Monday, January 17, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 3

This crazy lady has nice eyebrows.

CHRIS HARRISON - Hello, ladies. The self-promoting folks here at ABC have allowed us to take over this backlot in Burbank.

MICHELLE - Uh oh. Last time I was asked to a backlot in Burbank I ended up conceiving my daughter.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're not filming porn, slutface. We save that for the third week of filming.


CHRIS HARRISON - We're going to recreate action scenes from your favorite sitcoms! Remember when Jim Belushi fought off violent Nepalese monks on According to Jim?


CHRIS HARRISON - Oh, you're so smart because you're a dentist? Try being a real doctor. Anyway, it's time to kick some ass. But in a fake way.

BRAD WOMACK - What? I thought we were going to get to sit around and talk. You know, get to know each other.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. We've got to manufacture drama, what with you being the third boringest person from Texas, next to Jake Pavelka and Selena.

BRAD WOMACK - Selena's dead, dude.

CHRIS HARRISON - I know. That's why she's so boring.

SHAWNTEL - So I'm gonna get to make out with Brad, Sarah Connor-style?

CHRIS HARRISON - Yeah, sure. Rub your sweaty, throbbing bodies against each other on national television, like the class acts that you are. Does Seacrest have to deal with shit like this?

EMILY - Hey, it's me, Emily. I'm hoping to share the entire story of my fiance dying and finding out I was pregnant three whole times this episode.

BRAD WOMACK - Can you also include intimate details about missed periods, pregnancy tests, and cramps?

EMILY - Well, the Friday after my fiance died, I thought I had diarrhea from the Number 3 at Hardees. Wouldn't be the first time. But it turned out, what I thought was intestinal discomfort was actually -

BRAD WOMACK - I, uh, was just being sarcastic.

EMILY - Can I still keep going with my story? I'm really on a roll.

MICHELLE - I'd prefer you not. It's time for me to talk about MY pregnancy story.

BRAD WOMACK - You already mentioned the backlot in Burbank.

MICHELLE - I'm still not 100% sure that's when it happened. There were 72 other possible conception moments that week.

BRAD WOMACK - Stupid therapist Jessie Green, making me indulge in small talk about deaths and pregnancies with women I've just met. Whatever happened to astrological signs?

CHANTAL O - That's actually a very controversial subject. I'm a Gemini now.

MICHELLE - That explains your two-faced personality, trick. Brad needs a real woman. One who draws her eyebrows in with a pencil.

CHANTAL O - Fuck off. I will take you to my dad's car dealership under the guise of letting you test drive a Sentra, but the service team is going to murder you and stuff you in the trunk of an '89 Altima.

CHRIS HARRISON - So that's what happened to Emily after she got eliminated.


BRITNEE - Hey, Brad? There's a third option for awkward small talk - the illegitimate children our dads' had from extramarital affairs. Good times.

MADISON - I don't even have a sob story. That's why I wear these fangs. Gotta stand out somehow.

BRAD WOMACK - Most people just show their boobs n' stuff.

MADISON - Not me. I'm classy. So classy, in fact, that I'm going to take myself out of the running to give a lonely, single mom a shot at the rose.

BRAD WOMACK - In other words, you just came on this show to be on TV and never had any interest in me.

MADISON - Hit the nail right on the head. Peace.

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