Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 2 - "Jersey in the House"

Caroline Manzo will kill a bitch. And chop her remains to delicious bite-sized pieces that go perfectly with Caesar salad.

At Patti's New York office...

PATTI STANGER - I don't know, Caroline. Your sons aren't even really millionaires.

CAROLINE MANZO - That may be true. But we are thick as thieves, and we protect each other 'til the end.

PATTI STANGER - I mean, it's great to see such a close-knit family and all, but -

CAROLINE MANZO - Damn right we're close-knit. Sometimes I go into their rooms at night and rub Vick's on their bare asses. Helps them sleep.

PATTI STANGER - Whoa. That is fucked up.


PATTI STANGER - Nothing. Like I was saying, I need them to supply proof of assets.

CAROLINE MANZO - Is this proof of assets enough? I will personally tie medicine balls to your cankles and throw you over Paterson Falls.

PATTI STANGER - Ok, that's sufficient proof. Let's do this.

At Chris Manzo's car wash business...

PATTI STANGER - **checking out the scantily clad employees** I take back what I said about LA women being hotter than East Coast ladies. This is some fine merchandise.

CHRISTOPHER MANZO - Well, we use the term "ladies" loosely here.

ALBIE MANZO - This is Chris's chicks with dicks car wash.

CHRISTOPHER MANZO - It's officially called "New Jersey's #1 Chick With Dicks Car Wash."

CAROLINE MANZO - Catchy, huh? That's my baby.

PATTI STANGER - Definitely. You know, I'm actually eligible to work here, believe it or not.

CHRISTOPHER MANZO - Oh, we believe it.

PATTI STANGER - Well, you know how I always say "the penis does the picking?"

CHRISTOPHER MANZO - Yep. You need to trademark that shit before Jackie Warner steals it.

PATTI STANGER - Today, we're going to let MY penis do the picking.

ALBIE MANZO - Can your penis also get me back into law school?

PATTI STANGER - Depends on who the dean is. Ok, Manzo Men, I'm going to survey all the gorgeous women who walk by this car wash and pick the best two. How does that sound?

CHRISTOPHER MANZO - Um, that doesn't happen very often.

PATTI STANGER - Bullshit. If there's one thing gorgeous women do, it's walk past a chick with dicks car wash off the turnpike at two in the afternoon in the winter. Who's the professional here?

ALBIE MANZO - You are, Patti.

PATTI STANGER - Right. Caroline, will you hook us up with some pasta with red sauce while we wait?

CAROLINE MANZO - Kill yourself.

PATTI STANGER - I'll take that as a no.

**Patti, Chris, and Albie sit in lawn chairs, waiting for hot girls to walk by. Chicks with dicks scrub their feet with pumice stones.**

PATTI STANGER - Is your mother really as terrifying as she seems?

ALBIE MANZO - Yes. She once tied medicine balls to my ex-girlfriend's ankles and threw her over Paterson Falls.

PATTI STANGER - Are you kidding me? Ankles? I thought the whole cankles thing was just part of her stock threat. Do you really think I have cankles?

**They sit there for two hours. Two migrant workers and an arthritic Russian lady pass by**

CHRISTOPHER MANZO - You know what? You suck at this whole matchmaking thing.

PATTI STANGER - Shhhhh. I've been hoping Bravo wouldn't pick up on that.

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