Monday, November 15, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 7 - "She Can Dance?"

Tom Bergeron hosts "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent."

TOM BERGERON - Hello, I'm Tom Bergeron, former host of "America's Worst Voice Overs for Videos of Men Getting Kicked in the Penis". Welcome to "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent", which it doesn't, really, other than Jermaine Dupri, and even he's kind of a punchline at this point.

DWIGHT - What about me?

TOM BERGERON - Other than talent for accentuating your faux sock-stuffed bulge with pleather? I don't think so. First up is supermodel Cynthia Bailey, who will be standing while wearing fabric. Take it away, Ms. Bailey!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **stands while wearing fabric. Forces a tight closed-mouth smile** 

TOM BERGERON - Mmmmmk. Very nice. Very nice. Next we have Sheree Whitfield, who, thankfully, will not be talking. Ms. Whitfield will be dancing a rumba.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **wiggle wiggle. wiggle wiggle**  What the - **giant flower on her head starts to grow long tentacles**

TOM BERGERON - Holy shit-balls. The giant flower on Ms. Whitfield's head is attacking her face!


TOM BERGERON - It's dragging her off the stage, much like the repo men dragged away her Aston Martin!


TOM BERGERON - Oh well. Moving on. Kim Zolciak will be doing what she has called "singing." And I will be doing what I have called "covering my ears with my hands so my hearing is impaired."

KIM ZOLCIAK - Thanks, Tom. Are there any curtains here? Curtains to hide the sight of me straining to make melodic sounds with my mouth? 

KANDI BURRUSS - Just do it, girl. 

KIM ZOLCIAK - But the song's too high. My cigarette is wilting at these high notes.

KANDI BURRUSS- Stop stalling! 

KIM ZOLCIAK - Fine. Here goes nothing.

NENE LEAKES - It's something, alright. Something awful. BAM!

KIM ZOLCIAK- Here's a little ditty I just cooked up, inspired by Atlanta Falcons defensive end Kroy Biermann. Ahem.

Kroy, your ass can be my toy.
Kroy, that bootie make me wish I was a gay boy.
Kroy, I will caress that fat tushie and -
TOM BERGERON - OK! That's enough of that! Let's take a break. Papa Smurf over there just passed out.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - His name is Peter! 

KIM ZOLCIAK - But I haven't even started singing about the butt plug I plan on using -

TOM BERGERON - Thank you, Kim Zolciak! Next up is Kandi Burruss, whose talent is to tweak that last song so it doesn't make computers blow up when it's played on itunes.

KANDI BURRUSS - Whoooooa, the ring didn't mean a thing to youuuuu! **pushes some buttons, song comes out in Lawrence's voice**

TOM BERGERON  - Wow. Now THAT is talent. To make this come out of  **points at Kim** that. Next, Nene Leakes claims she's been moonlighting as a stand-up comedian. Let's see how she compares to my personal favorite, Paula Poundstone. 

NENE LEAKES - Thank you, Tom. Isn't he great, ladies and gentlemen? Now let's get to talking about Kroy Biermann. I mean, Kroy? What the fuck kinda made-up name is that? Is there no "T" in yo momma's alphabet?

KROY BIERMANN - It's a family name.

NENE LEAKES - Then yo family's stupid. BAM!

TOM BERGERON - **grabs the microphone from Nene** Is nothing sacred? You've tarnished the fine industry that introduced the legendary Paula Poundstone to the world.

NENE LEAKES - Sorry, Tom.

TOM BERGERON - Please take a seat. Finally, we have Phaedra Parks,  whose talent is lying a lot.

PHAEDRA PARKS -  Girl, this baby needs to come up out of here. The doctor says the sooner it gets some penis ointment, the better, so he's gonna induce me at four months.


PHAEDRA PARKS -  Who, me? Would the black Scarlett O'hara tell an untruth? Some babies come from such advanced vessels that they're ready far ahead of "average" babies. He'll also probably graduate high school early and start pooping on the toilet at three months.

TOM BERGERON - Totally believable story. Nice work. Ok, we've flown Simon Cowell all the way in from London to judge this contest.

SIMON COWELL - I can't believe I took a break from banging hot English chicks to come to this crap fest.

TOM BERGERON - Hot English chicks? Do they exist? 

SIMON COWELL - Fuck you, Bergeron, you second-rate Saget. 

TOM BERGERON - I'm going to ignore that. So, who's the winner of this so-called "crap-fest"?

SIMON COWELL - Kim Zolciak. I like her boobs.

TOM BERGERON  - I have a feeling this isn't the first time Kim's boobs have helped her come out on top in a crap fest. I hear Big Poppa's one kinky dude.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Thanks, Simon. This trophy of a miniature Varsity hot dog stand will have a permanent place behind the life-size naked portrait of me in my new office. **someone from the crowd throws a live animal at Kim, which knocks off her wig** Not cool. Not cool. 

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