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| "Love Doctor" Tiy-E Muhammad surveyed some friends and decided that all men want Yorkshire Pudding for dinner every other week. |
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Hello, beautiful black women! Let's thank the Norcross Courtyard by Marriott for letting "The Loooooove Doctor" set up shop here today.
BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN - Woooohoooo!
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I am "The Loooooove Doctor". And I'm gonna make sure all you single ladies have a ring on it by the end of this WEEK!
BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN - Woooohoooo!
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - The problem with all y'all is that you just don't know how to treat a man. Take Sheree Whitfield over here. She needs to get CHECKED.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - Who gon' check me, boo? Haha.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Uh uh, girl, you'll never find another baller with that kind of aggressive attitude.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - But they make t-shirts with that catch phrase.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD -You want a t-shirt, or a good man?
SHEREE WHITFIELD - I dunno, the t-shirt's pretty cool...
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - EHHH! Wrong answer. Now come over here and treat me right.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - What do I do?
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Massage my bald spot with this growth serum. Awww yeah. Now that's how it's done.
SHEREE WHITFIELD -This is... Kinda gross.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - You gotta make sacrifices, as a woman. Now I want three ladies from the audience to come over and nip at my lower back with clothes pins while wearing Mongolian Genghis Khan hats.
**three women approach the stage eagerly**
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD -Whoa! All three of you brought your own Mongolian Genghis Khan hats? You know how to anticipate a man's needs! Now get to nippin'.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - So this is what all men want?
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Yes, ma'am. A Gallup Poll taken in 1995 confirms it. **the three women continue to nip** Ooooh! Youch! Nip it!
SHEREE WHITFIELD - This is definitely, uh, educational.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I didn't go to love medical school for nothin'.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - What's next? Are you going to ask us to clip your cuticles with our teeth while we hum the theme from "The Neverending Story?"
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - No. That's just ridiculous.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - Oh.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - What "The Loooove Doctor" really wanted to show you sad lonelies is how a man likes to watch Airplane! while his woman scratches his tushie with pale pink acrylics, but the Norcross Courtyard by Marriott doesn't have a VCR.
BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN - What about red acrylics?
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Nope. Too hoochie. Ok, one final thing. Sheree Whitfield, please open this bottle of ketchup and pour it all over my bare feet.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - What?
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Do it. A woman shouldnt be asking her man questions.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - You know what I think? I think you're just making us do stuff that YOU like.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Huh? Naw, baby, this is stuff ALL black men like. Trust. Now massage that ketchup deeeeep into my foot wrinkles. Right there on the bottom. Oh yeah.
SHEREE WHITFIELD - Fuck this. I could meet a better man at Payless Shoes. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna buy anything from there.
**all the beautiful black women storm out**
NORCROSS COURTYARD BY MARRIOTT GENERAL MANAGER - Uh, Dr. Love?
TIY-E MUHAMMAD - It's "The Loooooove Doctor."
NORCROSS COURTYARD BY MARRIOTT GENERAL MANAGER - Sorry, "The Loooooove Doctor." I hate to bother you, but, technically, you reserved this room for another hour. You still have to pay us for it. Like, now.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - You like ketchup?
NORCROSS COURTYARD BY MARRIOTT GENERAL MANAGER - Hate it.
DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - You don't know shit. Here's your money in quarters. Now leave me alone.
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