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| The Lingerie Script has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the "shittiest piece of self-promotional shit on film" category. |
PATTI STANGER - If you want to make sure a woman isn't a gold-digger, stop buying stuff and see what happens.
FREDDIE MITCHELL - You're blowing my mind here.
PATTI STANGER - In fact, don't even mention that you have money.
FREDDIE MITCHELL - Wow. This is amazing! Do you have a PhD or something?
PATTI STANGER - An associates in matchmaking from U of M. University of Margate.
FREDDIE MITCHELL - I am seriously impressed.
PATTI STANGER - What can I say? My credentials from a non-accredited community college speak for themselves.
Back at Patti's office...
STACY KESSLER - Please apologize to me for yelling that one time.
PATTI STANGER - No.
STACY KESSLER - Do it.
PATTI STANGER - I said no. I don't feel like it.
STACY KESSLER - Then I will walk out of this office and never accept your free matchmaking services again.
PATTI STANGER - Stop being disruptful! You're so disruptful!
STACY KESSLER - I don't think disruptful is a word.
PATTI STANGER - Who are you, Merriam Webster? This is my business. I decide what words exist.
DESTIN - It's true. "Penisitude" is used a lot around here.
STACY KESSLER - What does that even mean?
PATTI STANGER - I'll use it in a sentence. Destin's penisitude is on the funky side today.
STACY KESSLER - Oh, ok. I get it now.
At the screening session...
CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - I write books for dead kids.
DESTIN - Dead kids can't read.
CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - That's a very pessimistic view.
PATTI STANGER- I like you. You're very exotic.
CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - Because I'm not white? That's what makes exotic to you?
PATTI STANGER - You got a problem with that?
CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - Will having a problem with that mean I can't get in to your club?
PATTI STANGER - A duh.
CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - Then no, I don't have a problem with your blatant racism.
PATTI STANGER - Good.
At the mixer...
STACY KESSLER - I love popcorn oil and how you can use beach balls to entice frogs.
PETE - Excuse me?
STACY KESSLER - I said dunkers are my friends.
PETE - This chick is totes ADD.
STACY KESSLER - Huh? Who's ADD? **walks away**
PETE - **to Andrea** Wanna fuck?
STACY KESSLER - Patti, I would like to take Pete on a date. He's a great listener.
PATTI STANGER - No, he's not. And he just asked Andrea if she wants to fuck.
STACY KESSLER - But that just means he's playing hard to get, and wants to obliterate doubts of cheetahs.
PATTI STANGER - What? Listen, how about Eben? I think you should show him a screening of The Lingerie Script. He'll love it.
STACY KESSLER - Ok!
At a screening of The Lingerie Script....
EBEN - I hate it.
STACY KESSLER - What did you say?
EBEN - I said I hate this screening of The Lingerie Script.
STACY KESSLER - Damn you, Patti Stanger!!!
On Freddie Mitchell's date....
ADRIENNE - So I read online that you didn't pay child support.
FREDDIE MITCHELL - Patti says that if you even mention money, you're a gold digging whore.
ADRIENNE - But that's, like, a crime. Would you be angry if I mentioned a murder?
FREDDIE MITCHELL - How the fuck do you know about that?
ADRIENNE - You know what? I gotta go.
PATTI STANGER - University of Margate, your matchmaking associates program has failed me once again.
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