Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 7 - "Hell Hath No Fury"

Laurel has known true despair, for she has loved Cara Maria.

DERRICK - I've got the best birthday prank to pull on Dunbar.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Play his Playboy TV porn in every TV in the house while everyone's sleeping?

DERRICK - There are no TVs in the house.


DERRICK - What we'll do is... we'll sneak up on him and the others while they soak in the hot tub...

JOHNNY BANANAS - Loving it, loving it...

DERRICK - And then....

JOHNNY BANANAS - I'm listening, I'm listening...

DERRICK - We'll ambush them with pretty throw pillows!!!!!


TJ LAVIN - Sorry to interrupt, bros, but it's time to discuss today's challenge. Ooooh, those are really pretty throw pillows.


TJ LAVIN - Gorgeous. Ok, so your task for today is to shimmy up this rope while a strange Czech midget is attached to your leg.

LAUREL - Can Cara Maria serve as a substitute for a strange Czech midget?

TJ LAVIN - If she can stand on her knees and speak Czech, sure. I think she's already got the strange part covered.

CARA MARIA - Děkuji.

TJ LAVIN - You're welcome. Ready, set, SHIMMY!

LAUREL - Ok, Gothy GothFace, strap yourself to my ankle.

CARA MARIA - Good thing I always carry these leather spiked cuffs.

ABRAM - **winks** Yeah, baby.

LAUREL - Austin Powers quotes? Really? Alright, strap yourself to me.

CARA MARIA - With pleasure.

LAUREL - You mean that?

CARA MARIA - It's just something people say.

**they start shimmying, Cara Maria starts to falter**

LAUREL - You are the worst fucking competitor! **strokes Cara Maria's arm** But your skin is so soft.

CARA MARIA - Huh? Shit, I'm slipping!

LAUREL - I mean it! You wear weird clothes and have difficulty completing the simplest tasks! **sniffs Cara Maria's hair** But you smell like cherry Ludens. Mmmmm...

CARA MARIA - Help me, Laurel!

LAUREL - Ugh, I'm always helping YOU out. But what have you ever done for me, besides introduce me to unrequited love and hopelessness?  **they reach the top of the rope and ring the bell**

CARA MARIA - We did it!

LAUREL - YES! **reaches out to hug Cara Maria, but she is already on the ground, embracing Abram**

ABRAM - Great work, lover! I picked this beautiful flower for you. **they start kissing, Cara Maria whips more bondage gear out of her pockets**

SARAH -  Those are some deep-ass pockets. And not in the figurative financial wealth sense. They're just really deep pockets.

LAUREL**sighs heavily** I know. I make fun, but, she's just so damn interesting. Czech phrases of gratitude? Red highlights wrapped around plastic skulls? Deep pockets filled with sex toys?

SARAH - And not just any sex toys. BDSM sex toys.

LAUREL - Always the lesbian bridesmaid, never the lesbian bride. That's my life in a nutshell. How did I get into this nutshell? SHIT! Now I'm quoting Austin Powers. I hate my life.

SARAH - It'll happen. Cheer up.

PAULA - I couldn't help but overheard the word "lesbian". I'll roll around on the ground naked with you, if you want.

LAUREL - Really? You're... one of us?

PAULA - No, but there are cameras around, and I need them to be pointed on me. Remember Jacquese, from San Diego?


PAULA - Exactly. Paula Walnuts will be immortal.

**they roll around on the ground naked, but it turns out the camera guys are on break, playing Scrabble Slam in the production room while drinking Four Loko. It's still legal in Europe.**

PAULA - For the love of Aiiiya, where the hell are those guys?

LAUREL - It doesn't matter. We have each other now. Your skin is so soft. And your hair smells like fresh Clairol Nice N' Easy. Mmmmm...

PAULA - Ew. Get off of me.


DERRICK & JOHNNY BANANAS - **pop out from behind the couch and throw cotton balls and other soft items at the women** LESBIAN AMBUSH!

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