Monday, February 21, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 9 - Hometown Dates

Mr. Ashley H. will cut a bitch if he fucks with his daughter's dental dreams.

In Seattle...

CHANTAL'S DAD - Hi, Brad. In case you couldn't tell from my massive house and hot wife, I'm rich. Here's a statue that suggests I'm a self-made man. You see, here in the United States, it's difficult for a white man to make something of himself.

BRAD WOMACK - Tell me about it.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Ok. Back in 1987, an eccentric Toyota baron took a chance on a mason's son with a crewcut. And that mason's son with a crewcut... was me.

CHANTAL'S MOM - **enters the room naked** Hi, I'm Chantal's mom. But just for fun, pretend I'm not.


CHANTAL O. - Really, mom? Again?

BRAD WOMACK  - She does this often?

CHANTAL O. - Yesterday I caught her letting the Peapod driver motorboat her boobs.

CHANTAL'S MOM - Not true! It was the recycling guy.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Women, always arguing. Well, Brad, from one rich white guy with a bad relationship with his dad to another rich white guy with a bad relationship with his dad, you have my blessing.


CHANTAL'S DAD - That's not what I meant.


In Madawaska, Maine...

ASHLEY H.' S DAD - Got a joke for you - What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque. Get it?

BRAD WOMACK - Haha! That's a good one. I love this family.

ASHLEY H'S DAD - But let's get serious for a second.

BRAD WOMACK - Of course.

ASHLEY H'S DAD - If you derail Ashley's plans to be a dentist, I will fucking kill you.

BRAD WOMACK - Excuse me?

ASHLEY H'S DAD - That's right. I didn't spend twenty years in a paper mill so my daugther could pump out weird Texas babies. Capice?

BRAD WOMACK - I thought you people spoke French up here.

ASHLEY H'S DAD - Don't get cute. I will fucking kill you.

In Charlotte...

EMILY - Ricki, say hello to Mr. Brad.

LITTLE RICKI - Sup, homey.

BRAD WOMACK - Um, hi. Look at what I brought you!

LITTLE RICKI - A butterfly drawn on a piece of paper? Shiiiiiiiit.

BRAD WOMACK - It's actually a kite.

EMILY - Little Ricki's a big fan of hip hop music.

BRAD WOMACK - I see. Interesting.

LITTLE RICKI - Like Weezy said, you 'bout to get kicked out the condo. Like Pam.

BRAD WOMACK - Does that mean I can't play boardgames with you guys back at the house?

LITTLE RICKI - What the fuck you think it mean, foo?

EMILY - This is going well, right? How about a kiss?

BRAD WOMACK - I'm afraid if we kiss in front on your daughter, she'll bust out a glock on me.

EMILY - What?! She's a five year-old.

LITTLE RICKI - No, he's right. **shows a glimpse of what she's packing** Run, mothafucka.

BRAD WOMACK - I'll call you. **runs like hell**

In Chico...

SHAWNTEL N. - Why don't you lay down on this metal bed and I'll pretend to embalm your lifeless corpse?

BRAD WOMACK - Nothing sounds sexier.

SHAWNTEL N. - I know, right? You have no idea the freaky stuff me and my cousin used to do down here.

BRAD WOMACK - Your cousin?

SHAWNTEL N. - Shit. I, uh, meant my boyfriend. Yeah, boyfriend.

BRAD WOMACK - So you guys used to do things with these... tools of death?

SHAWNTEL N. - Shhhh... No talking.

BRAD WOMACK  - Ookk...

SHAWNTEL N.  - No moving, either. And while you're at it, no breathing.

BRAD WOMACK - **lays still, almost like a dead body**

SHAWNTEL N.  - Oh yeah. This is what I like, baby.

BRAD WOMACK - Wait a second... Are you getting turned on by pretending I'm dead?

SHAWNTEL N. - Why the hell else would you go into this business?

BRAD WOMACK - Maybe because you love comforting people in their time of need?

SHAWNTEL N. - Haha. Right. And Chris Harrison only wants to help you "find love."

SHAWNTEL N.'S DAD - **from upstairs** Sweetie? Your high school gym teacher's son just croaked. He's all yours.

SHAWNTEL N. - Yesss... All mine.

BRAD WOMACK - I'll call you. **runs like hell**

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