Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 6 - "Cinderella and Moondoggie Walk into a Bar..."

Patti Stanger thinks the Bahamas and other tropical locales are childish, and that
"grown ups" should only live in places that suck.

Patti meets PJ at her office...

PATTI STANGER - Ew, you're 43? More like 49. ZING!

PJ MARKS - Wow. Good one. You're on fire today.

PATTI STANGER - Thanks. So my point is, you look six years older than you claim, even though I worked it into a punchline format.

PJ MARKS - Move over Lisa Lampanelli.

PATTI STANGER - Don't fuck with me.

PJ MARKS - Sorry.

PATTI STANGER - What else should I know about you, besides that your mother's father had androgenetic alopecia and you smell vaguely of smoked salmon?

PJ MARKS - Well, I have millions and millions of dollars, and live a Corona commercial of a life in the Bahamas.


PATTI STANGER - You think you're Rhianna or something?

PJ MARKS - Who?

PATTI STANGER - See? So old and out of touch.

DESTIN - Uh, Rhianna's actually from Barbados.

PATTI STANGER - Shut up, Destin. So, PJ, you live on the beach, have fun, and enjoy yourself. In other words, you never grew up.

PJ MARKS - But I'm the guy people who go to Jimmy Buffet concerts are trying to be.

PATTI STANGER - Nope. Adults are resigned to mind-numbing routine and fall asleep before Conan. Laughter and pleasure is for children.

PJ MARKS - Then why would anyone ever want to grow up?

PATTI STANGER - Because the only people who find love are those with an aura of despair with a dash of dying dreams. Here, put on these pleated khakis.

PJ MARKS - Fine. You're the pro...

PATTI STANGER - That's right, with a 2.4% success rate. And start playing this Colbie Caillat CD in your car.

PJ MARKS - I have an Ipod.

PATTI STANGER - Oh, you some kind of urban 20-something hipster? Take the damn CD like a grown-up.

PJ MARKS - Ok. I could also borrow my mom's Michael Buble DVD.

PATTI STANGER - Now you're getting it!

PJ MARKS - And I could get a single-family up in Boca, purchase produce exclusively at Whole Foods, and line my shelves with Mitch Albom books.

PATTI STANGER - Perfect! Oh god, yes! Keep talking!

PJ MARKS - And the only "tropical" thing I'll come into contact with from now on is the Coconut Sampler at Bahama Breeze!

PATTI STANGER - YES YES YES YES!

PJ MARKS - And I'll start coaching youth soccer, even though I don't have children and it's kind of creepy!

PATTI STANGER - Take me. TAKE ME NOW!

AMY - **enters**  Hi, Patti! I'm here! Is this the guy you've been wanting me to meet?

PATTI STANGER - Shit. Amy, PJ. PJ, Amy.

PJ MARKS - What a "stone cold fox"! See? I can do this middle-age thing.

PATTI STANGER - Amy, don't bother with this guy. He's lame.

AMY - But you said we'd be perfect for each other.

PJ MARKS - And you told me the only way I'd find love is to grow up and start liking crappy music. **sings** It starts in my tooooes, and I crinkle my noooose...

PATTI STANGER - I'm lying. His new middle-age chic is giving me a middle-age lady boner. I want him for myself.

AMY - Why didn't you say so before I flew all the way from South Florida? I had to sit next to a shedding Hasid. **pulls a long curly hair off of her sweater**

PATTI STANGER - Because he used to have joy in his life. He was really immature then.

PJ MARKS - It's true. Patti changed me.

AMY - Take him. I fucking hate Colbie Caillat.

PJ MARKS -  **sings** It starts in my tooooes, and I crinkle my noooose...

DESTIN - Seriously. Stop.