Friday, October 29, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 3 - "Plenty of Baggage"

Camille Grammer likes to dance, and will never let you forget it.



CAMILLE GRAMMER - Husbands of my friends, I brought you all here to Zany Putt Putt because, as you know, I'm a guy's girl. 

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Does that mean you prefer befriending chaps over birds, luv? 

CAMILLE GRAMMER -No, it means I want to have sex with all my friends' husbands. 


PAUL NASSIF - Awwwww yeah. Holla at ya boy! 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - It's not that easy, Paul. I've invited cable access television here to film an anniversary episode of "Elimidate". The anniversary of the time that guy pulled his pants down in the club. 

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Aren't you, like, married to Kelsey Grammer, puta? 

CAMILLE GRAMMER -  So? You don't think he's all up in the vadges of half of the chorus line for "La Cage aux Folles"? 

PAUL NASSIF - I thought those were all gay dudes. 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Shuttup. 

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - I'm pretty macho, so competing with other men is never a problem for me. 

MAURICIO UMANSKY - You say something, Urkel? 

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - No. Sorry. **pushes his glasses up on his nose** 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - What I'd like to do first is stretch. It's very important to stretch out your glutes before putt putt. **bends over in her mini skirt so the men can see what she ate for breakfast** 

PAUL NASSIF - Whoa. 

 **the men cover their erections with golf clubs.** 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Ok, you guys all try to hit the ball into the clown's mouth while I dance. **shimmy, body roll, drop it like it's hot.** 

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **enters with cotton candy hanging out of her mouth** Hey, it's me, Taylor Armstrong. Just stopping by to see if anyone wants to watch me seductively eat children's food. 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why did you come here? Jealous?

PAUL NASSIF - How are your temples, hun? Has the bubbling gone done? 

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - There's still a softball-sized one hiding behind my bangs, but - 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Hello, Taylor? You're kind of cramping my style.

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - Taylor, you'd better run home and iron my underwear for my "business meeting" tomorrow. 

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Right. Bye!  **turns head, cries, exits.** 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Holy mackerel, Vandy! Did you just hit a hole in one? You could put one in my hole later! 

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP  - That'd be brilliant. Just brilliant. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - **enters stroking a stuffed animal dog** Hey, it's me, Lisa Vanderpump. I overheard you ask my husband to put one in your hole. 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - It was just a joke! You British are so uptight. I, on the other hand, am a free spirit. **body roll, shimmy, makes it clap.** 

LISA VANDERPUMP -  If you touch him, I'll go Silk Stalkings on your ass. Cheerio! **exits** 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Wow, that's such a loooong golf club, Mauricio. So very looooong. 

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Gracias, vieja. 

KYLE RICHARDS - **enters with her long hair covering her face** Hey, it's me, Kyle Richards. 

KIM RICHARDS - **enters shaking with anxiety** And me, Kim Richards. 

KYLE RICHARDS - Mauricio, what are you doing with that freakishly long golf club? It makes your penis look micro. 

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Shhh, Kyle, not in front of the guys! 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Kim, Kyle, this is my time to shine. As the wise sage Tupac once said, "All eyes on me."

KIM RICHARDS - Want some potatoes? 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - No. Please leave.  **shimmy, body roll, back handspring**  Russell, I really like what you're doing with those balls. Get it? Balls?


ADRIENNE MALOOF - **enters in a sequin gown** What the fuck is this? Camille hoochie dancing while making suggestive comments to her friends' husbands on a mini-golf course?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Is there something wrong with that?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Yes. Yes, there is. **karate slams Camille to the ground, exits**. 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - **getting up** I'm ok. I'm ok. Nobody worry. **body roll, shimmy, makes her knees touch her elbows.** That just proves my point. Girls are such bitches to me... Men are more my speed. Paul, your package looks great in those pants.

PAUL NASSIF - Thanks! So what happened to Elimidate? You haven't voted anyone off the course. 

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - The camera man isn't even filming. He's eating Boston Baked Beans and watching those tweens try to run under the windmill at #5. 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I really don't want to reduce the amount of attention I'm getting, so you can all stay! 

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - Are you at least going to pay for this round? 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - No. Sorry. But I will do this. **strips down to her underwear, shimmies for 30 straight seconds** 

PAUL NASSIF - Works for me.

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