Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 4 - "House of Cards"

Patti Stanger helps client Sean find a woman who hasn't discovered feminism yet.

PATTI STANGER - So, Sean, what are you looking for in a woman? If you want a middle-aged Jewess with a foul mouth and a raging case of IBS, look no further.

SEAN - Thanks, but I'll pass. What I really want is an Asian girl.

PATTI STANGER - The rumors about how Asian women are "down there" are false. Trust me.

SEAN - Tell me about it.

PATTI STANGER - I know, right?

SEAN - No, really. Tell me about it.

PATTI STANGER - Moving on. So you got a bit o' the yellow fever?

SEAN - That's racist. But yes. I'd prefer one who hasn't discovered feminism yet.

PATTI STANGER - I can give you one out of two.

SEAN - Seriously? My mom's friend Cheryl could kick your ass in this matchmaking thing.

PATTI STANGER - Does your mom's friend Cheryl have a television show?

SEAN - Point taken. One out of two, then.

PATTI STANGER - Great. Sean, this is Mrs. Weinberger, an 86-year-old widow from Flushing.

SEAN - Hello. Is she a seamstress? I have a hole in my Dickie's I need patched up.

PATTI STANGER - No, she's your date.


SEAN - But she's not Asian.

PATTI STANGER - Good eye. She meets your second criteria, though - she hasn't discovered feminism. In fact, she hasn't discovered anything since1963, when her husband died from a bad batch of Ovaltine and she holed herself up in her first floor bathroom..

MRS. WEINBERGER - Can we stop at Gimbles? I need a new rabbit stole if we're gonna go anywhere fancy.

PATTI STANGER  - Gimbles closed in 1987, Mrs. Weinberger.

MRS. WEINBERGER - Who's this sailor fella?

SEAN - Tattoos are an artistic statement nowadays.

MRS. WEINBERGER - You know what else is an artistic statement? The ladybug wallpaper in my bathroom, where I should be right now instead of talking to ugly sailors.

SEAN - Ouch. Um, let's duck into this fusion joint. I hear they have great kimchi.

MRS. WEINBERGER - Kim Chee? She was paralyzed in the polio outbreak of 1952. Thanks for bringing it up, jerk. Patti, can I leave? I think I hear my padded toilet seat calling.

PATTI STANGER - Just give this place a shot, Mrs. Weinberger. It's important to try new things.

MRS. WEINBERGER - That's what my husband said before we did the thing that landed me in my bathroom for fifty years.  

SEAN  - Here, Mrs. Weinberger, taste this spicy salmon roll.

MRS. WEINBERGER - If you think I'm putting anything prepared by Sneaky Japs in my mouth, you're crazier than Betty Friedan.

SEAN - Whoa! Sneaky Japs? Did she really just say that?

PATTI STANGER - You want someone who hasn't discovered feminism? Chances are they don't know about any kind of "ism".

MRS. WEINBERGER - Who's Ism? **lights up a Virginia Slim** She sounds like a bitch. 

WAITER - Excuse me. You can't smoke in here.

MRS. WEINBERGER - Hahaha. You're funny. I didn't know the Spanish could be so funny.

SEAN - No, really. The state-wide ban went into effect in 2003.

MRS. WEINBERGER - No wonder why I haven't gotten off my toilet in fifty years. It's no fun out here.

SEAN - Um, I'm going to go make a phone call real quick. If I'm not back in an hour, don't wait up.

PATTI STANGER - Don't go, Sean. You haven't seen Mrs. Weinberger's denture trick yet.

SEAN - I get it, Patti. Lesson learned. If I want to date a woman in 2010, she's going to be "modern."

PATTI STANGER - I wasn't trying to teach you a lesson. Mrs. Weinberger hasn't had sex in four decades. I want to help her out.

MRS. WEINBERGER - There are tumbleweeds in there.

SEAN - I've done stranger things, that's for sure. Mrs. Weinberger, you got a condom?

MRS. WEINBERGER - Oh sure. When I get a break from turning tricks in Times Square, I'll grab one. Punk.

PATTI STANGER  - Nice women didn't use condoms in 1963, Sean. I think you've offended her.

SEAN - I'm sorry, Mrs. Weinberger. We don't need a condom.  

MRS. WEINBERGER - Forget it. I'm going back to the toilet, where I'm comfortable and the pretty wallpaper ladybugs talk to me. **leaves**

SEAN - So what now?

PATTI STANGER - Any second thoughts about that middle-aged Jewess with a foul mouth and a raging case of IBS?

SEAN - Not gonna happen.

PATTI STANGER - It was worth a shot.

No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal