Tuesday, August 15, 2023

90 Day: The Last Resort, Episode 1 - The Last Chance

The therapists introduce the couples...

THERAPIST LADY - Let's find out why you're all here. 

THERAPIST DUDE - Besides a free vacation to the third most-visited island in the western portion of the Florida Keys, am I right? HAHAHAHAHA! **nobody laughs**

YARA - Chovy and me have a problem. Big problem.

JOVI - When I eat her borscht my canines swell to twice their original size.

ANGELA - Damn. That's big. 

YARA - Yes, there is that.  But it's more that you want another baby.

JOVI - What's the big deal? Ween goes in, baby comes out, you do everything to care for baby while I scuba dive in another continent for four months at a time.

YARA - Chovy does not understand that I need time after healing from some very minor outpatient surgery. 

BIG ED - **stares at Yara's chest**  Not so minor anymore. 

THERAPIST LADY - On behalf of Warner Brothers legal team, let's change the subject immediately. 

The focus turns to Kalani and Asuelu...

THERAPIST LADY - Kalani, what's your beef with Asuelu?

KALANI - More like ROAST beef. Asuelu got a yeastie from a Polynesian poonunners.

MOLLY - Oh no. Oh no.

KELLY - I think I feel my conch fritter coming back up.

LIZ - My ears. 

JOVI - My teeth. 

BIG ED - **whispers in Asuelu's ear**

ASUELU - I was conducting tests on whether the probiotics in frozen yogurt samples have a negative effect on vaginal health.

KALANI - Hey Semi-Cyrano. I know my simple husband could never come up with that excuse on his own.

BIG ED - I tried.

KALANI - Asuelu gave me a hall pass. I met a guy on social media and we kissed.

THERAPIST DUDE  - that's not so bad.

KALANI then we did oral.

THERAPIST LADY - I mean ... could be worse! 

KALANI - Then we did vaginal

THERAPIST DUDE  - Well, we can still get past that.

KALANI - Then we did anal.


KALANI - Then we did astral.

THERAPIST DUDE  - ok, I've never even heard of that 

KALANI - Then we did - 

THERAPIST LADY - THANK YOU, Kalani, for your candor. Extreme, explicit, sometimes disgusting candor. 

ASUELU  - Was he better than me?

KALANI I don't think you want the answer to that.

ASUELU - Please tell me.

KALANI Yes. In every way humanly possible.

ASUELU - **bursts into tears**

THERAPIST DUDE - Let it out, buddy. **rubs Asuelu's back** Straight from the boohole. 

The focus turns to Molly and Kelly...

MOLLY - Kelly used to have a job up in New York. Then he moved to Atlanta, and now he's always talkin' 'bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.

THERAPIST DUDE - Did you just... quote TLC's No Scrubs?

MOLLY - **proudly** Yes. Yes, I did. 

KELLY - None of that is true! I'm up in her titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color!

THERAPIST LADY  - Is that true, Molly? Is he up in your titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color?


**awkward silence**

THERAPIST DUDE - I don't know if this one can be saved, to be honest.

The focus turns to Big Ed and Liz...

BIG ED - We are moving to Arkansas. 

THERAPIST DUDE - I agree that that's a valid reason to seek therapy. 

The focus turns to Angela...

THERAPIST LADY - Angela, you're here alone. This is a couples retreat.

ANGELA - not totally alone. I brought divorce papers.

THERAPIST DUDE  - Divorce papers are not a person.

ANGELA - What about an iPad with a person FaceTiming from it?


ANGELA - What about a picture of Michael doing the BJ for real in a Toyota Corolla in an alley in Lagos?

THERAPIST LADY  - More compelling. But still no.

ANGELA - Can I stay if I start shit with other cast members?

THERAPIST LADY - Girl, yes. Jesus. Lead with that next time.


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