Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jersey Shore- Episode 3- "Where's the Beach?"

Proving that ‘annoyance’ is more than just a state, Snooki takes her lows to new highs…

SNOOKI- Waaahhhh!!! I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to get arrested.

JENNI- Snooks, I told you to keep your legs closed. Sorry,er, your mouth closed. I’m just so used to using the first expression.

24 hours earlier back at the Shore house…

DEENA- I’m so horny.

SNOOKI- Me too.

DEENA- No, like I’m so horny, I’m willing to stoop to a threesome with you and the Sitch.

SNOOKI- Well, I don’t know what’s in this 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch I’m carrying around, but I’m down.

MIKE- I’m down too. I find you both attractive. Except for Deena.

SNOOKI- I’m going to go wash my face, and by wash my face, I mean get a facial from Vinny. Ever seen an elephant use its trunk to clean itself at the zoo?

VINNY- I do have a giant penis. What are you calling it these days, Snooki? Spongebob Squarepants?

SNOOKI- Seabiscuit. He’s like a famous biscuit or something.

MIKE- Well if Snooki’s bailing then I’m going to make the world’s most obvious gesture that I’d rather make love to the lunch meat in the refrigerator than get it in with Snooki 2.

The next morning….

RON- I don’t need this shit. We’re done.

SAMMI- Well I guess I have no choice but to apologize to Nicole and Deena for being such a giant twat then.

RON- Good. Now I can go back to being the Ronnie that everyone liked in Miami- the triple kissing, coke snorting life of the party.

SAMMI- Nicole, I’m sorry for being that stereotypical dumb girl and falling for Ron’s shit. Its not like I have the benefit of seeing exactly what he did to and with other girls when the episodes aired months later.

SNOOKI- You needed to know. I was being a good friend.

SAMMI- Sorry, I couldn’t hear what you said. Do you mind turning off that blender?

SNOOKI- What? Its 9 in the morning. It’s Margarita time!

PAULY- Its t-shirtttt time! No, literally, its time to go sell t-shirts.

SNOOKI- Ok, but I need to get ready for work first.

PAULY- We’ll wait while you change.

SNOOKI- No, I just need to grab this beer bong, these red cups for drinkin in public, and my travel-sized puke bucket.

PAULY D- Yo, Vinny, you like your slampieces like you like your cab drivers- short, smelly, and only half way conscious.

VINNY- You’re really starting to reach with these metaphors.

SNOOKI- You guys are boring me. I’m gonna go grab a coffee, and by grab a coffee, I mean let 53 year old tourists from South Philly do body shots off of me.

JENNI- That’s the classy girl that I know. I’ll follow along and pretend like I’m disappointed in your actions.

DEENA- Me too. I’m nothing if not a useless sidekick to your drunken shenanigans.

SNOOKI- You bitches are the best besties a girl could ever ask for. One of you can hold me upright, while the other holds my hair back.

SAMMI- I wanna be included! I’ll hold your puke bucket!

SNOOKI- Awww, you’re like, so sweet! I’m glad the old Sammi is back- the Sammi that was my bitch, instead of Ron’s.

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