male lion is the one with the mane? 

NENE LEAKES - I think that's common knowledge. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Oh. Well, did you all know that bats sleep upside down? 


PHAEDRA PARKS - Damn, Cindy. For living in a gentrification zone, you sure got your shit down. I bet none of you know that bees pollenate flowers. 

NENE LEAKES  - Did they pollenate those ugly-ass roses on your head last week? BAM! 

PHAEDRA PARKS - I'm going to ignore that. 

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Wow, Phaedra. You seem to have a firm grasp of basic facts about the animal kingdom. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Why, thank you. I am a lawyer, after all. 

SHEREE WHITFIELD - But seeing as you expect your baby to be born six months after conception, I'm not sure you know all there is to know about the natural world. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - I know your hair doesn't occur in the natural world. Snap!  

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **climbs up on the table** So help me God, I will call up Pookie 'nem so fast to come up in here and - 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Sheree, breathe. Remember how ugly those veins that came out of your neck last season were. 

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **sits back in her chair** True. Ok, I'm calm now. Ahem. Phaedra, I just find it interesting that your baby is already due, but you've only been married a few months. Rather curious for a Southern Belle. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - But he's ready to come out. The doctors says he's got a fully formed leg and lung.

KANDI BURRUSS - Just one of each, huh?

PHAEDRA PARKS - That's right. What does my baby need two lungs for?  And Heather Mills seems to be doing alright... 

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Something isn't adding up here, Phaedra. 

NENE LEAKES - You're from Athens, girl. Let it out. You got knocked up.  

PHAEDRA PARKS - **stalling** I, uh... I....           

ANNOUNCER - **jumps out of the bushes** Need a moment? Have a Vlasic! **hands Phaedra a pickle** 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Thank the lord. Just in time. **stuffs pickle in her mouth so she can't talk, just chews and shrugs.**  

NENE LEAKES - Who the fuck are you, Announcer Man?  

ANNOUNCER -  I do the voice over work for Vlasic pickles. We have an advertising campaign where people get in awkward situations but then eat our pickles so they don't have to talk.  

NENE LEAKES -  But I thought that was the Snickers campaign?

ANNOUNCER - Crap.**whispers to Phaedra** What would you like me to say, Miss Parks?  

PHAEDRA PARKS - Tell them that I pay you good money to - oh shit - **chokes on pickle**.

ANNOUNCER - Miss Parks would like me to tell you that she pays Vlasic good money to follow her around and help her get out of poorly crafted lies. Now I'm afraid she can't answer your questions because she's choking, and I must get her to the hospital. **carries Phaedra to the car** 

SHEREE WHITFIELD - If Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad can buy me an announcer guy like Phaedra's, this shit is on. Un-swole body be damned.

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