Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Challenge Cutthroat Episode 4 - "Swat the Hell?"

Tyler knows the stats about gay dudes perishing in Nazi Germany.

TJ LAVIN - Since we're in Eastern Europe, MTV wanted to try out a Holocaust theme for this season.

MELINDA -  I love holocausts. First you think you see a flower, and then you angle your head a different way and you see a goblin.

TJ LAVIN - That's a hologram. But it's ok, I didn't know what holocaust meant either.

SARAH - So the gas chamber thing was intentional, and part of a larger motif? How fantastically artistic.

TJ LAVIN - Yep. MTV is totes progressive and deep. So we'll round things out today with loud sirens, shaved bodies, and strange medical devices. 

PAULA - Will any of these strange medical devices cure  my chin herpes?

TJ LAVIN - Chin Valtrex hasn't yet been approved by the FDA. But whatever you can find through the Czech pharmaceutical black market is on you. Remember the waiver you signed. 

PAULA - The waiver that says if we pop an implant, it's on us, or the other one?

TJ LAVIN - The other one. Ok, Big Easy and Luke, in this gulag, you'll slap each other with Stars of David necklaces while these German Shepherds rage within inches of you. Ready, set, SLAP! 

JOHNNY BANANAS - Wait! Big Easy can't compete in Holocaust challenges.... He's fat!

LAUREL - And I think he's Irish. This isn't historically accurate at all.

TJ LAVIN - Damn. You all go to college or something?

DERRICK - Oakton Community College, thank you very much. Best education in the northwest collar suburbs of Chicago.  

BIG EASY - But doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?

JOHNNY BANANAS - You think victims of the Holocaust got a second change? Get the hell out of here.

TJ LAVIN - Oy vey. Well, let's throw Tyler in there instead.

TYLER - But then it'd be me and Luke - two gays guys out of 15 people.

LUKE - He's right. Only about .25 percent of people held in concentration camps were gay. Like Laurel said, this isn't historically accurate. 

TJ LAVIN - What the fuck is going on here? How do you people, like, know stuff?

DERRICK - Oakton Community College, thank you very much. Best education in the northwest collar suburbs of Chicago.  

TJ LAVIN -We get it, Derrick. You went to Oakton Community College. Congrats.

JOHNNY BANANAS - How about Camila? Can we throw her into the gulag?

CAMILA - What? I thought we really had something special!

JOHNNY BANANAS - It's business, baby. Just business. I'll still rub your legs on the coach bus later, don't worry. 

BRANDON - Camila can't go in. She's white and South American. Think about it.

TJ LAVIN - No comprende.

BRANDON - Look it up, idiot.

TJ LAVIN - Perfect time to mention this sliding Smartphone we're promoting! You can look up anything anywhere, even information about former Nazis who wandered post-war into the remote regions of South America! 

BRANDON - That is one fast Smartphone. 

TY- You know what? I'm not perfect. I've got some violent rage issues. But this Holocaust thing is all sorts of fucked up. 

TJ LAVIN -What's fucked up? Criticizing the network that's given you a lifetime supply of Under Armour gear? 

TY - How 'bout this?  On the next challenge, MTV should march us all down to Mississippi in a chain gang and have us pick cotton while an overseer cracks a whip. We'll keep these cutesy themes going. 

TJ LAVIN - That's a great idea! Ill get in touch with production. 

TY - I'm not being fucking serious! Gas chambers, torture devices, sirens? This is the most insensitive thing MTV has ever shown.  

JENN - What about the Snooki punch?

TY - Ok, that too.

TJ LAVIN - Sorry, I don't see the problem. Now everybody get in this freezing train car with no windows. We're going to the Prague Chili's for chicken crispers! 

ABRAM - Can Cara Maria and I have sex in this freezing train car with no windows? Sounds super kinky.

TJ LAVIN - Whatever floats your boat.

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