Thursday, January 13, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - "Turn, Turn, Turn"

Camille shrugs, smirks, and head-bobs her way to a D-to-the-Ivorce.

In an NYC hotel room...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So first Kelsey puts me up in a hotel, and tells me he'd rather I not stay at the apartment.

D.D. - He probably just needs his space before he goes on stage.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - And then each time I tried to call him, we got "disconnected."

D.D. - That's T-Mobile for ya. Always dropping calls.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - But then twenty pizzas arrived at my hotel room, for "Ex-Mrs. Camille Grammer."

D.D. - Kids pulling pranks. You know how kids can be.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So I went to his apartment, and when he opened the door and saw me standing there, he slammed it in my face.

D.D. - That's just method acting. He's getting ready for the angry parts in his play.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Then I kept banging on the door until he finally answered, and he said he hates my stupid whorey face and hopes I die.

D.D. - Hey, know what'll be fun? Yelping divorce attorneys!

At Villa Blanca...
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - It's time to move on to greener pastures, Cedric.

CEDRIC - You mean you want me to do more work in the rose garden? I don't mind, after I've put in my three hours of sunbathing by the pool with a bottle of wine. These pecs won't tan themselves.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - No, that's not what I meant. It was a metaphor. For you to get the hell out of our house.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ken! Cedric is our friend.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Correction. He's your friend. And he can't come to the winery with us, either. I've heard one too many Pinot Noir jokes.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Hehehe. Black penis.


CEDRIC - Fine. I'll go. But first, let me collect all of my belongings. Oh wait - I don't have any belongings because my mom was a French whore who abandoned me in a phone booth.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Cedric, please don't. Ken and I love you.

CEDRIC - May I make just one request? Will you allow me one tin of cat food? I need to get acclimated to my old, and future, diet.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - C'mon, you've been saving up money for over a year!

CEDRIC - Oh, don't worry about little Cedric. I'll be just fine, prostituting myself to closeted Scientologists on Sunset. Like mother, like son.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ken, please. Who am I going to have madcap Laverne & Shirley-type adventures with if he leaves? You? 

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Ugh, fine. Cedric can stay. But for a limited time only.

CEDRIC - Très bien! That reminds me, you need a new pool guy. This one has man boobies and leaves bugs in the filter.

In Kim's sad and lonely house...

RADIO DISNEY HOST - I'm on the phone with Escape to Witch Mountain star and former sex symbol, Kim Richards! How's it going, Kim?

KIM RICHARDS - Former sex symbol?

RADIO DISNEY HOST - You're right. Current sex symbol, for the MILF set.


RADIO DISNEY HOST - I'm afraid that's inappropriate for our radio Disney Listeners.

KIM RICHARDS - Ok, I understand.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - Fine, twist my arm. It stands for "Mom I'd Like to Fuck."

KIM RICHARDS - Wow. I'm flattered. I haven't felt so tingly since Single Gary stopped by with his granddaughter.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - Oh yeah? Tell me more about that. What did Single Gary like to do to you?

KIM RICHARDS - Well, one time, he tried to steal my chicken.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - Oooooooh. Steal your chicken. Keep going.

KIM RICHARDS - And then, he let me buy him a new Hawaiian shirt.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - Oh god, yeah. So he's a sub, huh?

KIM RICHARDS - No, he's never been a teacher.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - Nevermind. So, you ever think about getting back into the business, Kim Richards? I've got a little, uh, "studio", in my basement in Van Nuys...

KIM RICHARDS - I've been hoping to go back into acting, actually.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - Really?! You'd really come to my basement?

KIM RICHARDS - Sure, why not? If there will be a crew with cameras there.

RADIO DISNEY HOST - It'll actually just be my friend Damien with an Iphone. Oh yeah, baby, this will be sooooo hot. Wait... my producer's holding up a sign. It says "You're fired for masturbating and trying to have phone sex while hosting a Radio Disney show." Whoops.

At Farrah's graduation party...

ESTELLA, MAURICIO UMANSKY'S MOM - Since I have two PhDs, both in oral sexual therapy from the University of Mexico, I must tell you, after three minutes of observing you two together, that your marriage needs some serious work.

PAUL NASSIF - Oh yeah? Well, I have a certificate in plastic surgery from a correspondence course, and I feel it is my Hippocratic duty to tell you that you need a mini-facelift.

ESTELLA - Oh yeah? Well, you have big ears and tits.

PAUL NASSIF - Oh yeah? Well, you're old and ugly and I don't even see how an Adonis like Mauricio could have come out of your withered vagina.

ESTELLA - Oh yeah? You stink like oatmeal farts.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - You two are being extremely immature. Now someone help me rearrange the sparkly gold tinsel in my hair.

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