Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 5 - "Dateapause"

Sky Nellor once made a Vegemite sandwich while spinning house music for a room full of Japanese investors.

SKY NELLOR - Sky Nellor on the ones and twos. A-wiki-wiki-wiki-wiki! **pantomimes scratching records**

KEVIN - Lemme guess... you're a DJ.

SKY NELLOR - Yes! That's amazing! **blows air horn**

KEVIN - And Stacy... you must be a model. And an actress. And a host. And a lifestyle coach.

STACY KESSLER - Wow! How did you know? My good looks and vivacious charm?

KEVIN - You told me. Three times.

STACY KESSLER - Oh. Does anyone else see that bird sitting on the table? Looks just like E.T.

KEVIN - Nope. Just you.

SKY NELLOR - More shrimp on the barbie, mate?

KEVIN - Um, sure. More shrimp would be great.

STACY KESSLER - I'll have some, too. We model-slash-actresses-slash-hosts-slash-lifestyle coaches just love our grilled shellfish.

KEVIN - Well, I'm so glad to be eating barbecued shrimp with you two semi-attractive cougs.

SKY NELLOR - Indeed. So, Stacy.... what do you have to offer Kevin? I, for one, have given gobbies to Jamie Foxx, Will.i.Am, and Jerry Van Dyke.

STACY KESSLER - Well, I had a bit role as a dominatrix in the 2010 Brazilian film "Midnight Girl."

SKY NELLOR - Well, I know how to make a Vegemite sandwich while spinning house music for a room full of Japanese investors!

STACY KESSLER - Well, I was issued a US passport without ever disclosing my age!

SKY NELLOR - Well, I once played in a tennis tournament with Paul Hogan and Greg Norman, and kicked both their asses!

STACY KESSLER - Well, I pushed four kids out of my vagina, and then wrote a memoir about it that got turned down by a small publishing house in Ontario!

SKY NELLOR - Ok. You got me beat with that one.

KEVIN - Will you ladies excuse me for a second? Nature calls.**walks over to Patti, who's hiding in the bushes with binoculors**

PATTI STANGER - Whoa, these things make camel toes really come alive.

KEVIN - Patti, can I talk to you in private?

PATTI STANGER - Sure. Let's go stand in front of these five cameramen.

KEVIN - This whole triple-date thing isn't really working out.

PATTI STANGER - Most men would kill to be on a date with an Adrien Brody-fucker and a 46-year-old divorced mother of four.

KEVIN - I know, I should be grateful. But it's really awkward. They keep trying to one-up each other.

PATTI STANGER - Here, have a sniff of this popper.

KEVIN - The drug gay men inhale in clubs?

PATTI STANGER - And you know about this how?

KEVIN - Wikipedia.

PATTI STANGER - Sure. Anyway, have a sniff and go back to the table.

KEVIN - K.  **sniffs** WOOOOOHOOOO! I am ready to FUCK!

PATTI STANGER - Alkyl nitrates has worked  miracles for three generations of Stanger matchmakers.

KEVIN - **goes back to the table** What do you guys say we to the Westin Diplomat Hollywood Beach, have a threesome on the tennis court, then fly to Barbados, have a threesome in a submarine, and then fly back to New York, and have a foursome with Patti on her desk?



KEVIN - Patti, how can I ever thank you?

PATTI STANGER - Give me the first round of the foursome. I don't do well with sloppy seconds. Or thirds, but the alliteration doesn't sound as cool.

KEVIN - Deal.

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