Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 5 - "Where The Red Team Blows"

The Red Team resembles a horror film from the 90s - the black guy is always the first to go.

TJ LAVIN - Chet, you gotta go.

CHET - It wasn't me. That coat closet made itself into a makeshift Mormon temple.

TJ LAVIN  - No, not that. Your doctor says that you'll never be able to walk again.

CHET - Oh yeah? Could a person who'll never be able to walk again do THIS? **tries to stand up, falls** Shit.

TJ LAVIN - Remember the waiver you signed that says you have no legal recourse after we ask you to risk life and limb for mindless entertainment. Bye now! Take care!

CHET - Bye! **wheels away in purple wheelchair**

TJ LAVIN - Ok, in honor of Chet, today's challenge is going to focus on balls.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Oh, TJ... you and your puns.

TJ LAVIN - It's not a pun.

TYLER - I've died and gone to heaven.

TJ LAVIN - Dudes, whip 'em out. Ladies, touch 'em.

EMILY - But how do we win?

TJ LAVIN - It's ball fondling. Everybody wins.

TYLER - Does Luke count as a lady for the purpose of this challenge?


TYLER - Double died and gone to heaven.

**everybody gets to work**

BRANDON - **wakes up an hour later and walks out on the lawn** Good morning! Whoa! What the fuck is going on here, and why wasn't I told about it?

TJ LAVIN - It's the ball fondling challenge. I guess your teammates didn't want you to fondle their balls.

DUNBAR - Sorry, dude. Nothing personal.

BRAD - We think you're a strong competitor, but it's just your time.

CAMILA - You just didn't perform well in the last challenge. **breaks glass in her hand, licks a shard**

TJ LAVIN - I know I'm the host and I'm supposed to stay neutral, but I think not waking up Brandon to allow him an opportunity to partake in the ball fondling challenge is wack.

TYLER - Me too, to be honest.

TORI - But Brandon's not married to another teammate, so what happens to him shouldn't really matter.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Shut up, bitch.

BRAD - That's my wife, yo.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Sorry. Don't kill me.

BRAD - It's ok. I kind of agree.

BRANDON - I don't get why y'all are always hating on me. Haven't I been a good friend? A good teammate? A good lover?

TYLER - Yes, yes, and definitely yes.

MELINDA - It's cuz you're black.

**everybody gasps**

MELINDA - Just me? Whoops.

BRANDON - It's alright, Melinda. I appreciate your honesty. The MTV Challenge is like a 90s horror movie - the black guy is always the first to go.

PAULA - That's not true. We just want you to be the first to go.

BRANDON - Great. Thanks. Well, since I'm finally here, can I participate?

TJ LAVIN - Sorry, everybody's already paired up.

DERRICK - Not true. Abram fainted after Cara Maria took a bite of his taint. She needs a new partner.

TJ LAVIN - Jump in there, Brandon. And if you manage to stay conscious, we'll see you in the gulag. Again.

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