Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 5 - "I Would Never Say That"

Somewhat-respectable thespian Kelsey Grammer tosses dignity aside to appear on a stupid reality show.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Lilith, be a dear and fetch me some rosé.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Who's Lilith?

KELSEY GRAMMER - You. My ex-wife.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - My name is Camille. And I'm your current wife.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - **under breath** Not for loooong... 




CAMILLE GRAMMER - Are you feeling ok, honey?

KELSEY GRAMMER - Never better. My new sideburns are indicative of my optimal health and stamina. So, about that rosé... Can Daphne pour me a glass or twelve?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - There's nobody on our house staff named Daphne. There's Jerry, Tina, Logan, Bree, Steph, Yusef... Frankly, not nearly enough to keep this ramshackle 3500-square-foot shitbox running smoothly.

KELSEY GRAMMER -  Goddamn it. Maybe Niles will go down to the pub with me.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Is Niles a new friend?

KELSEY GRAMMER - He's my brother, idiot.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - You don't have a brother.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - Fuck, Lilith! We've had 13 years of connubial bliss, and you don't know about Niles?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - What's connubial? I went to Club MTV instead of college.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Nevermind. My producer Roz is always DTP. And DTF, for that matter. I'll call her up.

CAMILLE GRAMMER  - Hey, Logan? Before you bathe the children and tie my Converse (double-knotted, please), can you tell me what the hell is up with Kelsey?

LOGAN (House staff) - Oh, he's in one of his moods when he thinks the characters from Frasier are real.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I've never seen the show, sooo...

LOGAN - Yeah. Emmy winner. Real famous. Check it out sometime.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Can someone on my staff talk him down?

LOGAN - Maybe you should try it this time. Being his spouse and all.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - See? This is what I meant about having to put in thirty percent extra. Russell Armstrong would never have enough personality to need to be talked down.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Eddie! Want a biscuit, Eddie?

LOGAN - Oh, also remind him that he hates that dog.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Honey, you are not Frasier Crane. You are a real, flesh and blood ATM of a man, who's going to make my show in development at Nickleodeon come to life. You are Kelsey Grammer. **snaps her fingers**

KELSEY GRAMMER  - Where's Frederick? He'll never get into the best private school in Boston if he doesn't study his Latin! 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - YOU ARE KELSEY GRAMMER, STAR OF STAGE AND SMALL SCREEN! **snaps her fingers again** 

KELSEY GRAMMER - W-where am I?

CAMILLE GRAMMER -You were having an episode. Of "Frasier".

KELSEY GRAMMER - I didn't mention anything about getting my mistress pregnant, did I?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - No.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Phew.

KYLE RICHARDS - **busts down the door with her hair** I flew all the way from LAX on Virgin America, which is fantastic, by the way, to tell you that I did not say those things! I would never say those things!

KELSEY GRAMMER - Oh, hello there, magnificent creature. Has anyone ever told you you're a Brooke Shields-Demi Moore hybrid?

KYLE RICHARDS - Many, many times.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I heard what you said, Kyle You asked lots of questions about my vacation. I felt like I was at Guantanamo!

KELSEY GRAMMER - Are you saying Kyle tied you up and... did things to you? Do tell us more.

KYLE RICHARDS  - I was trying to be friendly. You're being insecure.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Insecure? Would an insecure person show their breasts to a room full of Bravo cameramen?  **takes off shirt** 

KELSEY GRAMMER  - Oh, now we're getting somewhere!

KYLE RICHARDS - You're a fucking liar, Camille!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Now the Jersey in me is coming out! You can't tawk to me like that! **they roll around on the ground, fighting**.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Hell yeah! **cell phone rings, "Mistress" comes up on caller ID** Hello, darling. A miscarriage? Oh no. That's awful. Well, I'm actually kind of busy. Bye. **takes off clothes, jumps into fighting pile**