Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 6 - "Cinderella and Moondoggie Walk into a Bar..."

Patti Stanger thinks the Bahamas and other tropical locales are childish, and that
"grown ups" should only live in places that suck.

Patti meets PJ at her office...

PATTI STANGER - Ew, you're 43? More like 49. ZING!

PJ MARKS - Wow. Good one. You're on fire today.

PATTI STANGER - Thanks. So my point is, you look six years older than you claim, even though I worked it into a punchline format.

PJ MARKS - Move over Lisa Lampanelli.

PATTI STANGER - Don't fuck with me.

PJ MARKS - Sorry.

PATTI STANGER - What else should I know about you, besides that your mother's father had androgenetic alopecia and you smell vaguely of smoked salmon?

PJ MARKS - Well, I have millions and millions of dollars, and live a Corona commercial of a life in the Bahamas.

PATTI STANGER - You think you're Rhianna or something?


PATTI STANGER - See? So old and out of touch.

DESTIN - Uh, Rhianna's actually from Barbados.

PATTI STANGER - Shut up, Destin. So, PJ, you live on the beach, have fun, and enjoy yourself. In other words, you never grew up.

PJ MARKS - But I'm the guy people who go to Jimmy Buffet concerts are trying to be.

PATTI STANGER - Nope. Adults are resigned to mind-numbing routine and fall asleep before Conan. Laughter and pleasure is for children.

PJ MARKS - Then why would anyone ever want to grow up?

PATTI STANGER - Because the only people who find love are those with an aura of despair with a dash of dying dreams. Here, put on these pleated khakis.

PJ MARKS - Fine. You're the pro...

PATTI STANGER - That's right, with a 2.4% success rate. And start playing this Colbie Caillat CD in your car.

PJ MARKS - I have an Ipod.

PATTI STANGER - Oh, you some kind of urban 20-something hipster? Take the damn CD like a grown-up.

PJ MARKS - Ok. I could also borrow my mom's Michael Buble DVD.

PATTI STANGER - Now you're getting it!

PJ MARKS - And I could get a single-family up in Boca, purchase produce exclusively at Whole Foods, and line my shelves with Mitch Albom books.

PATTI STANGER - Perfect! Oh god, yes! Keep talking!

PJ MARKS - And the only "tropical" thing I'll come into contact with from now on is the Coconut Sampler at Bahama Breeze!


PJ MARKS - And I'll start coaching youth soccer, even though I don't have children and it's kind of creepy!


AMY - **enters**  Hi, Patti! I'm here! Is this the guy you've been wanting me to meet?

PATTI STANGER - Shit. Amy, PJ. PJ, Amy.

PJ MARKS - What a "stone cold fox"! See? I can do this middle-age thing.

PATTI STANGER - Amy, don't bother with this guy. He's lame.

AMY - But you said we'd be perfect for each other.

PJ MARKS - And you told me the only way I'd find love is to grow up and start liking crappy music. **sings** It starts in my tooooes, and I crinkle my noooose...

PATTI STANGER - I'm lying. His new middle-age chic is giving me a middle-age lady boner. I want him for myself.

AMY - Why didn't you say so before I flew all the way from South Florida? I had to sit next to a shedding Hasid. **pulls a long curly hair off of her sweater**

PATTI STANGER - Because he used to have joy in his life. He was really immature then.

PJ MARKS - It's true. Patti changed me.

AMY - Take him. I fucking hate Colbie Caillat.

PJ MARKS -  **sings** It starts in my tooooes, and I crinkle my noooose...

DESTIN - Seriously. Stop.


  1. I need to know what kind of glasses PJ was wearing in the show, not the sunglasses but the eyeglasses!

  2. Armani's.

    wtf is this site and what's with the fake conversation/interview? i never said any of this stuff.


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