Monday, February 28, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 9

On Chantal's date...

BRAD WOMACK - Wanna fuck on a piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife?

CHANTAL O. - Man. I should've been around for Mesnick's season. At least his fantasy dates included walls.

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison would be very upset to hear you say that. He planned this.

CHANTAL - Really? I didn't realize he actually did stuff.

BRAD WOMACK - He doesn't. We just put his name on the card to make him feel included.

CHANTAL - Wow, just when I thought nothing could make me less horny than howling animals, we talk about Chris Harrison.

**there is the sound of Chris sobbing in the distance**

BRAD WOMACK - He heard that.

CHANTAL - I gotta tell ya, the distant sobbing has strangely energized my libido.

BRAD WOMACK - Piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife, here we come!

On Emily's date...

BRAD - Wanna fuck in a boring white room that serves as a metaphor for our relationship?

EMILY - Gee, I dunno. I want to set a good example for my daughter.

BRAD - You don't want her to be a loser who never gets laid, do you?

EMILY - Good point. Let me take out my dentures first.

On Ashley's date...

ASHLEY - Are you going to make me move to that place with bats and hipsters?

BRAD - You mean Austin? Yes.

ASHLEY - Then I'd rather spend tonight cleaning a lion's molars.

BRAD - So you're saying you won't drop everything in your life for me, while I make absolutely no compromise?

ASHLEY - Right.


ASHLEY - Aren't you going to ask me if I wanna fuck?

BRAD - Sorry. Independence is a huge turn-off. **flies off in a helicopter**

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