The therapists introduce the couples...
THERAPIST LADY - Let's find out why you're all here.
THERAPIST DUDE - Besides a free vacation to the third most-visited island in the western portion of the Florida Keys, am I right? HAHAHAHAHA! **nobody laughs**
YARA - Chovy and me have a problem. Big problem.
JOVI - When I eat her borscht my canines swell to twice their original size.
ANGELA - Damn. That's big.
YARA - Yes, there is that. But it's more that you want another baby.
JOVI - What's the big deal? Ween goes in, baby comes out, you do everything to care for baby while I scuba dive in another continent for four months at a time.
YARA - Chovy does not understand that I need time after healing from some very minor outpatient surgery.
BIG ED - **stares at Yara's chest** Not so minor anymore.
THERAPIST LADY - On behalf of Warner Brothers legal team, let's change the subject immediately.
The focus turns to Kalani and Asuelu...
THERAPIST LADY - Kalani, what's your beef with Asuelu?
KALANI - More like ROAST beef. Asuelu got a yeastie from a Polynesian poonunners.
MOLLY - Oh no. Oh no.
KELLY - I think I feel my conch fritter coming back up.
LIZ - My ears.
JOVI - My teeth.
BIG ED - **whispers in Asuelu's ear**
ASUELU - I was conducting tests on whether the probiotics in frozen yogurt samples have a negative effect on vaginal health.
KALANI - Hey Semi-Cyrano. I know my simple husband could never come up with that excuse on his own.
BIG ED - I tried.
KALANI - Asuelu gave me a hall pass. I met a guy on social media and we kissed.
THERAPIST DUDE - that's not so bad.
KALANI - then we did oral.
THERAPIST LADY - I mean ... could be worse!
KALANI - Then we did vaginal
THERAPIST DUDE - Well, we can still get past that.
KALANI - Then we did anal.
THERAPIST LADY - Oh.
KALANI - Then we did astral.
THERAPIST DUDE - ok, I've never even heard of that
KALANI - Then we did -
THERAPIST LADY - THANK YOU, Kalani, for your candor. Extreme, explicit, sometimes disgusting candor.
ASUELU - Was he better than me?
KALANI - I don't think you want the answer to that.
ASUELU - Please tell me.
KALANI - Yes. In every way humanly possible.
ASUELU - **bursts into tears**
THERAPIST DUDE - Let it out, buddy. **rubs Asuelu's back** Straight from the boohole.
The focus turns to Molly and Kelly...
MOLLY - Kelly used to have a job up in New York. Then he moved to Atlanta, and now he's always talkin' 'bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.
THERAPIST DUDE - Did you just... quote TLC's No Scrubs?
MOLLY - **proudly** Yes. Yes, I did.
KELLY - None of that is true! I'm up in her titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color!
THERAPIST LADY - Is that true, Molly? Is he up in your titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color?
MOLLY - HE CAN'T EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CRUSHED ROSE AND BLUSHING SALMON!!!!!!!!!
**awkward silence**
THERAPIST DUDE - I don't know if this one can be saved, to be honest.
The focus turns to Big Ed and Liz...
BIG ED - We are moving to Arkansas.
THERAPIST DUDE - I agree that that's a valid reason to seek therapy.
The focus turns to Angela...
THERAPIST LADY - Angela, you're here alone. This is a couples retreat.
ANGELA - not totally alone. I brought divorce papers.
THERAPIST DUDE - Divorce papers are not a person.
ANGELA - What about an iPad with a person FaceTiming from it?
THERAPIST LADY - No.
ANGELA - What about a picture of Michael doing the BJ for real in a Toyota Corolla in an alley in Lagos?
THERAPIST LADY - More compelling. But still no.
ANGELA - Can I stay if I start shit with other cast members?
THERAPIST LADY - Girl, yes. Jesus. Lead with that next time.
THE END.
