Friday, February 11, 2011

Jersey Shore Episode 20 - "Cabs are Here"

"The Ballad of Sam & Ron" comes to a close.

SAMMI - My bifocals. I can't believe you shattered my bifocals.

RONNIE - That's right. I destroyed those, and your reading light.

SAMMI -  I'll never be able to finish Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies without my bifocals and reading light. **burps loudly** BRAAAAAAAP.

RONNIE  - Not only did I intend to destroy your property, but I also planned to end your quest for knowledge. **rips Sammi's copy of Foucault's Discipline and Punish in half.**

SAMMI - Noooooo! Now I'll never know the secret of the Panopticon!!!!

THE SITUATION - Did somebody say "Panopticon"?  **sees torn-up book **. What!? Who would do such a thing?

RONNIE - I did it. And I ought to shred your Wagner poster, too. Not only because you broke "bro code", but also because he's kind of an anti-Semite. C'mon, dude.

SAMMI - I regret to inform you all that I'm leaving in the morn. Back to Hazlet, and back to the people who respect my mind. And my hair. 

RONNIE - You don't deserve anybody's respect. You shook your bottom to and fro in the vicinity of another Guido's groin. 

SAMMI - It was a feeble attempt to arouse your jealousies. And I suppose it worked. 

RONNIE - It did indeed. And please cover up, harlot. Your black undergarments are shamelessly showing through that "In Living Color" Fly Girl dress. 

SAMMI - I'll have you know that this is an original from Forever 21.  

JWOWW - **enters in dominatrix costume ordered from Oriental Trading Co** You peacin' out, Sam?

SAMMI - Yes.

JWOWW - Cool. Rodger and I can fuck in your room. **exits** 

SNOOKI - Who's Fowcult, and why is his book all torn up?

THE SITUATION -  It's pronounced "fooco."

SNOOKI  - Oh, that guy. We never got around to him in vet tech school.  But I'm real curious now, like how interest in Alice Walker's The Color Purple soared after people tried to ban it and shit.

PAULY D - I ran up here the moment I heard The Color Purple. Sammi's plight is very similar to Celie's, wouldn't you say?

VINNY - Did Mr. Johnson toss Celie's Ikea bed out on the porch?

PAULY D - I can't remember in such detail. But I expect he would, if his previous behavior is any indication.

VINNY - Sammi, do it. Run off with your proverbial Shug Avery. Lesbian sex optional.

PAULY D  - Scratch that - Lesbian sex mandatory! **he and Vinny high-five**

SAMMI - Thank you all for your unwavering support.

SNOOKI  - Except for that time I called you a fucking bitch and said you don't have any friends.

SAMMI  - Right. Except for that.

DEENA - Sammi, you look sad. Want me to suck your butt?

THE SITUATION - Sweet Deena. So provincial.

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