Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Finale - "Fred-Ex Delivers"

The Lingerie Script has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the "shittiest piece of self-promotional shit on film" category.

PATTI STANGER - If you want to make sure a woman isn't a gold-digger, stop buying stuff and see what happens.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - You're blowing my mind here.

PATTI STANGER - In fact, don't even mention that you have money.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - Wow. This is amazing! Do you have a PhD or something?

PATTI STANGER - An associates in matchmaking from U of M. University of Margate.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - I am seriously impressed.

PATTI STANGER - What can I say? My credentials from a non-accredited community college speak for themselves.

Back at Patti's office...

STACY KESSLER  - Please apologize to me for yelling that one time.



PATTI STANGER - I said no. I don't feel like it.

STACY KESSLER - Then I will walk out of this office and never accept your free matchmaking services again.

PATTI STANGER - Stop being disruptful! You're so disruptful!

STACY KESSLER - I don't think disruptful is a word.

PATTI STANGER - Who are you, Merriam Webster? This is my business. I decide what words exist.

DESTIN - It's true. "Penisitude" is used a lot around here.

STACY KESSLER - What does that even mean?

PATTI STANGER - I'll use it in a sentence. Destin's penisitude is on the funky side today.

STACY KESSLER - Oh, ok. I get it now.

At the screening session...

CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - I write books for dead kids.

DESTIN - Dead kids can't read.

CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - That's a very pessimistic view.

PATTI STANGER- I like you. You're very exotic.

CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - Because I'm not white? That's what makes exotic to you?

PATTI STANGER - You got a problem with that?

CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR - Will having a problem with that mean I can't get in to your club?


CHILD BEREAVEMENT AUTHOR  - Then no, I don't have a problem with your blatant racism.


At the mixer...

STACY KESSLER - I love popcorn oil and how you can use beach balls to entice frogs.

PETE - Excuse me?

STACY KESSLER - I said dunkers are my friends.

PETE - This chick is totes ADD.

STACY KESSLER - Huh? Who's ADD? **walks away**

PETE - **to Andrea** Wanna fuck?

STACY KESSLER - Patti, I would like to take Pete on a date. He's a great listener.

PATTI STANGER - No, he's not. And he just asked Andrea if she wants to fuck.

STACY KESSLER - But that just means he's playing hard to get, and wants to obliterate doubts of cheetahs.

PATTI STANGER - What? Listen, how about Eben? I think you should show him a screening of The Lingerie Script. He'll love it.


At a screening of The Lingerie Script....

EBEN - I hate it.

STACY KESSLER - What did you say?

EBEN - I said I hate this screening of The Lingerie Script.

STACY KESSLER - Damn you, Patti Stanger!!!

On Freddie Mitchell's date....

ADRIENNE - So I read online that you didn't pay child support.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - Patti says that if you even mention money, you're a gold digging whore.

ADRIENNE - But that's, like, a crime. Would you be angry if I mentioned a murder?

FREDDIE MITCHELL - How the fuck do you know about that?

ADRIENNE - You know what? I gotta go.

PATTI STANGER - University of Margate, your matchmaking associates program has failed me once again.

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